Friday, February 3, 2012

Hope You Know, I've Had a Hard Time

- Church -- lots of good talks, a decent Sunday school lesson, and an awesome combined Relief Society/Elders Quorum lesson from a woman who endured the blood diamond massacre in Sierra Leone, Africa. Humbling and amazing
- Laundry
- Skipped dinner at grandma's due to only a quarter tank of gas to last me to Tuesday
- Made oatmeal cookies

- Took a personal day from work
- Slept in
- Went to the gym
- Went to downtown Salt Lake for Sundance's Best of Fest documentary Chasing Ice. (I'd recommend you Google it, James Balog, and the Extreme Ice Survey.) Very compelling and well done.

- Scrambled like crazy to get caught up at work, doing lesson plans, organizing, etc.
- Class from 4:30-7:30 in Orem, doing lesson plans the entire time
- Drove home to Murray, ignoring my prompting to stop and see my grandparents
- Rear ended the car in front of me getting off at my exit (nothing major, don't worry)
- Spent 30 minutes dealing with the claim process
- Went to the gym (got a 9:55 mile, by the way)
- Finished my application to do the Central Utah Writing Project class in the summer. This required a 600 word essay. But I won't have to take the last fall class for my endorsement. This means I won't have to pay $90. This means I will be in class all day every day for three weeks right after school gets out when I'm already exhausted. It will also occur while I need to be moving out of my apartment. It also means that I will get paid $250. Furthermore, it means being done with my reading endorsement in June, which in turn means my salary for the coming year will increase in September instead of January. Lots of pros and cons to the situation.

- Worked like crazy all day again, doing lesson plans, trying to keep my head above water
- Went to the gym till 5:30
- Showered, dressed, and inhaled some food
- Worked on visiting teaching with Kara from 6:30 to 8:30
- Talked with Kara until 8:55

- Received texts from my mom in the morning that Puffy (my grandpa who has been fighting lung cancer for years) wasn't doing well
- Found out that my prescription cost doubled from $20 to $40 even though my insurance went up (so my check went down)
- Tried to explain to my students that I was awaiting some news, not texting a boyfriend
- Received a text around 11:30 AM that he was gone
- Kept myself extremely busy at work with my kids and grading and lesson plans
- Worked until 3:40
- Called my mom
- Finally had a very brief meltdown in my desk chair at work
- Got home at 4:30 or so and cried some more while writing a piece about Puffy
- Changed into pajamas and curled up on my couch
- Talked with Rachel about everything for a while
- Read some of my book for my class (Guinea Pig Scientists)
- Went and got some comfort food from Little Caesar's. Don't judge me.
- Was in bed by 10:30

- Woke up with puffy eyes
- Didn't do my makeup
- Drove to work, fighting back the emotions that were pushing to surface
- Taught my 7th graders about plot, taught my 8th graders some more about persuasive writing
- Got a sweet sympathy card and gift card from my friend Tommie
- Got lots of grading done (just some very brief stuff left to do on Monday), updated the absent packet, updated my class website, planned for the next class periods
- Got a call from my dad updating me on the situation with my brother Jason
- Pushed those emotions and that weight as far down as it could go
- Went to the gym (and kicked ass)
- Got home and wrote this blog

I need to:
- Finish my Guinea Pig Scientists book and do my write-up by Tuesday
- Do my laundry

Oh also, did I mention that somehow I need to find time to
- Get my tires rotated

and find the money to
- Change out my car's transmission fluid (this has been weighing on me for months)
- Replace my brakes
- Register for my Praxis tests (for my level 2 licensure, and for my reading endorsement)

All of this including the next week which is like...

Monday the 6th
- Teach
- Prepare for a substitute (this takes longer than you'd think)
- Possibly attend the viewing (but not look. I don't do viewings)

Tuesday the 7th
- Work out to drown my stress and sadness
- Funeral in Lehi
- Interview for CUWP in Provo at 4:30
- Leave the interview to arrive late to class in Provo
- Possibly go out to eat with someone

Wednesday the 8th
- Work
- Car appraisal for the small bump on Tuesday night
- Work out
- Relief Society visits from 7 to 9

Thursday the 9th
- Work
- Work out

Friday 10th
- Work
- Work out
- Birthday dinner and bowling

I try to be happy with my life and count my blessings and usually am very satisfied. But I guess there are periods of time where your life and the lives of those you love are just really trying. And I feel like if I let myself take a break and let everything sink in, let my guard down even a little, then I will just drown in all of the pain. And drown in my tears. And I just don't have time to do that. There's too much to do.

Too much to get done.

I look at everyone around me and wonder how much more they can take. And I wonder how much more I can take while I watch the people I love hurting and suffering. And I wonder where my faith has gone in this past year, and why I can't find it in me to pray like I need to pray. And I feel guilty that I can't use my faith to buoy up the people around me who need spiritual strength from me.

And on top of the heartache of everything else I've been heartbroken over the same stupid guy thing for like 7 months now.

And maybe choosing not to address any of these things emotionally is what's causing me to grow a plethora of white hair at age 25.

But you know, I can't drown. I'll just push it all away and pretend to be Superwoman.

I just can't quit. No time to cry. Too much to do.

No comments: