Monday, January 31, 2011

Satisfying a Need

... Not that kind of need, you sickos.

I've been in a funk since Saturday! Saturday! It's Monday now!

I determined this morning that I need to be done with this and write it out. I always forget that when I fall into a funk, it is often because I have not written. How many times have I said that on this blog? Can someone send me periodic, "Janae you need to write before you get psycho" reminders? No? Ugh.

Just in the way of complaints:

I really hate having to say no when friends want to go out to eat. I hate saying no to driving to see friends because I can't afford gas. I hate plugging numbers in to my budget worksheet and trying to make it all work out and having it come way too close for comfort when I'm not even spending money on things I want, and am putting off getting things I need. I'm not spending any extra money (OK, so Red Mango over a week ago doesn't count. I haven't had it in like 2 months).

Grrr, money problems. I get that it would be a huge cause of conflict in marriage that results in divorce. If I were married to myself, I'd divorce me! And I'm not even a frivolous spender.

I will say there is something empowering in being able to say NO to everything. It's nice knowing my debt is at least not increasing while I am exhaling this continuous verbal string of unpleasant NOs.

I am looking forward to going home in 2 weeks and 4 days. I'm not counting though.

I'm also looking forward to my birthday in 10 days. I'm not counting though. I've had sources point to a surprise of some sort from a person I like. Even more reason to look forward to my birthday.

I am looking forward to Thursday on Saturday night, even if I go alone.

I am excited for my leftover pizza that Brianne brought over on Saturday night. It's warming up. Thanks, Breezy. It's not often I get treats like that anymore.

I love looking in my shopping cart and seeing all healthy food with one little splurgey thing.

I am glad that I enjoy eating healthy. Seriously. Fruit, veggies, chicken, salads, smoothies, protein shakes (OK maybe not the last one)... I really love it.

I am looking forward to watching Garden State tonight. It's been a while.

And then I'm looking forward to sleep after that.

I am excited to make Valentine's goodies.

Is that enough good stuff to balance out my financial complaints? I think so. But just in case it wasn't...

My students were pretty good today (except 4A who I loathe more every time I see them). Romeo & Juliet is going pretty well. I have been able to leave work at work at the time I am supposed to leave! Things are good.

Movie time.

Monday, January 24, 2011


So I've been working out three times a week consistently for several weeks now. I've made "checking in" at 24 Hour Fitness on my phone a pretty regular thing.

I worked out way too hard on Saturday--trying to pick up my back exercises where I left off, oh, like, 8 months ago. Bad idea. I couldn't even lift my arms all the way today. I'll just say that.

So since Monday is usually my upper body/arms day, I decided to scratch that and just do a bout of cardio on my beloved elliptical. My arms are getting back to normal semi-rapidly, so I don't feel a lot of pressure to work them out excessively. And to clarify, by "normal" I mean "less fat."

Anyway, I realize that's probably super boring for everyone but me who likes to document every little accomplishment in her life, so! On to this connecting this fierce determination to this weird satisfaction I feel about life lately.

I've been getting very small amounts of sleep for oh, about 26 days now. Where my Saturdays and Sundays were spent getting 9-12 hours of sleep, I am now getting maybe 6 per night. And somewhere between 3 and 6 hours during the week.

If you know me, you know I don't do well on little sleep. My body acts funny, I feel sick at my stomach. I get shaky. I get pale. My eyes get red. Basically, I just get kind of ugly and grouchy.

And under normal circumstances, if I don't get enough sleep, I use that as a reason not to go to the gym--I shouldn't overwork or exhaust myself (that's the logic)!

In spite of this, I've had SO much energy lately. I have just had this desire to exercise, to eat well, to push myself, and find no excuses. I go to the gym feeling pumped, and I leave the gym feeling pumped... aaaand covered in sweat. 

It feels good to have nothing to complain about. I mean, I guess I could find some things, but I'm certainly not looking for them. It feels even better to feel excited about life, to have something to look forward to on a daily basis... To finally start feeling good about myself again.

I'm not entirely sure where this energy and excitement and "zest for life" is coming from. I was thinking it might be because I'm twitterpated.

On to the shower, and crock pot creamy chicken & mushroom dinner with Rachel.

<3 LML

Friday, January 21, 2011


Muscle Milk.

I seriously hate it.

I like these Carnation breakfast drinks, right? So there's a recipe with one of those packets, milk, half a banana, some ice, and let's be honest, why not add some peanut butter?

I had it the other morning and really enjoyed it, but today I thought I'd make one a little more substantial because I am STARVING.

Seriously, I've been really hungry the last couple of days.

Anyway, I thought I'd use protein powder instead of the Carnation one.


I mean, it's drinkable and all, but the Carnation one is way better. The texture that the Muscle Milk causes is not my favorite--like a weird powder grainy feeling in my mouth. Ew.

I bought it because protein shakes are an easy lunch most days, and Costco had a pretty good deal on it. But I much prefer my Body Fortress kind--that one is actually good. I just used the Muscle Milk because it expires sooner than my other powder.

In short, I don't like Muscle Milk.

/end rant

Simon Says...

Janae: "I really, really want to go to Graceland."
Boy: "Let's go. I'll take you."
Janae: "OK but I want to drive all the way there!"
Boy: "That would be cool. We can do that."

Janae: "I want to go to Peru sooooo bad."
Boy: "Why do you want to go to Peru?"
Janae: "Because I watched Apocalypto tonight with Rachel and it looks awesome and I want to see the ruins and it just looks awesome in everyone's pictures!"
Boy: "Let's go."

Boy: "I watch Jeopardy and So You Think You Can Dance."

Ummm... I see amazing things in my future. Especially if you know how much I love my show.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Canned Heat

I had no title for this blog, and that's the last song that played on my iPod as I was leaving the gym today...

Where I did a pretty intense bout of lower body exercises and worked off approximately 380 calories in 35 minutes of cardio.

Today all of my classes were really good. It was surprising. I don't know if it's a conscious decision of mine to be more smiley, positive, patient, or what... Or if it's my new seating chart... Or if it's the kids behaving better... Or if it's a better planned lesson...

But I have already learned all of the names in my 2B class (where all but two or three students are new). And my lesson plans in English and reading today went REALLY well.

In English, we spent the first 45 minutes or so in groups doing mnemonic device posters for our roots and commonly confused words. Some of them came out really cute. A lot of the groups worked well together (I assigned them).

We spent the next 35 minutes doing an anticipation guide for Romeo and Juliet, where students needed to rate the offensiveness of 13 different things (like killing out of revenge, selling drugs, marrying for money, etc.). They love these discussions and always have a lot to say. The anticipation guide talks usually lead to the class getting a little bit out of control, but I prepare for it and just go with it. It takes too much energy to fight it.

For the last 10 minutes or so we watched this really funny video. They laughed and laughed.

I even had one student tell me when class was over, "This was a good class!"

Now, I can't say I get devastated when kids are bored in my class. Because, let's face it, I just can't make everything fun, no matter how hard I try. But when they say that they enjoyed what I prepared, I really love it! I really, really do.

(I have decided that my controlling and obsessive nature works to my advantage with my job. When I've planned something out really well and put in the work, it results in a lot LESS work when it really counts. Putting groups together, planning lessons, finding videos, getting butcher paper, all takes a lot of time. But man, when things run as smoothly as they did today, it's worth it!)

I think they are pumped to read the play, and I'm going to try to keep that momentum going and not get too bogged down in the text and getting it done and everything. I want them to enjoy it and stop fearing Shakespeare.

Anyway, soapbox done.

Today's weather was so beautiful. I mean, 36° is cold, but if it were this sunny and pretty every day, I can't say I'd be as bugged with the cold.

Shower, Target with Rachel, movie or summat else. G'bye!

Monday, January 17, 2011

Unstable and Ugly Person

You know, I was once called an unstable and ugly person. There were lots of other choice words used to describe me as well.

I struggled for a long time over that cruel piece of writing directed at me.

This blog was meant to inform everyone about how happy I am.

I guess I thought I would start by recalling those harsh words to decide if that really (was or) is the case. I thought it might provide a nice contrast to seriously evaluate myself.

I am happy because:

I devote my time to being well-planned so that I can teach really, really difficult students in spite of themselves.

I use up all my energy trying to teach them effectively and manage their behavior at the same time.

I work hard to keep grades up to date. 

I show mercy to them when they want to turn in work late.

I do my darnedest to get them to pass by handing them all the work that they're missing.

I have been working out regularly (380 calories in 35 minutes today, by the way, plus an upper body workout).

I have been keeping track of my food intake.

I have been doing my visiting teaching alone because my companion is MIA.

I was just called yesterday to be a visiting teaching supervisor (likely because of how devoted I am to making sure I do my visiting teaching).

I have been writing regularly on my blog.

I have been reading a talk out of the Ensign every night (mostly). I'm almost done with the priesthood session talks.

I got my temple recommend renewed and am excited to go to the temple. Just to sit there and feel peace.

I pray consistently, and a majority of the time my prayers consist of praying for others, and of thanking Heavenly Father for my blessings. 

I do my homework and go to school every Tuesday night, so I can learn even more about how to be a good teacher to such difficult students.

I let things go when I feel angry or frustrated--trying to always look at the bright side of situations. (For example: terrible drivers, an incorrect drive-thru order at almost midnight when I haven't eaten in 8 hours and haven't eaten out in weeks, etc.)

I've been listening to more music.

I've been eating at home, cooking a lot, and saving money--the only shopping I have done has been for groceries, or at Blockbuster with free coupons.

My brother went through detox and starts outpatient care soon.

Some of my other relatives are also receiving treatment.

The weather is 45 right now, and all the ice is almost melted!

I am going home next month.

I have a prospect... <3

I just seriously am always trying to be better, healthier, more productive, more thankful, more consistent. I am really imperfect, but I try so hard because that's where I find joy.

So at this moment in time, I've decided that I am (contrary to what was said to me a year and a half ago) a highly stable and acceptable person.

Now, if only I had a keyboard to practice piano...

Sunday, January 16, 2011

The Rock and the Tide

"The Rock And The Tide"

See a mountain, see an ocean, see the years that bring
Rock and tide together
Settle down I said to myself, things that come with time
Will always be better
Everyone gets what they want too fast, these days
No one knows the way to make things last
Still I say, Hey Baby, I'm through waiting
'Cause I need you now I'll show you how
You can take my hand and save me, C'mon save me

Now the moon is in the right place after years of
spinning 'round the sun, so I'm done with
all the times I strained to find a rhyme left me blind and busted
Everyone gets what they want too fast, these days
No one knows the way to make things last
Still I say, Hey Baby, I'm through waiting
'Cause I need you now I'll show you how
You can take my hand and save me, C'mon save me

Friday, January 14, 2011

Let Me Do It!

Since I was really little, I have been very independent.

As a 3-year old, I wanted to pick all my own outfits and change my clothes.

I remember wanting to learn how to tie my shoes "BY MYSELF!"

As a teenager, I felt guilty ever asking for things to be given to me. If I was ever given money to go anywhere or do something fun, I was sure I had as much change as possible to bring home.

I woke myself up with an alarm from when I was around 8 years old.

I imposed my own bedtime in junior high. 

I kept track of all my own homework all throughout school.

I never went to tutoring or asked for help: "I can figure it out on my own!"

I got a job at age 17, before senior year.

I decided to do an internship alone instead of student teaching because, "I want to run things MY way."

Now in a somewhat pressured financial situation, when my mom is ready and willing to help me out, what do I say?

"No, I don't want you to help me. I want to face my own financial difficulties alone like an adult, thank you."

One of these days my pride might get me in trouble.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Woo! Conversation!

Even after having

Vacuumed my whole apartment
Cleaned the bathroom
Wiped down the kitchen
Done dishes
Packed up Christmas
Graded and entered a bunch of stuff

I think the thing that makes me feel most satisfied in a day is having a good conversation. Truly. I can sleep better and more willingly if I've had a good one.

My visiting teachers just left (they were here for like an hour), and it's the first time I've been visit taught... Well... Ever. In five years of singles wards.

I'm not perfect at visiting teaching, but I try SO hard to be diligent about it because I think it's so important. I'm so glad they came.

We talked about movies, our families a little, social tendencies... But the best part was our extensive conversation regarding how lacking we find Stephenie Meyers' fiction and how obsessed we all are with Harry Potter. We had a very deep discussion about Harry Potter and our favorite characters and the differences between the movies and the books.

I'm so glad to find someone who I can talk to about this and not be the only ridiculously emotional and passionate and excited one.

I felt only like a minimal dork.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Lists Done and Undone

I wanted to blog the other day about how productive I was. But I've been productive and busy pretty much every day.

-I graded and entered lots of stuff at work (journals, late work)
-Had lesson plans go smoothly
-Left work about 3:30
-Went to the gym and did an awesome 50 minute elliptical sesh. (I reached 500 calories before 45 minutes. We'll see how quickly I can get back in shape because I was at one time able to do 800 calories in an hour--400 in 30 minutes).
-I took some grading home and actually finished it!
-I had a yummy healthy dinner
-Watched The Kids Are All Right (Focus Features for the win)

I can't remember what else I did, but I do know that I felt awesome at the end of the day for having done so much.

Tuesday was also really busy... Work, grading, good lessons, class for 2.5 hours, home, and Skyping.

And today's another good one... Work, grading, successful lessons, gym for over an hour, possibly another Skype sesh to come?

I have some grading to do that I brought home with me, but I'm feeling so unmotivated. I'm leaving so much stuff undone that I really need to do. Here's my list so my brain doesn't explode.

-Grading book reviews (these will be fast, I just have to do them. I'm halfway done)
-Grading a roots and commonly confused words test (they just took it today so I'm OK)
-Grading in-class essays (also did that today, so I'm still OK)
-Grading late work and late journals (I torture myself for these kids, seriously)
-Finalizing grades (including citizenship. Needs to be done by Tuesday morning)
-Updating website and absent folder
-Doing seating charts for term 3 (this is for their sake, not mine. I hate doing that.)
-Making copies for term 3 (disclosures, reading logs, late work coupons, hall passes, etc.)
-Making a unit plan/map for term 3 (yeah don't worry that it starts on Tuesday and I have NO idea what I'm doing. But it's cool; it'll get done. I learned that last year.)
-Lesson plans for next week 

-Stop at Discount Tire Co. to get my air pressure fixed (my light has been on for 2-3 days now. oops.)
-Take down Christmas decorations (don't judge me! I was unmotivated on Saturday and had homework to do. I didn't get back from Christmas break till a week after Christmas anyway, so I wasn't home to do it. And I didn't just write several sentences justifying myself!)
-Clean apartment (it's pretty horrific in my opinion)
-Send my sister a baby shower present because I couldn't afford the gas to get down there
-Visit teach my girls (don't worry, I texted them today!)
-Homework for next Tuesday

Here's some good news:
-I am excited to have a non-student day on Friday to get lots of the above stuff done (and Monday off!)
-I am excited to go to the temple on the 22nd. I'm not sure what temple we're going to, but I'm excited!
-I am excited that I got my temple recommend renewed
-I am excited to go home next month
-I am excited that Tonia mentioned on her blog because I've been keeping diligent track of my food and exercise on it for about a week. It's SO motivating and so good for long term changes rather than metabolically damaging quick fixes. I've been talking myself into a permanent, slow change for a few months now.
-I am excited to eat leftover chili
-I am excited about a potential future relationship
-I am excited to sleep tonight.
-I am excited that my birthday is in less than a month!
-I am excited that Glee's gonna come back on next week!

And regardless of what you may be inclined to believe at this point, I did not overuse parentheses in this blog post.

*I have since returned to this blog to cross out the things that I have accomplished. And I am about to do a light cleaning as well.

Monday, January 10, 2011


The last 5 minutes of my drive home from work, I kept seeing something out of the corner of my left eye...

You know, kind of like a car is riding to the left and behind you a little?

I was so bugged at how this car was at a constant position and speed at my left.

Till I actually turned my head and realized

that a bird took a dook on my car.

Seriously, bird?


Sunday, January 9, 2011


I asked for a Magic Bullet a month and a half before Christmas. I really wanted one so I could make smoothies.

Sometimes kids get new toys and play with them for like a week, and then they get bored with it.

I am no such kid. And my Magic Bullet is no such toy.

I've made 4 or 5 smoothies this week, including one today, which I am finishing right now.

I bought a big bag of frozen mixed fruit at Costco for about $8. I bought some bananas, some strawberry yogurt, and I always have orange juice on hand. Each smoothie probably costs a (totally) guesstimated total of $1, tops. Take that, Jamba!

I fill up about half the cup with the fruit, cut up half of a banana, pour some orange juice in there till it's about 1/3 up, and then a few spoonfuls of yogurt.

Perfect texture, perfect taste, perfectly healthy!!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

The Unexpected

Probably the best part of life are the things (or people) that walk in when we least expect them...

The kinds of things that give you butterflies. 

But I know from lots of experience that there's danger in hope.  So I'm going to stop there.


Get gas
Do lesson plans
Take down Christmas
Set up visiting teaching times

I'm going to call it good if I do three of those things today. Seriously, I'm feeling very unmotivated.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Oh Hey Happiness :)

Waking up to my own (awesome) song choice? Check.

Waking up to spectacularly sweet text messages from someone darling? Check.

Delicious smoothie for breakfast? Check.

Owning a highly useful Magic Bullet to make said smoothie? Check.

All (except three) green lights on the way to work? Check.

Amazingly quiet and focused 3B, 4B, 1A, and 3A? Check.

The above success because of my most excellent lesson planning skills? Check.

Today is a good, good day.

Monday, January 3, 2011


Weird how when I think of my most romantic dates, they took place long after I had been dating somebody.

The love was already established. The happiness and security existed.

Then the evening was made romantic by whatever the situation was... The ambiance of whatever time or place or circumstance. Like romantic dates just amplified and brought to the surface our feelings for each other. Romance can't happen on first dates with strangers because there's no developed feeling to express. It just comes off as trying too hard and would create awkwardness in attempting to force serious romance.

I attach feelings to certain things, like weather. Different types of weather make me feel and remember different things. Music. Smells. Lighting. The way the sunlight looks, especially in the evening.

There have not been many moments in my life where I've been able to recognize the romance in the actual moment it occurred. But when I did, it was amazing. Like I wanted those seconds to last forever.

I'm itching for a romantic date right about now. To walk around in the freezing weather with someone and not be concerned about how cold I feel. To splurge on a nice dinner. To get dressed up and feel pretty. To hug and hug and hug and only let go because some outside factor forces you to. To not be able to come up with a reason not to smile.

I'm trying to remember the last time I experienced this. The most recent thing that came to my head was in, I believe, January 2009. Two years ago. Wow, that's kind of depressing.

I'm getting impatient.

Sunday, January 2, 2011


OK... I'm jumping on the bandwagon and thought I'd mention some highlights from last year--2010.

Birthday dinner with friends

Birthday in Vegas with parents... Criss Angel! My boyfriend. 

My fish surviving

My car getting graffitied on by losers. 

Meeting Cary Brothers and listening to him and taking a picture with him that's really, really ugly


Going to Hawaii

Moving to my apartment, buying furniture and cool grown up stuff like that. 

Rappelling for the first time! (Sorry, this picture is terrible) 

Buying pumpkins with my best friend. 

Christmas with my family...

I guess all in all it has been a really eventful and good year. I mean there's always bad stuff, right? But I made it out of 2010 in one pretty happy and healthy piece.

I can see why people do recaps like this. I had to go back through my pictures for the year. I'm glad I take so many so that I can remember it all. It makes me feel proud to look at all the changes I've been through, the growth, the accomplishments, and the new things I tried.

So, life continues in the same way it's been going, and hopefully even better in 2011. I'm off to bed.

Saturday, January 1, 2011


"Blues are gratified when they are listened to, when they feel understood and appreciated. They are notorious for revealing their inadequacies, because they value being known and understood so much. In the eyes of a blue, being vulnerable is a small price to pay for the chance to connect emotionally. Blues may have their hearts broken more than most people, but they also spend much more time in love."

So nice to have things articulated so much better than I can do it.

Jobs and 2011

My dad said if his business accelerates I should come work for him as an office manager.

That's the kind of job that requires no brains, little effort, and no stress. I can leave work at work, exercise, and have energy all the time to do what I love and what makes me happy, as well as pursue some new things.

Like a boy I may or may not be interested in.

Plus I'd be making more than twice as much as I am now.

It really depresses me that I worked so hard to get here and work so hard all the time and don't have too much to show for it. Plus, I live in Utah. Ugh. When I am in California, I feel like it is where I belong. It feels like home, and it makes me feel peaceful and happy. I don't know how much longer I can stay where I'm at. 

After I finish my reading endorsement I think I will come back down here and take that job with my dad. And I am completely serious.

I don't feel too much hope at the beginning of the year because to me it's just "tomorrow" with a different number. It's good to always have goals, but not necessarily because it's a new year. On Monday I'll return to the exact same life I had before I came home to California. It's not a bad life, but it's the same one.

So all of this inspiring "new beginnings" stuff just feels like weird propaganda to me. I'm glad that everyone else can find hope in it. That's good. I see things as being the same and hopefully continuing to progress and morph into even better things. That's how I always see it.

Going into 2011 with a constant hope, not a renewed one.