Tuesday, March 31, 2009


Words are so, so important to me.

Words can lift me up.

Or they can destroy me.

And I'll remember them forever.

I can forgive. But I can't forget.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Fugitive Pieces

I recently read a book whose language made my mouth water. I literally had to stop and gather myself before I could continue reading because I was just so enthralled by these words. They drove me crazy! (in a good way).

For my own sake, I'm transcribing some of my favorite parts. (If the end quote isn't there, it means it goes on to the next paragraph, just FYI.) Feel free to skim through them--this blog is not for you. It's for me! :)

Oh, delicious words...

"Love makes you see a place differently, just as you hold differently an object that belongs to someone you love. If you know one landscape well, you will look at all other landscapes differently. And if you learn to love one place, sometimes you can also learn to love another."

"'Look at me, look at me' to convince me of his goodness, he couldn't know how he terrified me, how meaningless the words. If truth is not in the face, then where is it? In the hands! In the hands."

"I embraced him with all my strength, again and again, but he would not come back. It is impossible to reach the emptiness in each cell. His death was quiet; rain on the sea."

"The best teacher lodges an intent not in the mind but in the heart."

"One can look deeply for meaning or one can invent it."

"Love must change you, it can only change you."

"There's a Hebrew saying: Hold a book in your hand and you're a pilgrim at the gates of a new city."

"I lost myself, discovered the world could disappear. During long evenings, in the blush of the lamp, in the purity of white pages."

"I'm a kabbalist only in that I believe in the power of incantation. A poem is as neural as love; the rut of rhythm that veers the mind."

"'Write to save yourself,' Athos said, 'and someday you'll write because you've been saved.'"

"Her hair and hat circle her quiet face. She's young. There are twenty-five years between us. Looking at her I feel such pure regret, such clean sadness, it's almost like joy. Her hat, the snow, remind me of Akhmatova's poem where, in two lines, the poet shakes her fists and then closes her hands in prayer: 'You're many years late,/ how happy I am to see you.'"

"Michaela offers her ancestors to me. I'm shocked at my hunger for her memories. Love feeds on the protein of detail, suck facts to the marrow; just as there's no generality in the body, every particular speaking at once until there's such a crying out....

"I am leaning forward on the sofa, she is sitting on the floor, the small table between us. It seems to be absolution simply to listen to her. But I know that if she touches me my shame will be exposed, she'll see my ugliness, my thinning hair, the teeth that aren't my own. She'll see in my body the terrible things that have marked me."

"He told me that the year before, he'd bought tubes of yellow paint, every shade of the brightest yellow, but he couldn't bring himself to use them. He continued to paint in the same dark ochres and browns.

"The serenity of a winter bedroom; the street quiet except for a shovel scraping the sidewalk, a sound that seems to gather silence around it. The first morning I woke to Michaela--my head on the small of her back, her heels like two islands under the blanket--I knew that this was my first experience of the color yellow."

"In Michaela's favorite restaurant, I lift my glass and cutlery spills onto the expensive tiled floor. The sound crashes high as the skylight. Looking at me, Michaela pushes her own silverware over the edge.

"I fell in love amid the clattering of spoons...."

"Is there a woman who will slowly undress my spirit, bring my body to belief."

"Naomi, whom I've known for eight years--I can't tell you what her wrists look like, or the knot of bone of her ankle, or how her hairs grows at the back of her neck, but I can tell you her mood almost before she enters the room. I can tell you what she likes to eat, how she holds a glass, what she would make of a certain painting or headline. I know what she makes of her memories. I know what she remembers. I know her memories."

Robert Schwartzman

My current celebrity crush is on Robert Schwartzman, frontman for a favorite band of mine, Rooney.

He is so darling, especially in The Princess Diaries. Yeah, I said it. Princess Diaries. He works on Mia's car in that movie.

He can work on my car whenever he wants, tell you what. She needs a new paint job.

Something about that Luke Skywalker hair cut.

And skinny white boys.

What is my deal?

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Toilets and Towels

I just had a flashback of when I had food poisoning which seems not too long ago. It was a year and twelve days ago, to be exact. Feels like yesterday, and I kind of wish it were for a few reasons. It's funny what happens in a year. And thank heaven I went into such detail. What would you all have done without it?

A lot happens even in just a few weeks... Because it was just over four weeks ago that some things didn't go very well at all for me. Four weeks is not a long time at all. Neither is two. It's just interesting how fast life moves, especially when you don't want it to. And it's interesting how slowly feelings fade, especially when you do want them to.

I digress. Because I know you all loved my detailed bathroom experiences of a year ago, I thought I'd share another.

Let's say that you live in an apartment with three people, two of which are your friends. The other one you share a bathroom with and therefore can't be as open about certain things.

Let's just say.

Let's say, too, that you have a yellow towel, and your bathroom-sharing roommate has a pink one.

Let's also say that you take three seconds every morning to fold your soft yellow towel into thirds very nicely and hang it on the towel rack, utilizing less than half of its length.

Let's say that when you use the facilities later that day, you see this:

Can't see it? Let's zoom in, shall we?

Would this bother you?

Because it bothers me.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Worth It...

I re-read a blog today that someone wrote on March 4th of last year.

It made me cry.

And it made me feel like it was worth the struggle.

I thank heaven for blogs, sometimes...

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Spring Fever!

I can't concentrate on any of my responsibilities.

64°? Seriously? And you expect me to read textbooks?

Come on.

I want to go fishing, dang it!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Letting Go

It's hard feeling like I'm being talked about by people who have a very limited understanding of a situation...of me. It's hard knowing my mistakes, wishing I could go back and fix things, and not being able to, or wanting to explain something when I'm not given the chance.

What has been done to me and what I have done to others have both made me learn a few things in these last couple of months...

I'm learning to be careful about my thoughts about others. I've learned that how I perceive people is from a very limited perspective. If people haven't shared their deepest thoughts or feelings or experiences, then I haven't any understanding of them, who they are, or what they have gone through. I'm learning this because I'm feeling terribly misunderstood and misrepresented. Negative actions do not accurately reflect the whole person. People are multi-layered and have motives.

I'm learning that true love is knowing all of those layers, good and bad, and sticking with someone.

I'm learning that we only know half the story about others. Even when we think they've shared everything, they haven't. Everyone has a bad side which they wouldn't like others to know about. Everyone has something they've said or done which makes them look terrible.

I'm learning that even though there is a dark side to people, we should love them anyway. This is because a) we don't know the whole story and b) the Lord said so (Mark 12: 30-33).

I'm learning that being open about my mistakes doesn't do much good. I'm learning which thoughts and feelings of mine not to share. This is influencing me to censor myself and cover up the "bad side" like everyone else does so well.

I'm learning that there are two sides to every story. I've learned that we only share our side so that we can feel validated.

I'm learning that I cannot change what people think of me, even if their thoughts are incorrect or incomplete. I can only change myself, improve my weaknesses, and hope that others will forgive me for my shortcomings.

I'm learning that I can't rely on others, especially men, to make me feel better about myself. I need to deal with my weaknesses on my own and turn them into strengths with the Lord's help (Ether 12:27).

I'm learning that if I love myself, no one else's opinion matters.

I'm learning that we cannot hold people accountable for something if we do not give them a chance to hear the problem and fix it. Dismissing them without giving them a chance to change is unfair.

I'm learning that when I feel like my friendship means more to me than to the other person, or when their loyalty doesn't run as deep as mine, I have made someone else feel that way before.

I'm learning that hurt and anger are never good reasons to say unkind things, and that not knowing or understanding the whole story is a worse reason.

I'm learning to not say unkind things about others, and to also be unwilling to hear them.

I'm learning that blood ties are unbreakable. Your family will always be there and on your side, half the story or not.

I'm learning to be careful not to justify my mistakes. I've definitely made some. Fortunately, those closest and most loyal to me can tell me that, forgive me, and love me still.

I'm learning that maybe the best thing is to just say sorry, even if you deserve the apology more.

I'm learning that life changes quickly. "Pray, work hard, and be patient. Things have a way of working out."

I'm learning that writing everything out is the best way to make my learning permanent.

I'm learning that a Christ-centered life causes everything to balance itself out. That's where I'm headed. To him.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

It's a brand new day...

Things that make me happy today...

Feeling comfortable with and excited about the junior high where I will be spending the next year plus of my life teaching seventh graders!

Seeing the moon over the mountains to the west this morning. It looked so awesome. I wish our eyeballs could take pictures.

My dad--for being encouraging and offering perspective.

My brother Jason--for making me laugh and being supportive.

Yoasis. It is delicious and healthy. May as well keep off the weight that I accidentally lost.

AMAZING weather--clear blue skies and 43°.

Friends and family who love and accept rather than judge and reject.

Fantastic music. Those old rock 'n roll classics that made up my childhood put me in a good place in the morning. As does Joshua Radin.

A good new picture for my new BYU student ID card. Finally. The old picture was indescribably terrible.

Scriptures and prayer.

Several hours straight of confidence and determination.


Edna--She's a grandma, but she's a champ--tell you what.

My ridiculous purchase of a 10 lb bag of Ghirardelli Barista dark chocolate mini chips. Sorry, but I was getting a little tired of paying a dollar for 1 oz. of this topping every time I visited Red Mango.

This may be one of the most ridiculous purchases I have ever made. But guess what? I have no one to spend my money on anymore, and I'm buyin' mahself a huge bag of chocolate chips. What now?

Dog the Bounty Hunter. I know I watch the weirdest shows of anyone I know. But I just enjoy these A&E pleasures so immensely. What would I do without Criss Angel, Dog, or Gene Simmons? Be lonelier, that's what!

My co-workers both on campus and at Blockbuster. They are so awesome, and they make work fun and safe for me. I am so lucky to know all these people.

I am happy that my emotions do not cause me to overeat. Really.

Movies. They take me away and make me feel sane. My own personal therapy.

Spring! It's coming! It's coming! A tan is on the way! So is bowling class and dance class!

The possibility of a No Doubt concert. I shall decide very soon. Very, very soon.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Love is...

Love is bringing each other food--surprise picnics at work.
Love is taking care of someone when they had food poisoning.
Love is not being able to imagine life without someone.
Love is laying on a bean bag, looking into each other's eyes and smiling because there are no words.
Love is clipping someone's toenails.
Love is trying to think of something great to get them for their birthday, Valentine's Day, your anniversary, or Christmas.
Love is not being able to squeeze hard enough.
Love is making photo albums.
Love is emails, letters, cards, and poetry just because.
Love is compromising on which movie to watch.
Love is going on dates even after being engaged.
Love is smelling each other unshowered and seeing each other unappealing and still thinking they smell and look great.
Love is wanting to always be better to make someone happy.
Love is laughing on road trips to stand-up comedy.
Love is inside jokes, phrases, words.
Love is knowing everything about each other and loving the things you don't like.
Love is wishing each other good luck on tests.
Love is helping each other study.
Love is holding someone when they are upset.
Love is buying meals and dessert happily.
Love is still wanting to look good for someone after a year.
Love is being in awe of each other after a year.
Love is ring shopping.
Love is smelling each other's worst farts and then laughing.
Love is holding in your farts to not wake someone up.
Love is knowing how amazing someone is and can be.
Love is kissing at the beach.
Love is staying home from skiing because you'd rather be with someone.
Love is getting up at 5:30 to support someone else in cycling classes.
Love is wondering what you can do or say to surprise them and let them know you love them.
Love is opening the car door.
Love is Sunday dinners with the family.
Love is going on an intimidating hike.
Love is sending a text in the morning to tell them you miss them.
Love is talking on the phone at night before sleeping.
Love is getting yelled at and then forgiving.
Love is wanting to apologize even when it's not your fault.
Love is watching two seasons of Dexter in two weeks.
Love is coming to visit someone in California for New Year's because you missed them.
Love is always taking pictures of someone because you think they're so cute.
Love is being their biggest fan--for singing, writing, teaching, designing, whatever.
Love is trying to have a good 4th of July after fighting--and taking a warm night drive on a scooter to watch fireworks.
Love is riding on a scooter even if it messes up your hair.
Love is wearing their favorite perfume/cologne.
Love is going to Joshua Radin's concerts together--twice--and going and getting ice from the bar for them when they bumped their head on a pole.
Love is going to Hancock and the Dark Knight on opening day.
Love is wanting to hear their voice.
Love is not wanting to kiss anyone else's lips ever again, saying it, and then meaning it.
Love is picking out a bedroom set together.
Love is forgiving someone after they've said and done awful things.
Love is remembering the good times.
Love is not forgetting the good times to make it easier to move on.
Love is hugging.
Love is doing dishes after family dinner.
Love is doing dishes in return for a meal.
Love is helping them clean their room or apartment or car just to be helpful.
Love is Squaw Peak.
Love is having a song.
Love is a Death Cab for Cutie concert.
Love is leaving at 3 AM in the freezing cold when you parked all the way around the corner.
Love is trying new restaurants.
Love is finding coupons.
Love is looking out for something that might help someone--a teaching tool or a coupon website.
Love is sharing music.
Love is fixing their computer.
Love is being excited to see them that night, when you just saw them the night before.
Love is having a McDonald's breakfast before school.
Love is Kneader's or waffles.
Love is buying them four chapsticks because you know they'll lose them.
Love is talking to family.
Love is leaving notes in their drawer.
Love is ending a date early because of a terrible bathroom experience.
Love is going to the dollar theater.
Love is going on a walk in the morning or evening.
Love is talking all about each other's lives before you.
Love is talking all about each other's lives together.
Love is giving each other the benefit of the doubt.
Love is playing ball in the park with some random dog.
Love is holding each other when you've put a pet down.
Love is kissing in the car.
Love is, "I'm your Huckleberry."
Love is leaving picture comments.
Love is writing on their car when it's been snowed on.
Love is going dancing.
Love is laughing instead of getting embarrassed.
Love is sacrificing--time, sleep, games, movies, friends...
Love is going grocery shopping.
Love is flashing the porch light and the car lights three times.
Love is three squeezes.
Love is touching their skin and looking at their eyes.
Love is saying sorry.
Love is changing, molding, improving.
Love is roses and a Build-a-Bear and P.F. Chang's and love letters.
Love is a mouse pad.
Love is having fun taking engagement pictures.
Love is telling each other everything.
Love is having a best friend who would never judge you.
Love is belching really loud and not having to say "excuse me."
Love is lifting each other up.
Love is respect.
Love is being patient even when you've run out of patience.
Love is playing with and babysitting nephews.
Love is sharing pizza.
Love is a spot on the couch.
Love is knocking their poster off of the wall with your galoot arm.
Love is hearing footsteps stomping up the stairs.
Love is supporting and helping.
Love is talking softly.
Love is laughing together.
Love is understanding, or seeking to understand.
Love is knowing each other's greatest strengths and greatest weaknesses, and never using that against them.
Love is not saying something you know will hurt them.
Love is growing.
Love is deserving, earning them.
Love is never taking them for granted.
Love is looking out for things that will interest them--a comet passing by, a planet in the sky...
Love is not being embarrassed by someone's mistakes.
Love is enjoying the same commercials.
Love is going to BYU football games.
Love is eating at Beto's or McDonald's at midnight.
Love is J Dawg's in the summer.
Love is remembering why you love them, even in bad times.
Love is pictures in PhotoBooth.
Love is recording videos of your really low "black person" voice.
Love is making a proposal video.
Love is wandering around the mall and jean shopping.
Love is kissing someone with every feeling you have and never wanting to share it with someone else.
Love is borrowing their jacket.
Love is back scratching and massages.
Love is nicknames.
Love is roller skating.
Love is wandering around Blockbuster trying to pick out a movie with friends.
Love is fixing a flat tire.
Love is talking about the gospel.
Love is laughing at typos and published mistakes.
Love is doing homework together every night.
Love is, "It IS been tested?!"
Love is Easter baskets.
Love is a bunny rabbit.
Love is dinner at Grandma's.
Love is Friday nights with friends or on dates.
Love is not trying to re-make the same memories with someone new.
Love is rinsing out already-clean cups.
Love is kissing after Point Break.
Love is moving their things into your future apartment.

Love is what happens when you know the ins and outs of someone thoroughly. Love is what happens when you want to do nothing but make someone happy. Love is wanting to take care of someone. Love is caring more about someone else than yourself. Love is what happens after every kind of experience over the course of two years.

Love is work.
And love is time.

Love is not easily found in its truest form, in its deepest level.

Love is not replaced quickly.

Love is returned rarely.

Love is hard.
Love is great.

Love is worth working for.

Love is everything.

Love hurts.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


I went private with my blog for a grand total of 14 hours. I am seriously considering going with it permanently. It's only public right now because it's a lot of work to try to email everyone who I want to be allowed to read my blog.

I'm making a disclaimer, though.

My blogs are my feelings, my perspectives, and nothing more. All I know is how I feel and how I see things. If I don't feel it is appropriate for me to discuss why I feel a certain way, then I won't do it. Thus, my last (and now deleted) blog.

I never felt that on my blog I should have to justify my feelings. I don't like feeling like I have no right to feel a certain way. And therefore I don't like feeling like I should censor myself.

I do have a right to feel and think as I do, and if there's one thing I'm learning right now, it's that everyone has a motive or a reason--reasons for thinking, feeling, reacting, and living in certain ways. I think it's easy to forget that--easy to forget to ask "why?"

I prefer to write in a place where I feel safe, where people know me, or where they at least seek to understand me. I don't write to get judged or to have people make assumptions, good or bad.

But... This is the internet. People do that anyway. People don't necessarily want to know why you may have said something or why you may feel a certain way. And of course they won't take the time to ask, if it's easier to assume.

So just a plea before I make any decisions about how private I'm going with this blog... Be kind. Be Christ-like. Don't judge. Love. Ask. Give people the benefit of the doubt. If you read, it's probably because you care, so these things should be automatic, I think.

Thanks for reading, and sorry for upsetting anyone. It is for this reason and my not wanting to self-censor that I may go private on my blog.