Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Crazy Life, Crazy Men, Crazy Everything!

Alright, so it has been an extremely interesting couple of weeks. I am now convinced that I could take my stories about men and compile them into a book. It would be so strangely amusing to the masses that they just wouldn't be able to put it down. They'd make faces of total disgust and break into total hysterics while reading my stories. But for now I just need a place to put it where it's short and commemorated somewhere.

Let me start back where my last blog left off.

I had an insane week after my grandfather died. (I've got my little tribute written for him as well, which I may or may not post sometime in the future.) On that Tuesday, the 7th, I got up and drove 20 minutes down to Lehi barely in time for the family-only services to end. The services were lovely and full of laughs. Then I drove 20 minutes down to Provo for the burial. Then I drove 20 minutes back up to Lehi for the luncheon. Then I drove 20 minutes back down to Provo for an interview I had for my June writing class (I got in, by the way). I hustled from my interview to class in Provo at the library. I was a wreck all throughout class and during the author presentation. Then I had to fake-pleasant my way through a sushi date with a guy I met online. I finally drove home and went to bed. Obviously this was a very stressful and emotional day for me, so that's where I'm going to leave it.

I worked on Wednesday and spent the rest of the day just sleeping and taking a much needed breather. I was supposed to go on Relief Society visits but was just a mess from everything.

On Friday the 10th, my birthday, I woke up feeling very groggy and stuffed up. I thought maybe I had allergies.  I went to the gym with hopes of conquering said allergies. I ran a couple of decently paced miles. I still had the sniffles. After getting all hot and whatnot for my birthday dinner, I made my way down there much later than I had anticipated. Also, I guess Texas Roadhouse does reservations. I thought they only had call ahead (and not for parties of more than 9). So we went to TGI Friday's instead, where we were seated very quickly. All of those who made an appearance at my shindig were: Audrey and her husband Matt, Raytch, Cody, Brianne and Nephi (and twins), Sydnie, Zoe (and baby), Tommie, Kara and her roommate Audrey, and Cigi, Jasmine, and their three kids all the way from Payson. Dinner was decent (and cheap, since I had a reward). I was so happy to have everyone there even though it was sort of an ordeal. It really does make me feel special to have people drive from so far just to have dinner for my birthday.

Some friends came with presents, darn them!

Sydnie got me a book that I already had which I exchanged for a much scarier one (The Miracle of Forgiveness).
Brianne and Nephi got me two red velvet bundlets from Nothing Bundt Cakes. So delicious.
Audrey got me some lotion and some earrings.

Only a couple of people were willing to stay to go bowling afterward, but I had struggled to breathe all throughout dinner and decided to go home and go to sleep. I was pretty bummed and felt like a really big party pooper.

On Saturday, I kept busy with my usual stuff like the gym, homework, and cleaning. My aunts Lisa and Amy, grandma, and mom came up to Murray to see my apartment and go to Buca di Beppo for my birthday. We ate way too much bread and pasta. But it was so yummy.

On Sunday, we had my birthday celebration. My mom made me chicken and dumplings. We had yummy carrot cake. I got some great presents.

Aunt Jess got me a cute necklace that I've worn several times already.
Aunt Lisa got me a Yankee candle (pumpkin scented) and these little wiggle thingies. I don't know what they're called.
Grandma got me a huge gift bag full of candy and a card with cash.
My mom got me a card, cash, and a HerStyler 3P curling iron. I've used it twice. It's cool.

I feel like there was more, but I'm blanking at the moment. I came home with lots of stuff.

I also received cards from my grandpa Mike, Carmen, and my friend Brittany.

That week was pretty standard except that I was still feeling kind of gross. I went to the gym on Monday but as I recall, didn't push it too hard.

On Tuesday I had work, then class, then a cupcake "date" with a guy I met online. He was a good conversationalist. The cupcake was good. I was glad neither of us made a big deal that it was Valentine's Day. Some of my students gave me some candies. Cute, huh? I missed parent-teacher conferences that night because if I miss class again, my grade will drop. I hear hardly anyone came anyway. I wonder why! (No gym on this day--got home too late and was exhausted.)

On Wednesday I worked all day. The PTA provided a taco bar for us, and then we had parent-teacher conferences from 4:30 to 7:30. They went well. There weren't any angry or belligerent parents, and I thought of good things to say about every kid. I got some good feedback about my class, too, which is always nice. I don't shoot for my students to like me, but it's nice when they do. Naturally, I didn't go to the gym on this day. Too tired.

Thursday the 16th is where my life started to get totally weird.

I was still exhausted and sick, so I didn't go to the gym. But I did scramble around in order to hang out with a new friend of mine. He happens to have a rather controlling girlfriend, and a very destructive relationship. I won't give any details because, well, that's rude. But we have formed our friendship out of this circumstance, what with my being kind of a support and place to vent. So we hung out for like six hours that day. We talked about everything! I love good conversations. We also went in the hot tub at Stillwater. Naturally it was totally platonic, being that he is still committed elsewhere. It was a weird day but a nice change of pace. Also, he confirmed my suspicions regarding the hook-up of a certain guy I dated and a certain girl I befriended. Not that I didn't already know, but man... People are just shady.

That night, however, things got even crazier. I don't even want to go into too much detail here. The long and short of it is that somebody who is engaged has a highly physical infatuation with thing for me. If this weren't his only interest, and if he weren't engaged, I'd be willing to see where it goes. But he's only interested in carnal things, and he is engaged, and I'm not into either of those (plus it's a bad sign of his ideas on commitment). I'll say there was much pushing about inappropriate matters. Inappropriate both morally and in that he is committed. I did my darnedest to maintain my integrity and keep things appropriate, but I don't really have any control over a male's thoughts about me. It sucks feeling bad for being that kind of muse or thought or fantasy for somebody who should be thinking about somebody else. There's nothing I can do about it though. So anyway. That has been a little stressful. Not sure what I did to bring this kind of attention on, but if I could make it stop, I would.

On Friday, I slept very, very late since it was the start of a 4 day weekend. I went to the gym and tried to start week 4 of boot camp since I had been fighting off that sinus thing, plus an insanely busy schedule, for the past week. It was a total disaster. I almost passed out about four times. I'm not exaggerating. I had to keep stopping to catch my breath and let my heart rate come down. I was super discouraged and gave up. I also saw that I lost 4 lbs probably just from emotional distress.

I rented The Art of Getting By, and had a really enjoyable time on my couch watching it. An interesting role for Freddie Highmore. I liked it. Then I played with my HerStyler 3P curler. And I was sitting at home doing nothing when a guy from my ward sent me a message. Remember I said things were getting crazy?

That's one guy on Tuesday for a cupcake.
Then another guy on Thursday (just friends, but still).
Then another one trying to have inappropriate relations with me that same night.
Now a new one.

But this was totally harmless. I loved the randomness of it. We went to Sub Zero and got ice cream and had a pretty decent chat. I really do love spur of the moment things like that. I love the unexpectedness of life. I was super exhausted and went to bed soon after that.

I got woken up by a text on Saturday morning by yet another guy, a friend of mine, actually. He asked what I was doing, wondered if I could help him with a project, and he'd repay me by buying me breakfast. He told me he wanted to take pictures of me at this particular spot, for an art project he had in mind. I agreed.  This was an ordeal and a half. We got waffles at this little Belgian shack in downtown. Then we drove to Memory Grove where he took pictures of me. I'm not used to being the subject of a photography project, so I felt kind of awkward. But here's one picture that he sent me.


He learned that I had never been to Ensign Peak. Mind you, it's winter. We've had some snow and rain recently. And I was in flats.

Much to my chagrin, we hiked Ensign Peak. My favorite, most comfortable flats, were caked in mud. They got stuck repeatedly. I had many near-falling episodes. It was an adventure. There's a first (and last) time for everything, right? My shoes didn't survive. I tried cleaning them and drying them. They are both clean and dry, but they're all weird now, and they totally reek. Like, unbearably. I'm pretty bummed about it and now have to go find another pair of cheap, comfy black flats that I can wear to work. This is a problem when you have feet as small as mine.

But hey, now I can say I've hiked Ensign Peak. Right?

After that, I went grocery shopping, where I got the retarded shopping cart, as usual. I also ran some errands (like exchanging my book from Sydnie). I took a nap and then stayed up way too late. I got really hungry at a horribly late hour and got myself some Carl's Jr. I probably shouldn't have, but I did. I wanted a vanilla shake, and the drive-thru guy told me, "Sorry, we're cleaning the machine. We don't have shakes." When I pulled up to the window, he goes, "Isn't it a little cold for a shake anyway?" Looking around at the snow coming down, then back at him with a look of incredulity, I said, "Never."

Sunday was good. Raytch left early, but I had my new Sub-Zero friend to sit with. I went to dinner at Grandma's, did laundry, and all was well.

But I did have some drama. Remember my new friend with a destructive relationship? His girlfriend kind of went nuts on me. She messaged me from his account, then from her account, and stole his phone and texted me, pretending to be him. Seriously? How is it that I attract so much drama?

Monday, I slept in again. I went to the gym, which was super crowded due to president's day. But I was extremely excited that I re-tried my workout from Friday and completed it successfully without any issues. I got home and while I was getting ready, Raytch came over to discuss some things that she has experienced recently. 'Twas a good talk. Then I made my way over to the Taylorsville plasma donation center. I thought it'd be a good day to make some extra money. You guys. I got there at 2:30 and didn't leave until 7:25.

Srsly?

I waited for half an hour before they called me up to "set up an appointment" since I was a new donor. My appointment was at 3, so that was fine. He asked me if I had 3 or 4 hours to give them--meaning I should be done by 6:30 at the latest, right? I filled out some paperwork. I was instructed to eat a large meal while he put together my file. He kept emphasizing that I should eat more than I normally would, "for safety reasons." So I went to Ream's, ate a whole sub, a bag of Garden Salsa Sun Chips, and drank a Dr. Pepper. I learned later that the caffeine is not good for donating plasma, but I was still OK. So it was a horribly long wait. I had to have my picture taken, sign my name lots of times, and have a physical. They took the sample from my finger and did all kinds of other check-up things to make sure I was an appropriate donor. Good news! I had no lipemic (fatty) plasma. My hematocrit levels were good, blood pressure was good, everything good. But I still had another hour to go before I'd donate. A Capri Sun, granola bar, and three cheese cracker sandwiches later, I was taken back at about 6:30. This was an ordeal, like always. I have one usable vein in my left arm, and it rolls. I told them that ahead of time. Of course, it rolled. The needle for plasma donation is huge because it draws blood and then puts it back in. So it was super sore. Also, my blood stopped coming out at some point. So they had to wiggle it around some more to get it flowing again. Nice. I now have a very lovely bruise at the site. I finished around 7:20 and had to sit until 7:25. I received my payment of $40 and was out the door..

They don't do appointments. They only take walk-ins. They said now that I was in the system and my chart was done and everything, it should just be one to two hours tops when I come to donate in the future. I'll get $60 next time. I kind of figure if I go a few more times (donations 3-5 are $50 each), I can afford tires for my car. Sad how I have to think of ways to afford these kinds of things.

Not only that, but they told me to go home and eat a protein-rich, legitimate meal. I did, even though I was totally full still. Then my new Sub Zero friend came over. We watched Despicable Me. After he left, I had to do some lesson plans. I didn't get in bed till after midnight.

Naturally, I woke up very tired yesterday. I had work, then class, then I had a dinner date with another dude who I went out with a while back. It was at Pizzeria 712 in Orem. Delicious. I came home, and went to bed too late again (12:30).

That brings me to today, which, thank heaven, has been totally normal. Work, gym, and reading for my class.

So I believe my recent life in summary goes like this:

-Befriend guy with crazy girlfriend
-Get sucked into their crazy drama
-Get begged by an engaged man to participate in tasteless activities
-Participate in a photo shoot
-Destroy favorite pair of flats
-Hang out with a new guy
-Get paid $40 for 5 hours of time and a huge bruise

I think I could've written several separate blogs about each of these things. But for my own sake, I just needed it out of my brain ASAP.

What is my life right now? Geez. I'm out.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Hope You Know, I've Had a Hard Time

Sunday
- Church -- lots of good talks, a decent Sunday school lesson, and an awesome combined Relief Society/Elders Quorum lesson from a woman who endured the blood diamond massacre in Sierra Leone, Africa. Humbling and amazing
- Laundry
- Skipped dinner at grandma's due to only a quarter tank of gas to last me to Tuesday
- Made oatmeal cookies

Monday
- Took a personal day from work
- Slept in
- Went to the gym
- Went to downtown Salt Lake for Sundance's Best of Fest documentary Chasing Ice. (I'd recommend you Google it, James Balog, and the Extreme Ice Survey.) Very compelling and well done.

Tuesday
- Scrambled like crazy to get caught up at work, doing lesson plans, organizing, etc.
- Class from 4:30-7:30 in Orem, doing lesson plans the entire time
- Drove home to Murray, ignoring my prompting to stop and see my grandparents
- Rear ended the car in front of me getting off at my exit (nothing major, don't worry)
- Spent 30 minutes dealing with the claim process
- Went to the gym (got a 9:55 mile, by the way)
- Finished my application to do the Central Utah Writing Project class in the summer. This required a 600 word essay. But I won't have to take the last fall class for my endorsement. This means I won't have to pay $90. This means I will be in class all day every day for three weeks right after school gets out when I'm already exhausted. It will also occur while I need to be moving out of my apartment. It also means that I will get paid $250. Furthermore, it means being done with my reading endorsement in June, which in turn means my salary for the coming year will increase in September instead of January. Lots of pros and cons to the situation.

Wednesday
- Worked like crazy all day again, doing lesson plans, trying to keep my head above water
- Went to the gym till 5:30
- Showered, dressed, and inhaled some food
- Worked on visiting teaching with Kara from 6:30 to 8:30
- Talked with Kara until 8:55

Thursday
- Received texts from my mom in the morning that Puffy (my grandpa who has been fighting lung cancer for years) wasn't doing well
- Found out that my prescription cost doubled from $20 to $40 even though my insurance went up (so my check went down)
- Tried to explain to my students that I was awaiting some news, not texting a boyfriend
- Received a text around 11:30 AM that he was gone
- Kept myself extremely busy at work with my kids and grading and lesson plans
- Worked until 3:40
- Called my mom
- Finally had a very brief meltdown in my desk chair at work
- Got home at 4:30 or so and cried some more while writing a piece about Puffy
- Changed into pajamas and curled up on my couch
- Talked with Rachel about everything for a while
- Read some of my book for my class (Guinea Pig Scientists)
- Went and got some comfort food from Little Caesar's. Don't judge me.
- Was in bed by 10:30

Friday
- Woke up with puffy eyes
- Didn't do my makeup
- Drove to work, fighting back the emotions that were pushing to surface
- Taught my 7th graders about plot, taught my 8th graders some more about persuasive writing
- Got a sweet sympathy card and gift card from my friend Tommie
- Got lots of grading done (just some very brief stuff left to do on Monday), updated the absent packet, updated my class website, planned for the next class periods
- Got a call from my dad updating me on the situation with my brother Jason
- Pushed those emotions and that weight as far down as it could go
- Went to the gym (and kicked ass)
- Got home and wrote this blog

I need to:
- Finish my Guinea Pig Scientists book and do my write-up by Tuesday
- Do my laundry

Oh also, did I mention that somehow I need to find time to
- Get my tires rotated

and find the money to
- Change out my car's transmission fluid (this has been weighing on me for months)
- Replace my brakes
- Register for my Praxis tests (for my level 2 licensure, and for my reading endorsement)

All of this including the next week which is like...

Monday the 6th
- Teach
- Prepare for a substitute (this takes longer than you'd think)
- Possibly attend the viewing (but not look. I don't do viewings)

Tuesday the 7th
- Work out to drown my stress and sadness
- Funeral in Lehi
- Interview for CUWP in Provo at 4:30
- Leave the interview to arrive late to class in Provo
- Possibly go out to eat with someone

Wednesday the 8th
- Work
- Car appraisal for the small bump on Tuesday night
- Work out
- Relief Society visits from 7 to 9

Thursday the 9th
- Work
- Work out

Friday 10th
- Work
- Work out
- Birthday dinner and bowling

I try to be happy with my life and count my blessings and usually am very satisfied. But I guess there are periods of time where your life and the lives of those you love are just really trying. And I feel like if I let myself take a break and let everything sink in, let my guard down even a little, then I will just drown in all of the pain. And drown in my tears. And I just don't have time to do that. There's too much to do.

Too much to get done.

I look at everyone around me and wonder how much more they can take. And I wonder how much more I can take while I watch the people I love hurting and suffering. And I wonder where my faith has gone in this past year, and why I can't find it in me to pray like I need to pray. And I feel guilty that I can't use my faith to buoy up the people around me who need spiritual strength from me.

And on top of the heartache of everything else I've been heartbroken over the same stupid guy thing for like 7 months now.

And maybe choosing not to address any of these things emotionally is what's causing me to grow a plethora of white hair at age 25.

But you know, I can't drown. I'll just push it all away and pretend to be Superwoman.

I just can't quit. No time to cry. Too much to do.