November GBOMB

Good

The rallying. After losing my job, the number of coworkers who reached out to me via text or Instagram just to express their dismay was really kind. I felt the love and support so strongly. So many people came out of the woodwork to offer me connections and ideas. I love the way sharing hard and vulnerable moments allows others to support us; it really is an opportunity to connect. 

Haircut. She went two inches shorter than I asked her to, and repeatedly emphasized the importance of the length. I am still not really used to it but feel like I am getting the hang of it, and at least it doesn't take as long to wash or brush, even if I do have to style it more often than I want to. 

Severance. I did get one month of severance plus payout on my scheduled PTO, which my company doesn't normally do. While I wish I hadn't lost my job at all, I'm grateful I don't have to panic financially for a little bit. 

Christmas decorations. We decorated on November 24. As I sit here typing in the dark with the glow of Christmas lights and the tree in my home, I feel such peace. I love it. I love cleaning it up after Christmas and getting my space back, but while it's the season I really enjoy the festive ambiance. 

Neighbors. I'm finding a lot of neighbors in our community to connect with. One particular couple has a daughter a little younger than AJ. We recently swapped childcare for date nights, and plan to in the future. One particular neighbor near the playground adores AJ and even got him a Halloween present in October. I dropped off a lot of holiday cards the other day. It's really lovely to have connected with so many people nearby, all mostly due to having a child. Who knew that would be a perk of becoming a parent? 

Family photos. They're hard to execute, but I'm always glad I did. I love them every year. And Ali is so dang fast at turning them around. 

Shows. Matthew and I have started watching Lost, and we renewed our Max subscription with a Black Friday deal so we can keep watching Doctor Who. It's a good time for us to just be together. 

Bad

Job loss. I mean, what else needs to be said? I've been with the company for 6.5 years, since 2016 (8 years minus 1.5 I left for another job). I've been so grateful for my job and have really enjoyed it. I loved the flexibility, location, my team, and so many other things. I have been through enough crap in life to know that things do happen for a reason, and when one door closes, another one opens. I hope it opens sooner than later. Applying for jobs is very time consuming and mentally exhausting, honestly. 

The election. I'm not even talking about who won or who lost or anything. Just the energy of the whole thing, and how divided everyone is--the way we lump everyone into a group or category and spew all kinds of hateful vitriol at people exercising their right to vote really grosses me out. Like it genuinely disappoints and saddens me. I'm glad the whole ordeal is over. Hopefully all Americans can unite and hope for the best, regardless of whether they like or support Trump. All you can do is hope he does better than you expected. And also write to your local representatives. 

Naps. AJ has been skipping his nap several days a week. Recently he's been making it to bedtime without monstrous meltdowns, but that's hit or miss. If he does nap, I limit it to an hour so that he doesn't wake up too early the next day. That seems to be a happy medium. I can't decide if I'd rather have him sleep later in the morning and not nap, or take a nap and be up earlier. 

Fertility. I'm still spotting five days before each period, which doesn't give an egg adequate time to implant. It's very disheartening, especially when they found nothing visibly wrong with my uterus or fallopian tubes. I want to know what's going on and why this is so hard. 

Car battery. Why does a $250 car expense happen the same week I lose my job? Why do things like that happen? Please bless my washing machine and my fridge. 

On My Brain 

Rest. I struggle to rest. I want to rest "after the weekend cleaning and laundry are done." I want to rest "after I've tidied the house." I want to rest "after I wash my face." I want to rest "after I do my to-do list." I want to rest "after." I want to rest after. I know I need to rest now. And I have strong feelings that I lost my job so that I would learn to rest. But while I am jobless, I feel too anxious to rest. So it feels very counterproductive. And now I wish I would've done a better job resting when I had the peace of mind of employment. I don't know. I just feel like rest is a lesson I need to learn, and I'm struggling with it. Will I ever not struggle with it? 

Christmas/costs. We've saved money. And I got a small severance. So we are "fine." But so much of me just wants to be cautious and keep Christmas spending low. I also have barely put any thought into what gifts to give to just about everyone; it's definitely taken a back seat since 11/19. 

Breadwinning. I never wanted to be the breadwinner in my home. I never wanted the pressure of providing for everyone. Losing my job has made me even more aware of that, and increased my desire to be free of the responsibility. It comes with a lot of big feelings, and this probably isn't the place. But it is on my brain. 

Intuition. I had a lot of feelings before I lost my job. Many weeks ago, I had the thought, something my dad has reminded me of many times, "They will make it without you." I was thinking about how though I believed my role as training coordinator mattered and my work was making a difference, if the powers that be can't see a visible ROI, they can let me go. It was a vulnerable thought to have, and it just made me want to be sure I was providing value. I let the thought go, reassured by my security and general favor at work. The morning of 11/19, I was in the shower thinking, "My life won't ever be easier than it is right now. We are healthy. We have a home. We have steady jobs. We have only one kid to worry about. I'd be excited to be pregnant again, but I also know I'm just adding challenge to my life by doing that." It actually was a moment of gratitude where I was immensely appreciative of the steadiness of my life. Later that morning, I was working on a companywide initiative called Hedgehog Huddles, and I had the thought that I needed a break--a legitimate break. Not a day off. Not a week off. A legitimate life break. It was just a thought, and I let it pass as I let all others pass. Within an hour, I lost my job. All these thoughts of the previous weeks and earlier in the morning came back to me. I was absolutely dumbfounded but also somehow prepared for it. I've noticed I have very strong gut feelings but also have a pattern of dismissing them. I really want to work on noticing and respecting my feelings. In this case, I'm really grateful for all these thoughts I had. 

As for this year's goals... we have one month left in the year. Wild. I feel OK about how I've been doing. 

-I'm still going strong on my daily gratitude and breathing practice. 

-We've visited a new restaurant each month on average. 

-AJ and I did zero hikes and probably won't now that it's December. 

-I've done a decent job of reading paperbacks, but my October book didn't get finished until halfway through November. It's been hard to do with TTC. Renewing this commitment today as I have two books waiting on my nightstand, and December 1 is here. 

-Matthew and I have not been good about check ins. 

-We did go on a date in November, to Sol Agave. And there will be more now that we've found a couple on our street to swap babysitting date nights!