My 19 Hour Day

I got up at 6:30 and got ready for work.

I ran around at work trying to get my resume printed for my interview with Granite School District.

I had essay conferences with students (or briefly lectured the ones without drafts) for three 80-minute periods straight.

I took fifteen minutes to eat lunch--leftovers.

I got my portfolio ready.

I monitored the school party dance for 20 minutes or so while putting the portfolio together.

I left at 2:05 PM and went to BYU.

I got my letter of recommendation from my professor's office.

I went to my interview, filled out a form, got interviewed, and left.

I walked back to my professor's office to drop off the TWS.

I walked back to my car and arrived back at work at 3:35 PM.

I graded 3 periods of journals for an hour and twenty minutes, finishing at 5 PM.

I graded and entered late work.

I left work.

I got home, updated my class website with homework assignments, etc.

I got dressed for work at Blockbuster and left at 5:53 PM.

I picked up food and arrived at work at 6:02 PM.

I worked.

While at work, I created my Christmas presents list (for others) as well as a to-do list.

I also planned next week's schedule--we're spending the week on debates for themes in Night.

I left work at 11:35 PM.

I got home from work.

I fed my fish.

I typed out a more detailed schedule for next week (including journal prompts, outline of activities, etc.).

I created a worksheet that I'll need to give my students next week.

I submitted my Teacher Work Sample on Livetext.com.

I (immensely) edited my letter to parents regarding their students' incomplete grades. A total overhaul of my term 1 letter, really.

I checked Facebook.

I wrote this blog.

It's 1:30 AM.

Now I'm going to bed.

Facts

Fact: As difficult as I know it will be, I'm yearning for a family and for motherhood right now.

Fact: I miss all of my friends I used to celebrate Christmas with. We used to have a really fun time, and we were all really good at giving good gifts to each other.



Fact: I love giving gifts. I consider it a talent of mine. But I only really enjoy it when I know people well and have put a lot of thought into something they'd enjoy. I have almost no one left outside of my family who I feel I can do that for.

Fact: Someone stole my 3-hole puncher. Honestly? Why would you want to steal that?

Fact: I was very mad at and mean to my students today. I feel bad.

Fact: Almost no one came to Enrichment tonight.

Fact: Elf is a funny movie, no matter how few people are there (and no matter how many times you see it).

Fact: I'm finding joy in that it's December and there is no snow!

Fact: My heart is still broken. I don't know what it will take to unbreak it.

Fact: I want something or someone to take care of. I miss my rabbit a lot. :(


Fact: I figured out that the sideways picture thing is because iPhoto saves pictures elsewhere after editing (Modified folder, not Originals). My bad.

Fact: I enjoy funny people.

Fact: My mom bought me three new books the other night. I can't seem to put down Ender's Game.

Fact: I have more clearly come to realize the presence and effect of the Spirit in my life, and particularly appreciate it when I feel it's not with me.

Fact: My students' papers are better this time, on the whole.

Fact: I'm sad about not being home for Christmas or doing Christmas baking this year.

Fact: I still really miss my friends.

Fact: I need to go to bed.

I Feel Ugly

This fabulous thing called PMS really does make me wonder what I'm genuinely stressed about. It amplifies everything, and so I don't know if I'm actually really depressed, or if I'd normally shrug these things off more easily.

In any case, today has been rough. I'm still sick, and I'm tired of being sick.

I read through my students' evaluations of my teaching. And most of them think I need to be nicer and be fair to everyone. They also think I am boring and don't make learning interesting. That's not to discount the portion of students who really enjoy me, my teaching, and my class. But I suppose it's a talent of mine to focus on the negative.

I have a hard time connecting with people on my needed level. It's important for me to feel understood and heard and appreciated. And it's hard for me to feel that. So while I may have friends, I still spend most of my time feeling extremely alone and disconnected.

I really miss home. I miss California. I miss my perfect weather and sunshine which I got to enjoy for the last four days. I wish I could still be there. I cried on the way to the airport last night and didn't let my parents see. But there's even less for me there than there is here, I guess.

I've realized I'm not happy unless I'm taking care of someone else. There was a recent possibility of my being able to do that, but no more. Life feels lesser to me when I'm not able to care for or love somebody. It's harder to find happiness and fulfillment. Lyrics of the moment: All at Once by The Fray.

I've also realized I'm not happy unless I have someone who cares for me and every little thing I care about. I love what I do. I like getting up for work every day. But when I have no one to share my joy with, or who feels proud of my accomplishments, I feel like everything's just not as good.

I feel ugly, inside and out. I am sad that my students think I am unkind and impatient. I am sad to be alone. I am sad to be imperfect at everything and not knowing where to start. I am sad not to be in California. I am sad.

I guess I need to write some things I'm thankful for.

I'm thankful for repentance. What other way could I make myself feel better? And what other way could I try to fix these downfalls my students have noticed about me, which I have also noticed about me? My Lord and Savior can help me, if I work hard enough to change.

I'm thankful for thoughtful friends. Amazing Stephanie brought me some soup and Zinc tonight because I am still sick. I am currently still full, but I am most looking forward to eating that soup. It meant so much to me that she'd stop by when I'm feeling so alone.

I'm thankful for my calling. Hopefully the activity this Wednesday will be what somebody needs in their week.

I'm thankful for Christmas decorations. I put up lights today and a couple other decorations. My roommates bought new stockings and also made some decorations. It's fun and festive, and I'm hoping that focusing on our twinkling lights will lift my spirits a little bit.

I'm thankful for my fifth period who left me a "get well soon" card on my desk today when I went to get papers after school. It made me smile for a couple minutes and meant a lot to me.

I'm thankful for writing and prayer and scriptures--the things that make me feel better.

A Stache

A mustache should always be considered.

Thanks

My students had a sub on Monday because I was sick. I should have stayed home on Tuesday, too. Because on Monday night I was feeling better, and I went to work on Tuesday, then got sicker. I currently have no voice--it's a squeaky tragedy right now. Thanks, sickness.

I got back on Tuesday, though, and my students were suddenly very happy that I was there. They despised the sub, saying she was weird, random, arrogant, senseless, and annoying. Apparently the sub disregarded the comparison paragraph I left for my students, saying mine was "too confusing," and decided to discuss New Moon instead. She was really smart. She even told my students she was a certified English teacher. A certified English teacher who can't follow directions, wants to discuss New Moon, and who doesn't know how to write a comparison essay? My hopes are dwindling. But I did have many students tell me they were glad to have me back. They also were very concerned about my cough and wanted me to go home. It was cute and made me feel loved. Thanks, students.

I left my house for my flight a little later than I should have last night. I should have been totally fine. But then there was traffic, at six PM, for no reason at all. Thanks, Utah drivers. Then there was traffic from my grandma's to the airport because there was an accident. Thanks, Utah drivers. We sat in traffic for about 20 minutes. I missed my flight. Thanks, Utah drivers.

To the girl who overheard my conversation with the lady at the Delta desk and who asked me if she could pay for half of my flight--you are the cutest girl I've ever met. Who wants to be that kind to a stranger? What an angel. Thank you, girl-who-was-so-generous-and-amazing.

Fortunately, my mother is willing to pay for another ridiculously expensive ticket. So here I sit at the airport terminal. I left grandma's at 9 AM, arrived at the airport at 9:35 AM, wrote down where I parked in the economy lot, got checked in, and through security by 10:25. I'm flying on jetBlue into Long Beach. Maybe I can get some In-N-Out and not wait in a ridiculous line. Thanks, Mom.

I learned a trick from my friend Cubby who said to put a pillow between my knees when I sleep. My back is suddenly miraculously OK! Except today because I slept in a random bed at my grandma's, and my back and neck feel terrible. But otherwise, I've got this back pain covered. Thanks, Cubby!

In other news, life is strange and exciting and confusing. Good decisions, dumb decisions, who knows? I'm comfortable with mistakes. I'm not comfortable with wasting time anymore. We'll see. Thanks, confusing life!

Good News

I'm engaged!!!


















Just kidding.

Seriously though, what if I was?

Passed cleaning checks the first time.

I bought a terabyte sized external hard drive for one hundred rupees. I mean dollars.

For the first time in a month, I don't have to go into work on a Saturday.

My roommate bought me a pizza because she knows Fridays are crazy for me and wanted me to have dinner. How cute is she?!

My apartment is clean. AND decorated. Thanks roommates.

My kids loved Night.

I have plans on a Saturday night, for once!

My resume looks amazing!

I have an interview with a school district in Salt Lake on December 4.

I get to go home in four days

Orem has an In-N-Out.

I love my job. Almost every day, even!

We have an Enrichment activity coming up that will be so fun.

I love life.

Things I Love

First, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I love that.

"I took a train out to Montauk today. I'm not sure why. I'm not an impulsive person..."

I love that Clementine hates the word "nice" as much as I do. It's the most useless adjective I know.

It's my favorite anti-romance.

Second, my classroom. And how ugly my face looks in the initial clip of this video. Very cute. Duh.



Third, Imogen Heap, with friends. This forsaken Mac is difficult so I decided to use Facebook pics. Please click for full effect.










We're hot? uh...


Opening act...


Immi shoes behind the curtain.


Opening act #2. Hot stuff. That's all I know.


Oh, we's hot.


Why she gotta be so cool?


Cellist.


The end.