Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I Love You to Love Me...

Five things you didn't know about Janae

1. She once recorded a video with her friend Allyn to Fall Out Boy's "Dance, Dance," wherein she and her friend danced in crazy-like manners.

2. She got caught eating boogers by her mother when she was probably 3 or 4. Yep, she was one of those.

3. She gave herself an 8:30 bedtime in sixth grade.

4. She remembers every word you say and every face you make. She's even more likely to remember those things if they were negative.

5. She used to be so obsessed with the color blue that she spent $20 on a blue wig from Claire's because her mother wouldn't let her dye her hair blue.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Face It, You Need Us

I believe I've made it pretty clear that my boyfriend and I are pretty opposite in nearly every way we can be. He is an ESFP and I am an ISFJ. These are really general things and neither of us fit these descriptions to a tee. Our hope in being attracted to our opposite is that we will "become a more well-rounded, functioning unit." There's more stuff about it here.

I am a very structured and organized person. This is the way I thrive and enjoy my time, and I find myself happiest when I can check a lot of things off of a to-do list. Tanner is not so much this way. He will play and play and, as his personality profile says, "trust in his ability to improvise in any situation presented to him." In other words, he knows he can get it done a minute before it is due. He has helped me to learn to play, to learn that there is more time to get things done than I think. I have helped him to see the value of organization and completing reading assignments to get the most out of learning. (I think he may have rubbed off more on me than I on him ;).)

I was remembering last night that my friend Robin always had a song to sing to me at parties and late night sleepovers: "Every party needs a pooper, that's why we invited you. Party pooper!" I've learned to accept this about myself. It so happens that I get very irritable and unhappy when I don't sleep, so yeah, I go to bed early. It so happens that I can say no to a fun activity when I have something that I need to get done. I've been called "a grandma," as well as "boring." Party pooper, grandma, and boring. OK. I can deal with that. Because this is the way I am. I feel I know how to find a good balance of work and play, and I'll be a grandma when I need to be.

Then I wondered... Why is it that people who play harder than they work never (or rarely) get criticized? Is it because there are more of these types of people? People enjoy individuals who play and play a LOT. What concern is it of anyone's if they don't complete their responsibilities in time? I'm guessing that these are the reasons our procrastinating, fun friends rarely get criticized as much as we "boring" people.

Three quarters of our apartment (Raytch, Cara, and myself) are "the boring type." We get our stuff done and have the will power to turn down fun things if we have more pressing issues.

I've decided that both ends of this spectrum are needed. If everyone were like my Tanner, I'm pretty sure everything would be more chaotic than anyone would care to experience, and lots of things would not get done. If everyone were like my roommates and myself, the world would probably be really boring and still.

I think there's value to be found in both personality types. And I'm calling everyone out who has made fun of someone like ME and never criticizes someone for playing too hard. It's not fair. I'm done being called a party pooper and "boring." You just take us for granted!

:)

For those of you who'd like to find out your Myers-Briggs results, you can take the test here. Many thanks to Tracy for having me take the test.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

School Days

Tanner's sister BriAnn asked me about school the other night. I realized I had been so caught up in the dramatic, emotional part of my life that I hadn't let anyone know how the more fundamental parts are faring.

While I have you at the beginning of this post, I'm going to ask you to click on the right side to follow my blog. I hear about people who have read my blog who I never even would have fathomed. It really doesn't bother me, and it certainly doesn't freak me out. I wouldn't put my life on public display in my blog if it bothered me, would I? I'm glad people care so much! Or maybe you all just think I'm a fabulous writer. ;) Either way, I want to know who is following, whether I know you or not! So click it, blog stalkers!! (just teasing).

Oh school... How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. School stirs up so many thoughts and feelings within me that I am not sure how best to encapsulate my thoughts. First of all, school has always been my life. As you know from my fear post, I like doing things that I know I am good at. I love doing things wherein I know I can succeed. School is my strong point. It is my life.

So the school year rolls around, and I have so enjoyed my spare time just working out and reading whatever I've wanted and watching movies, that I get so upset at my lack of spare time. I'm so mad at how long my reading takes. I hate how stressed I can get. And then I realize... This is life. This is me being busy. And I really, really enjoy it, if I'm being totally honest! What will life be like after I finish student teaching next fall? No school assignments (unless I do what I've assigned my students to do, which in all likelihood will happen). No required readings. No "projects." If you think about it, I WILL be doing all of those things for the rest of my life, it's just that I'm the woman in charge. And I WANT to do it. I want to assign projects, do examples, plan lessons, grade papers. So all the assignments I'll have forever I will actually enjoy.

Anyway, I figure that since my life will be so immensely different without school, I know I will miss it! I am trying really hard to enjoy myself in this last year as well as learn a lot. Let's hope I can do it.

So let's cover this semester.

I have three classes on Monday and Wednesday, two on Tuesday and Thursday, and one on Friday.

On Monday/Wednesday/Friday, I have ELang 322 with Sister Harrison. This is a Modern American Usage class--a class that focuses both on the rules of grammar as well as the actual usage of language. It is slightly demanding, but I am taking it for my own benefit as well as my future students. It is not required for me; I just think it will be useful. My professor is great. She is so approachable and fun and nice, and she is so enthusiastic about what she teaches. She is great. I love this class.

I have religion also--LDS Marriage and Family. I was surprised to find my religion professor is very funny. The other day he said, "When I first met my wife, I knew she deserved the best, so I asked her to marry me." I liked that. haha. I am so excited for the readings in this class. Knowing what the prophets and leaders of the church have said about having a successful eternal marriage will be so helpful. There are reading topics like resolving conflict, the ability to change, intimacy in marriage, and other things. I will be doing some of the readings with Tanner. Anyway, I am looking forward to it.

I have Mexican-American Literature twice a week as well, with my professor who I had in the spring--Quackenbush. He is so laid back (perhaps to a fault), but really cool. I am not too afraid of this class (except for the writing assignments) because most of the reading is in English. It is Chicano literature--stuff like House on Mango Street and Bless Me, Ultima. The workload is considerable, but like I said, it's nothing I can't handle given the extensive Spanish reading I have done in the past.

On Tuesdays I first have American Literature (late 19th, early 20th century) with Professor Christianson, whom I have also had before (for my American Lit survey class). I signed up for a presentation on the first book which is actually this Thursday. I figured I should just get it over with. Plus, it's Mark Twain, and he's pretty much my hero. So the reading load is do-able. I gained a lot of confidence in my reading capacity this spring/summer, in case you didn't notice. Having had this professor before makes me a little less concerned about how he does things, since I already know. He is very challenging and is also into discussion and critical thinking. He is great, and I trust I will learn much from him.

I have Teaching Composition with Dr. Debbie Dean on Tuesdays and Thursdays. She is well quoted in the English Teaching world. She is truly amazing. She is so approachable and kind. She is so normal, and you can tell she loves teaching and really wants the students to benefit. So I am learning a lot, and everything she has had us do so far has been great. I am loving this class.

So overall, while my workload may sometimes seem stressful, I know it is doable. I am trying to enjoy the content and appreciate the professors to the best of my ability. My disadvantage is that I work on Tuesday nights (which I asked if I could do Thursdays instead), when that would normally be the day I could do Wednesday's and Thursday's homework. I get home around 5:40 on Monday and Wednesday, and work till 11 on Tuesdays. Do you see the complications, getting home late and not having Tuesday for homework? Oh well, I'll do my best not to freak out.

On the Janner (Janae+Tanner) front, things are going well. I am still feeling good with everything. I'm not saying it's easy. It's really hard for me to figure out how to manage myself, my feelings, my expectations, and my communication. It's too bad we can't read one another's minds from time to time. I have gotten discouraged and it has been hard, but I haven't lost steam or faith. And I love Tanner so much and really am enjoying having him and his family back! Really, I feel so lucky.

Alright, so I think that about catches everyone up. Thank you all for your prayers in my (and Tanner's) behalf. I've so felt them. Love you. And don't forget to FOLLOW MY BLOG! :)

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Long story, short

Tanner and I spoke last night for a long time. His dad came in at some point and I explained more or less the things I talked about in my last post. He seemed very supportive of my goals and showed confidence in opposite people's ability to work things out. He said that it seemed like I had thought a lot about it and that I was being very rational. He told me I need to have a real appreciation for the opposite approach, a respect for it, and told me that Tanner cannot be changed through criticism. He said a lot of good and valuable things and made a lot of sense.

So Tanner has agreed to let me try to change the things I want to change. We are officially dating again and will let things play out however they are going to play out. On one hand we're picking up where we left off, and on the other we're not rushing anything. We have to see if this really is possible and are aware of the possibility that things may not work out. The problems that were there before are not just going to go away, but they can be managed better. And same as Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and yesterday, I have every confidence that things WILL work out. We can do this. I want to!

I am so excited to have this chance. I am so excited to see where this goes and how happy we really can be. And I'm so lucky to have Tanner! Plus, he's just so cute.

Monday, September 8, 2008

My Newly Found Peace

I want to take another look at the blog I wrote last Wednesday, which as you know was to get things off my chest—to alleviate some pressure and pain.

The downside of sharing these things in a blog is that people take every word you say to be valid and true and lasting. I’m saying this is a disadvantage because if I change my mind, everyone can look back and say, “But Janae, you said this, you felt that, you did this, remember?” Yes, yes I remember.

I remember I said that nothing, from dating to picking our bed set, felt right. I remember saying that we are too opposite to make things work. I remember saying I could not obtain peace from prayer about our marriage. I remember saying I felt like something was missing, that I felt angry and anxious. I remember saying our happy days were fewer than bad days. I remember our non-matching cores, our opposite passions and approaches to life. I remember saying that no matter how hard Tanner has tried, I have been impossible to please. I remember saying that when I am affected by Tanner’s way of doing things, I am unhappy.

I also remember that on Monday when Tanner and I had first talked, that I asked for time. I should have taken that impression seriously and taken the opportunity to step back and look at things. Tuesday we saw each other again, Wednesday again, and I was not taking the time I needed to think about everything. I remember on Wednesday after talking to his parents, that we hadn’t officially made any statement as to us ending our relationship—it was just “decided.”

And do you remember?

Do you remember when I said three times that I am having a constant inner battle? Or when I said, “I've felt so horrible for being the way that I am?” Do you remember me saying that I love everything about him? Do you remember me saying I cannot ask him to change any more? Do you remember when I said that a week later I was still struggling really badly? What about this: “I keep wondering if this happened to give me a chance to change immensely enough to appreciate and work with Tanner better”? Remember when I said that I had never had my faith so challenged, and never had I been so confused by and bitter at Heavenly Father, or struggled so badly with His will? Remember when I was feeling sorry for myself?

Remember on Thursday how I kept thinking we could work things out? Remember on Friday how I didn’t want to do anything or go anywhere? Or how on Saturday I was still crying on my bed with Rachel, telling her how back and forth I was about my decision? No, you don’t remember those things, because I didn’t tell you about them. EVERY day I have struggled with my decision, with trust in Heavenly Father. At no point have I had any desire to move forward in life without Tanner.

Remember how every time I’ve needed some space from Tanner, we’re always unable to carry it out because we always miss each other too much? Is it possible that the only way for me to realize and understand some extremely important things was to officially break things off and experience the hurt? Is it possible that I needed the time and space to clear my mind and hand it over to Heavenly Father after all?

On Saturday, I got down on my knees. I prayed for my heartache to stop. I asked for comfort. I asked for help to move on if that’s what I should do, or to be led some other way. I was washed over with a feeling of peace that everything would be OK between Tanner and me. For the first time in almost two weeks, I no longer felt confusion.

At stake conference that night there was a talk on hope—there were so many talks that could have applied to me because of the pain I had been feeling, but I didn’t feel their comfort because I no longer needed it. I had gained hope. I was thinking positively. I had images in my head of us happy and successful in our relationship. I suddenly was feeling excited for planning a wedding and picking a dress and living in that basement apartment, excitement that I had not felt before. I was excited at the thought that I was going to get married, and especially to Tanner. I thought all day about how my focus on everything before had been wrong. I thought about the Dr. Lund tapes that Tanner and I had listened to, about the mother who changes her entire way of loving and will not go to the place in her heart that made her critical and angry. If she can change so drastically by simply not accessing the negative parts of herself, then I certainly could. I thought of Sister Lund setting aside her frustrations and anger to talk about them in a “red hour” later on. If she can let things go and not be angry and talk about them later, then I certainly could.

On Sunday I was fasting and praying about the same thing. I had a continual feeling of peace and assurance and faith that everything would be all right. My head was clear and not a back and forth mess, not an internal battle like before. Elder Holland gave an amazing talk on difficult times. I was touched at his reminder that the Lord had been there all along while I was suffering; I just hadn’t called on him. When I finally did, all of these reassuring thoughts and images and resolutions came.

I remember though, that I told you my parents were unsupportive because my mom told me she had the feeling that everything would be OK between us—that it would work out, and I didn’t want to listen to her. I remember that all morning on Saturday I had dreams about Tanner and myself, happy and steady, and dreamt of myself asking him for another chance. I remember that on Monday in class, when I was still praying intently about all of this, my religion professor said that we could change parts of our behavior, that we could, like God, be slow to anger. I remember that sometimes the Lord teaches us what we have by taking it away. I remember that in order to see the change that needs to happen, we have to feel the deep hurt.

In response to that third paragraph: I think I had not fully forgiven Tanner for the rough start to our relationship. I think I need to learn the ways that the dynamic of the differences between Tanner and I’s approaches could really work in interesting ways in the future. I think that we had not given ourselves enough time to thoroughly pray and think out our future, and my lack of confirmation made me uneasy about everything. I think we don’t talk as much because we know so much about each other, and that the things we enjoy talking about are often different, and I’ve mistaken this as a “missing” component. I think I need to manage my feelings and be slow to anger. I think our bad days were only bad because I had not learned to just let things go. I think our non-matching cores are what I have always loved about us and that I just hadn’t yet learned to work with them. I think I need to learn to relax about the things that do not matter, and I will be easier to please and much happier.

I think I’ve re-read every negative thing I said and seen it all compile into one drastic effort and change that I need to make.

As another note, it would be silly to accuse me of changing my mind because I miss Tanner. It is true, I do miss Tanner. But I have made difficult decisions and dealt with heartache before, and I still have never gone back on a decision. I’ve always known my answer clearly, been confident in my decision, and dealt with the pain accordingly. I know the difference between going back to somebody for comfort because I miss them and a true change of decision through prayer. In this case, I am largely responsible for my happiness, and it took heartache to know that and for Heavenly Father to OK my real decision.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Was that a yes?

I'm feeling OK and have felt OK for approximately 4.5 hours now.

I hope these feelings are accurate. Time will tell.

See paragraph 21 of Wednesday's post.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Dear Dad,

I won't be angry at him anymore.

I'll change.

Please just let me have him back :(

Ugh

I keep thinking we could be happy together and work things out... That after this we'd really be able to be happy and just enjoy our time together. I keep seeing him getting back from Powell and seeing myself rejoin as part of the family for dinner on Sunday.

And then I remember all the times where I wasn't mad at him at all, and he thought something was wrong. I remember doing the dishes a couple Sundays ago, and him walking in and apologizing for not helping sooner because he was helping his dad. He was afraid I was mad at him. And I wasn't. But I was mad so often that he was in constant fear of upsetting me.

And that makes me feel like the worst girl in the world.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

It has to happen now...

You know, writing is everything to me. It helps me organize my thoughts. It helps me communicate much better than I could ever do verbally. It also provides balance in my life as I am able to experience catharsis through getting my thoughts and emotions out into the universe.

I've been putting off writing this because I knew I'd be a wreck while doing so. I am at work, and I actually DO have work to do, but I'm entirely unfocused while doing it. And I realized that this has to happen right now. Yes, right now. I have to write it while my emotions are fresh, and while I have the energy to do so. I can't MAKE myself do it, and now feels like the right time, so now it is.

A little over a week ago, last Monday, I woke up in a funk. It was after a Sunday night conversation about wedding plans. We talked about how difficult it was to pick a date that worked so that people could come. The possibility was brought up that maybe we should just get married in Utah and not my dream temple, San Diego. The whole conversation felt so wrong to me. It made me anxious and stressed. So I woke up on Monday feeling very upset about everything regarding my wedding. And I realized that I had been upset the entire time, not just that Sunday night.

I was upset about how our dating process went. We didn't start "dating" until 6 months after we had kissed for the first time. There was a lot of pain involved in the initial months of our relationship, at least for me. In March, we started talking about the possibility of getting married. This quickly moved to shopping for rings and thinking about August for our wedding. This didn't feel right to me at all. I didn't feel very excited about my ring. It was and IS beautiful, and I loved wearing it. But it was hard for me to feel excited by it. It was hard for me to feel excited about the way he proposed--and it was wonderful! It was hard for me to be excited to tell people that I was engaged--but it was such a big deal! It was hard for me to be excited over shopping for our bedroom set. "Why now? It's so soon. We're not even moving in yet. We could just have a starter bed." The bedroom set I chose was beautiful! And we got a great deal. But, it felt too soon and rushed. Choosing the actual sheet/comforter set didn't feel like my choice, and I wasn't excited about that either.

Not being able to pick our own wedding date removed a lot of excitement. Not going and looking for married student housing made me unenthusiastic.

How horrible for Tanner! I'm in tears right now thinking about how I have been over the last few months. How awful it must be to know this person that you love does not feel any excitement over anything that is happening when you are going to marry them! I feel terrible. I tried so, so hard to be excited and enthusiastic. But for some reason, nothing ever felt right to me. The timing, the way things happened, it just didn't feel right.

Day to day for months and months I'd wonder if we were even right for each other. It seemed we'd fight about some silly little thing every other day or so. It seems I was always angry with him for no reason at all and every reason all at the same time. He and my parents would tell me, "We are opposite and complement each other. That's a good thing!" And yet I felt that there was too much opposite for us to be able to work things out. I shared this with him on a few occasions.

And still I trudged on. Still, the thought of married life, of settling down, of caring for somebody, all made me really satisfied. That kind of consistent lifestyle suits me. I thought if we communicated things effectively and worked on the parts of our personalities that clash, maybe we could be happy. For months we worked and worked. I tried time and time again to set my doubts and hesitations aside. Tanner worked harder for me than I would have ever imagined anyone doing for me. He became even more amazing than he was to begin with. I prayed for patience, I prayed for enthusiasm and courage. I prayed for everything I struggle with personally to be strengthened and improved. I prayed to let him do things his way, and I prayed that I'd be able to just be OK with that and leave him alone. I got better. I prayed for peace about our marriage. And still the doubts were coming.

In the last couple months, conversations have felt forced and not free-flowing at all--like we had nothing to talk about. In recent weeks I have become unsatisfied in general with being with Tanner when we haven't had anything to do. To me, when you are happy doing nothing, it says a lot. Instead I've been anxious when we've had nothing to do. I've found myself just angry and unsettled, and I found us generally unstable. I have felt like the days of happiness and love have been few and far between. So wonderful and so worth it, but so infrequent.

Last Monday was a hard, long day. I cried and cried. I left work early because I was a wreck. Tanner came over, and we cried and cried for hours at the possibility of not being together. I had hurt him so bad, and I was hurting so bad. We got pizza and stayed at his parents' house for a little while, and then I had work. He was so sweet and wonderful, and told me to prayerfully ponder everything while I was at work and that he would do the same. I did what my best friend Rachel said to do on Monday night--pray in a different direction than I had in the past--I prayed as if I had chosen to end things with Tanner.

On Tuesday, everything was fine and normal. We went out to eat some place... Had a good day. I felt at peace, but I had no idea what that meant. Peace about what, Heavenly Father? I think I just felt peace that my answer was coming. Tanner had been fasting on this day about everything.

On Wednesday, I woke up in a funk again. I was being impossible for Tanner to deal with--not communicating clearly, wanting to be alone, wanting to be with him, being irritable at him--I was being difficult. At some point on Tanner's first day of school, he spoke with Amy Hatch, who was able to share her own experiences and in essence answered his prayer and fast from the previous day. In the evening we talked with his mom about lots of stuff for a long time, anything and everything. And we went to Kohl's to look for a bathing suit for me for Lake Powell. I found nothing. After that, we got Wingshak for him and his family, and I dropped him off and wanted to go home. I went home, started crying uncontrollably, and decided I had to go back to talk to his parents about everything. I couldn't put it off, my heart was hurting too badly.

They had already known what had happened on Monday. They graciously turned off the TV and turned their hearts and ears toward us. They pretty much reaffirmed every one of my concerns. They explained to us that we are polar opposites, and that there is 20% of ourselves that we can change, but that our cores need to meet at some point. There has to be some common ground in the personalities or the way we live our lives. We've done everything we can to meet each others needs--we've both worked so, so hard. And yet our cores just don't match. And so instead of feeling happy and satisfied, we've both felt anxious and tired. Us being so opposite has made it impossible for Tanner to please me. He is so amazing at letting things go, at being so accepting of me and all of my flaws, just recognizing what he needs in me. It hasn't been fair to him that no matter how hard he tries, it'll never be enough for me--how horrible for him, to do such a great job at everything and have it not be sufficient. I told his parents that all I saw ten years down the line, was work. I realize that marriages/relationships take work, but that's not ALL it should be. Enjoying each other's company without trying too hard is part of a good relationship, too. It's not fair to have to work at being happy.

Jim and Starla were very supportive of us and felt terrible for us. I am so grateful they were able to be honest and open in their thoughts with us. After we were done talking, Tanner and I cried some more. I eventually gave back the ring, painfully. There is a white mark on my finger from that ring, and I so miss having it on my hand.

I know all of the amazing things about him and have always known the things he has that I need, that I've needed to learn. I've tried my hardest to learn what I can from him, to change myself and relax, and be better in many ways. I hope you guys recognize this internal battle I'm having. I feel like such a brat. I feel like an unhappy, impossible, ungrateful person. I've felt so horrible for being the way that I am.

And yet I'm having to recognize that these things aren't my fault. There are certain things about me at my "core," that I cannot change. There are certain things about Tanner and me that are in conflict. When we are friends, these things aren't an issue. But together, when I am affected by the way Tanner does things, I feel unhappy.

I hope you all know that I am not saying that my "way," of doing things is the "right" way. I don't think that. I never told Tanner that my way was the right way! The world needs people like him. If everyone were like me, I'm pretty sure it'd be a really boring world. I APPRECIATE his way because I love everything about him, it's just that it affects me in adverse ways.

I so wish we could have made things work, being the opposites that we are. But there are needs not being met on BOTH ends of the spectrum. And I give a million, infinite thanks to Tanner for his love for me and his willingness to change so much. But I can't ask him to change any more. He is beautiful and good exactly how he is. I don't want him to change anything else about him. We just have to pray for acceptance of the fact that these parts that we cannot change are incompatible.

And how horribly, horribly hard it is!! It is a week later, and I am back at work and school, still struggling not to cry every ten minutes. I LOVE Tanner. I love him for all that he is and everything that he has brought into my life. I miss him terribly--I wish I could explain how much I miss him. I was so, so lucky to have him. I would have been so lucky to marry him. He is truly great, and selfishly I want him back because I know he has so many things that nobody else will have. I am so sad to miss out on everything he will become. I cannot even imagine!

This pain in my chest... It feels like my heart is being ripped in half. I'm so tired of crying. My eyes are tired. I miss Tanner so much. I picture us being together, just hanging out in his basement and going out to eat, or doing whatever. And I have to try to remind myself (it's HARD to remind myself) that something about our relationship just wasn't enough--there was some connection, some innate understanding, something missing, for both of us. And yet I am so willing to just go back there, just be with him, have the comfort of that relationship and the understanding and knowledge that we have of each other. I want to be with him all the time. It's just this constant inner battle, and it is exhausting. To know you want something, but to know you need something different.

I keep wondering if this happened to give me a chance to change immensely enough to appreciate and work with Tanner better. Or else I guess I have to wait to find somebody else. Although I'd be happiest right now knowing that I could have Tanner again, to be perfectly honest. I love Tanner's family. I am losing so much along with Tanner. After being with someone for so long, you truly do share everything with each other. We have all the same friends, and unfortunately we cannot all hang out again, at least for a while.

I'm going to make a really personal turn at this point and tell all of you that this is probably one of the hardest times of my life right now. I have done this before. I've given something up that I wanted because I felt that Heavenly Father wanted me to. I've been obedient and faithful. This time, my faith is really being challenged. Here I go crying again.

I'm trying so hard not to be bitter at Heavenly Father, to know that He has a better plan for me, that this is for my growth and betterment. And yet I am like a little child kicking and screaming. "I don't want this, I hate this, I hate you!" I truly have felt so, so bitter. And it is exhausting. We both put so much time and effort into this to get a "no," after all. And I have to give up something, someONE, so amazing. Why? Why can't I just have him? I want him. So here I am, arguing with my Father who knows so much better. I'm submitting, just not quietly.

It is also hard not to have the kind of support that I would like from my parents. I don't want to turn this into any sort of thing where I discuss my parents' inadequacy. For one, they're far away. Secondly, I need support and wisdom and encouragement, in a spiritual and uplifting way, and I am not sure they can provide the words that I really want and need. Tanner is so lucky in that way. I miss Jim and Starla and their counsel and spirituality and insight.

I haven't felt so sorry for myself in my whole life. I'm not a self-pitying person at all. I suck things up and get on with life. But this week has been awful. I have been wallowing in self-pity far too much. For instance... This stress and emotional trauma has made me sick. I got sick the day before school started, and here I am constantly blowing my nose and coughing up infectious waste. Gross. On Sunday, doing what I was "supposed" to do but not what I wanted to do, I fell down the stairs at my apartment complex. This made me look toward the heavens and go, "Seriously?" Like, of all times, when I really don't want to go to church, I get one more curve ball thrown at me, "Let's see how much faith you REALLY have, Janae! Curse your slippery shoe heel, and down you fall!" I fell down the stairs with all my weight on my right foot. It was swollen, but now it is better, just badly bruised and skinned. I also skinned my knee, which burns on a regular basis, particularly when I am forcing myself to pray. After falling down the stairs and getting sick, I also burned my finger on the oven rack. Then on Monday, being sick at work, I thought my regular shift was 5-11. I went to clock out at 10:45 and the computer told me that I was too late to clock out. It turns out that the night before school started at 8 AM the next morning, the night I was sick and physically challenged, I was only scheduled till 10. Well, awesome. I stayed almost an hour longer than I needed to. This was pretty much the last straw, and I bawled the rest of Monday night. I got no sleep before school on Tuesday. I'm pretty sure that when it rains, it pours.

And I know all of these things have been challenging me more and more to bring me down to my knees. I'm sure I'll be there and begging for help tonight.

For now, I am tired of complaining and feeling bad for myself. I know I need to count my blessings always!

So I am grateful that my school day yesterday went smoothly, as it has thus far today. I am grateful that I am almost done being sick--thanks NyQuil. I am grateful for priesthood blessings from my bishop that bless me with faith because He knows that I need it right now. And I am grateful for a good parking spot. I am also grateful for the cooler weather, and the temporary fall that will soon approach. I am so grateful at the timing of Rachel and her sister moving in. I think Heavenly Father knew I would need them at this time, and if I had been alone this past week, I'd be in much worse shape. We watched Enchanted last night, so I am grateful for movies that make me laugh through sadness. *I want to add that I am so, so grateful to everyone who knows me who has been so supportive and sympathetic to me. Your kind words, your prayers, your concern, is so appreciated. At a time that I need to feel loved, it's been provided to me. So thank you everyone--Allyn, Deborah, Tracy, Laura, Matt, Mike, Steph, Lecelin, Ashleigh, Kristina, Shivani... I cannot name everyone. But thank you.

You guys... I am devastated. I truly am having a constant battle with myself over everything. I am in pain, and I am struggling with His will. I am trying to remember that something else awaits me, sometime. Please keep me in your prayers if you can. I completely know that there are so many people who have such worse situations besides "silly old heartbreak," but everyone's got their own things to deal with. And right now this is mine, and I need all the help I can get. This probably seemed like an entirely selfish post, but I don't want to speak for Tanner. These are my feeling the way I see them... I know he has struggled immensely in the last week, and he is in my prayers. He deserves so much. I miss him and still want to be with him and am still hoping that it will work out sometime. I hate thinking that this is permanent--forever.

Also, I've realized I have a lot more blog readers than just my inner circle of friends and family. Those of you who read and have thoughts to share, by all means, leave comments and let me know! I won't be freaked out that you are "stalking" me.

I feel so much better after writing this. Holy moly. Stick a fork in me.