On Knowing Yourself

I have a little “question a day” journal that my grandma got me. I’m excited to have it completed in five years, just to see how my answers change. But last night’s question was, “who is your idol?”

I wrote that Gretchen Rubin was my idol because she totally switched careers to writing from law, even though she was scared to do it. And that she isn’t afraid to challenge herself and try new things (starting a blog, doing a podcast, etc.). I appreciate that she likes to share her findings with the world to help people lead better, happier lives.

I’ve used her tools in helping my own clients (and students, when I taught). I feel like success is easier to achieve when we know ourselves better. Her Four Tendencies framework along with all of her “know yourself better” segments on her podcast are such great tools for self-knowledge and self-acceptance. How can you become better if you don’t thoroughly understand the ways in which you struggle, and why those things are a struggle?

I feel very strongly about self-improvement.

Let me add: I also feel strongly about self-love, which is why I feel strongly about self-improvement. As Gretchen says, “Accept yourself, and expect more from yourself.” We weren’t given our challenges to just lie down and be subject to them (i.e. the “this is who I am; take it or leave it” mindset). We were given challenges to overcome them and become better.

To give a few examples of how I’ve used self-knowledge to my advantage…

-I accept that I can be a bit of a controlling person. But I expect myself to learn to let go of control to the extent that it elevates my stress. And I’ve done really well with this in the past decade or so.

-I accept that I have perfectionistic tendencies. But I expect myself to take a deep breath, and let “good enough” be enough. I’ve sought to understand the dangers of perfectionism (via Brene Brown) in order to counter it. I’ve also gotten really good at this over the last several years.

-I accept that I can be regimented and inflexible. But I expect myself to let go of my routine on occasion, move things around, and understand that things work out in the way they’re supposed to. I still struggle with this and try to be aware of times when I am being too rigid.

-I accept that I am a suspicious and guarded person with new people. So I expect myself to smile and be as warm as I can. I work on my vulnerability by reading Brene Brown books and trying not to withhold when I can see that other people are being vulnerable.

-I accept that I am a generally high stress, anxious person. I expect myself to recognize my own feelings, take deep breaths, and regain perspective.

These qualities I have, I strongly believe I was born with. Some of them changed or were amplified with life experiences. But generally, those are qualities I have had since childhood. Ask my mother.

Here’s a list of questions Gretchen has to help you get to know yourself better. https://gretchenrubin.com/2012/06/want-to-know-yourself-better-ask-yourself-these-questions/

Some of my favorites are:

•         Are you a morning person or a night person?
•         Do you embrace rules or flout rules?
•         If something is forbidden, do you want it less or more?
•         Are you uncomfortable or comfortable in a disorderly environment?
•         Is it more satisfying to you to save time or save money?

 I feel that as we know whether we do better in the morning or at night, whether we have rebellious attitudes, whether we can function in chaos, or whether we value time or money, we’re able to leverage this knowledge to our advantage in creating new habits.

I had a boss who was extremely skeptical of personality tests. He believed people were biased towards themselves, and answered questions based on how they perceived themselves to be, likely in a more generous light. Being a very self-critical person, I objected to this notion. The point of a personality test is to understand yourself better and to be able to articulate certain things about yourself—to identify (and possibly obliterate) patterns in your life. If you’re being dishonest, you’re only wasting your own time and doing yourself a disservice.

For me, self-knowledge is a valuable tool. And I’m so thankful that Mrs. Rubin has provided so many different ways for us to examine ourselves, so that we can figure out the approach that will work best for us.

I strongly believe in the human ability to choose and change. I believe I can (and have) evolve(d). I believe as I have become familiar with my flaws and challenges, I’ve been able to make different choices to lead me to a happier, more well-balanced life. And that’s all anyone wants, right?