It has to happen now...

You know, writing is everything to me. It helps me organize my thoughts. It helps me communicate much better than I could ever do verbally. It also provides balance in my life as I am able to experience catharsis through getting my thoughts and emotions out into the universe.

I've been putting off writing this because I knew I'd be a wreck while doing so. I am at work, and I actually DO have work to do, but I'm entirely unfocused while doing it. And I realized that this has to happen right now. Yes, right now. I have to write it while my emotions are fresh, and while I have the energy to do so. I can't MAKE myself do it, and now feels like the right time, so now it is.

A little over a week ago, last Monday, I woke up in a funk. It was after a Sunday night conversation about wedding plans. We talked about how difficult it was to pick a date that worked so that people could come. The possibility was brought up that maybe we should just get married in Utah and not my dream temple, San Diego. The whole conversation felt so wrong to me. It made me anxious and stressed. So I woke up on Monday feeling very upset about everything regarding my wedding. And I realized that I had been upset the entire time, not just that Sunday night.

I was upset about how our dating process went. We didn't start "dating" until 6 months after we had kissed for the first time. There was a lot of pain involved in the initial months of our relationship, at least for me. In March, we started talking about the possibility of getting married. This quickly moved to shopping for rings and thinking about August for our wedding. This didn't feel right to me at all. I didn't feel very excited about my ring. It was and IS beautiful, and I loved wearing it. But it was hard for me to feel excited by it. It was hard for me to feel excited about the way he proposed--and it was wonderful! It was hard for me to be excited to tell people that I was engaged--but it was such a big deal! It was hard for me to be excited over shopping for our bedroom set. "Why now? It's so soon. We're not even moving in yet. We could just have a starter bed." The bedroom set I chose was beautiful! And we got a great deal. But, it felt too soon and rushed. Choosing the actual sheet/comforter set didn't feel like my choice, and I wasn't excited about that either.

Not being able to pick our own wedding date removed a lot of excitement. Not going and looking for married student housing made me unenthusiastic.

How horrible for Tanner! I'm in tears right now thinking about how I have been over the last few months. How awful it must be to know this person that you love does not feel any excitement over anything that is happening when you are going to marry them! I feel terrible. I tried so, so hard to be excited and enthusiastic. But for some reason, nothing ever felt right to me. The timing, the way things happened, it just didn't feel right.

Day to day for months and months I'd wonder if we were even right for each other. It seemed we'd fight about some silly little thing every other day or so. It seems I was always angry with him for no reason at all and every reason all at the same time. He and my parents would tell me, "We are opposite and complement each other. That's a good thing!" And yet I felt that there was too much opposite for us to be able to work things out. I shared this with him on a few occasions.

And still I trudged on. Still, the thought of married life, of settling down, of caring for somebody, all made me really satisfied. That kind of consistent lifestyle suits me. I thought if we communicated things effectively and worked on the parts of our personalities that clash, maybe we could be happy. For months we worked and worked. I tried time and time again to set my doubts and hesitations aside. Tanner worked harder for me than I would have ever imagined anyone doing for me. He became even more amazing than he was to begin with. I prayed for patience, I prayed for enthusiasm and courage. I prayed for everything I struggle with personally to be strengthened and improved. I prayed to let him do things his way, and I prayed that I'd be able to just be OK with that and leave him alone. I got better. I prayed for peace about our marriage. And still the doubts were coming.

In the last couple months, conversations have felt forced and not free-flowing at all--like we had nothing to talk about. In recent weeks I have become unsatisfied in general with being with Tanner when we haven't had anything to do. To me, when you are happy doing nothing, it says a lot. Instead I've been anxious when we've had nothing to do. I've found myself just angry and unsettled, and I found us generally unstable. I have felt like the days of happiness and love have been few and far between. So wonderful and so worth it, but so infrequent.

Last Monday was a hard, long day. I cried and cried. I left work early because I was a wreck. Tanner came over, and we cried and cried for hours at the possibility of not being together. I had hurt him so bad, and I was hurting so bad. We got pizza and stayed at his parents' house for a little while, and then I had work. He was so sweet and wonderful, and told me to prayerfully ponder everything while I was at work and that he would do the same. I did what my best friend Rachel said to do on Monday night--pray in a different direction than I had in the past--I prayed as if I had chosen to end things with Tanner.

On Tuesday, everything was fine and normal. We went out to eat some place... Had a good day. I felt at peace, but I had no idea what that meant. Peace about what, Heavenly Father? I think I just felt peace that my answer was coming. Tanner had been fasting on this day about everything.

On Wednesday, I woke up in a funk again. I was being impossible for Tanner to deal with--not communicating clearly, wanting to be alone, wanting to be with him, being irritable at him--I was being difficult. At some point on Tanner's first day of school, he spoke with Amy Hatch, who was able to share her own experiences and in essence answered his prayer and fast from the previous day. In the evening we talked with his mom about lots of stuff for a long time, anything and everything. And we went to Kohl's to look for a bathing suit for me for Lake Powell. I found nothing. After that, we got Wingshak for him and his family, and I dropped him off and wanted to go home. I went home, started crying uncontrollably, and decided I had to go back to talk to his parents about everything. I couldn't put it off, my heart was hurting too badly.

They had already known what had happened on Monday. They graciously turned off the TV and turned their hearts and ears toward us. They pretty much reaffirmed every one of my concerns. They explained to us that we are polar opposites, and that there is 20% of ourselves that we can change, but that our cores need to meet at some point. There has to be some common ground in the personalities or the way we live our lives. We've done everything we can to meet each others needs--we've both worked so, so hard. And yet our cores just don't match. And so instead of feeling happy and satisfied, we've both felt anxious and tired. Us being so opposite has made it impossible for Tanner to please me. He is so amazing at letting things go, at being so accepting of me and all of my flaws, just recognizing what he needs in me. It hasn't been fair to him that no matter how hard he tries, it'll never be enough for me--how horrible for him, to do such a great job at everything and have it not be sufficient. I told his parents that all I saw ten years down the line, was work. I realize that marriages/relationships take work, but that's not ALL it should be. Enjoying each other's company without trying too hard is part of a good relationship, too. It's not fair to have to work at being happy.

Jim and Starla were very supportive of us and felt terrible for us. I am so grateful they were able to be honest and open in their thoughts with us. After we were done talking, Tanner and I cried some more. I eventually gave back the ring, painfully. There is a white mark on my finger from that ring, and I so miss having it on my hand.

I know all of the amazing things about him and have always known the things he has that I need, that I've needed to learn. I've tried my hardest to learn what I can from him, to change myself and relax, and be better in many ways. I hope you guys recognize this internal battle I'm having. I feel like such a brat. I feel like an unhappy, impossible, ungrateful person. I've felt so horrible for being the way that I am.

And yet I'm having to recognize that these things aren't my fault. There are certain things about me at my "core," that I cannot change. There are certain things about Tanner and me that are in conflict. When we are friends, these things aren't an issue. But together, when I am affected by the way Tanner does things, I feel unhappy.

I hope you all know that I am not saying that my "way," of doing things is the "right" way. I don't think that. I never told Tanner that my way was the right way! The world needs people like him. If everyone were like me, I'm pretty sure it'd be a really boring world. I APPRECIATE his way because I love everything about him, it's just that it affects me in adverse ways.

I so wish we could have made things work, being the opposites that we are. But there are needs not being met on BOTH ends of the spectrum. And I give a million, infinite thanks to Tanner for his love for me and his willingness to change so much. But I can't ask him to change any more. He is beautiful and good exactly how he is. I don't want him to change anything else about him. We just have to pray for acceptance of the fact that these parts that we cannot change are incompatible.

And how horribly, horribly hard it is!! It is a week later, and I am back at work and school, still struggling not to cry every ten minutes. I LOVE Tanner. I love him for all that he is and everything that he has brought into my life. I miss him terribly--I wish I could explain how much I miss him. I was so, so lucky to have him. I would have been so lucky to marry him. He is truly great, and selfishly I want him back because I know he has so many things that nobody else will have. I am so sad to miss out on everything he will become. I cannot even imagine!

This pain in my chest... It feels like my heart is being ripped in half. I'm so tired of crying. My eyes are tired. I miss Tanner so much. I picture us being together, just hanging out in his basement and going out to eat, or doing whatever. And I have to try to remind myself (it's HARD to remind myself) that something about our relationship just wasn't enough--there was some connection, some innate understanding, something missing, for both of us. And yet I am so willing to just go back there, just be with him, have the comfort of that relationship and the understanding and knowledge that we have of each other. I want to be with him all the time. It's just this constant inner battle, and it is exhausting. To know you want something, but to know you need something different.

I keep wondering if this happened to give me a chance to change immensely enough to appreciate and work with Tanner better. Or else I guess I have to wait to find somebody else. Although I'd be happiest right now knowing that I could have Tanner again, to be perfectly honest. I love Tanner's family. I am losing so much along with Tanner. After being with someone for so long, you truly do share everything with each other. We have all the same friends, and unfortunately we cannot all hang out again, at least for a while.

I'm going to make a really personal turn at this point and tell all of you that this is probably one of the hardest times of my life right now. I have done this before. I've given something up that I wanted because I felt that Heavenly Father wanted me to. I've been obedient and faithful. This time, my faith is really being challenged. Here I go crying again.

I'm trying so hard not to be bitter at Heavenly Father, to know that He has a better plan for me, that this is for my growth and betterment. And yet I am like a little child kicking and screaming. "I don't want this, I hate this, I hate you!" I truly have felt so, so bitter. And it is exhausting. We both put so much time and effort into this to get a "no," after all. And I have to give up something, someONE, so amazing. Why? Why can't I just have him? I want him. So here I am, arguing with my Father who knows so much better. I'm submitting, just not quietly.

It is also hard not to have the kind of support that I would like from my parents. I don't want to turn this into any sort of thing where I discuss my parents' inadequacy. For one, they're far away. Secondly, I need support and wisdom and encouragement, in a spiritual and uplifting way, and I am not sure they can provide the words that I really want and need. Tanner is so lucky in that way. I miss Jim and Starla and their counsel and spirituality and insight.

I haven't felt so sorry for myself in my whole life. I'm not a self-pitying person at all. I suck things up and get on with life. But this week has been awful. I have been wallowing in self-pity far too much. For instance... This stress and emotional trauma has made me sick. I got sick the day before school started, and here I am constantly blowing my nose and coughing up infectious waste. Gross. On Sunday, doing what I was "supposed" to do but not what I wanted to do, I fell down the stairs at my apartment complex. This made me look toward the heavens and go, "Seriously?" Like, of all times, when I really don't want to go to church, I get one more curve ball thrown at me, "Let's see how much faith you REALLY have, Janae! Curse your slippery shoe heel, and down you fall!" I fell down the stairs with all my weight on my right foot. It was swollen, but now it is better, just badly bruised and skinned. I also skinned my knee, which burns on a regular basis, particularly when I am forcing myself to pray. After falling down the stairs and getting sick, I also burned my finger on the oven rack. Then on Monday, being sick at work, I thought my regular shift was 5-11. I went to clock out at 10:45 and the computer told me that I was too late to clock out. It turns out that the night before school started at 8 AM the next morning, the night I was sick and physically challenged, I was only scheduled till 10. Well, awesome. I stayed almost an hour longer than I needed to. This was pretty much the last straw, and I bawled the rest of Monday night. I got no sleep before school on Tuesday. I'm pretty sure that when it rains, it pours.

And I know all of these things have been challenging me more and more to bring me down to my knees. I'm sure I'll be there and begging for help tonight.

For now, I am tired of complaining and feeling bad for myself. I know I need to count my blessings always!

So I am grateful that my school day yesterday went smoothly, as it has thus far today. I am grateful that I am almost done being sick--thanks NyQuil. I am grateful for priesthood blessings from my bishop that bless me with faith because He knows that I need it right now. And I am grateful for a good parking spot. I am also grateful for the cooler weather, and the temporary fall that will soon approach. I am so grateful at the timing of Rachel and her sister moving in. I think Heavenly Father knew I would need them at this time, and if I had been alone this past week, I'd be in much worse shape. We watched Enchanted last night, so I am grateful for movies that make me laugh through sadness. *I want to add that I am so, so grateful to everyone who knows me who has been so supportive and sympathetic to me. Your kind words, your prayers, your concern, is so appreciated. At a time that I need to feel loved, it's been provided to me. So thank you everyone--Allyn, Deborah, Tracy, Laura, Matt, Mike, Steph, Lecelin, Ashleigh, Kristina, Shivani... I cannot name everyone. But thank you.

You guys... I am devastated. I truly am having a constant battle with myself over everything. I am in pain, and I am struggling with His will. I am trying to remember that something else awaits me, sometime. Please keep me in your prayers if you can. I completely know that there are so many people who have such worse situations besides "silly old heartbreak," but everyone's got their own things to deal with. And right now this is mine, and I need all the help I can get. This probably seemed like an entirely selfish post, but I don't want to speak for Tanner. These are my feeling the way I see them... I know he has struggled immensely in the last week, and he is in my prayers. He deserves so much. I miss him and still want to be with him and am still hoping that it will work out sometime. I hate thinking that this is permanent--forever.

Also, I've realized I have a lot more blog readers than just my inner circle of friends and family. Those of you who read and have thoughts to share, by all means, leave comments and let me know! I won't be freaked out that you are "stalking" me.

I feel so much better after writing this. Holy moly. Stick a fork in me.