Forever Falling Short

When you stop writing regularly, it’s hard to know where to start. I have lived in my condo for about 10 months now, and I haven’t even written about the process of buying it, cleaning it, moving in, fixing it up, or any of that stuff. And buying your first home is sort of, you know, a milestone?

I guess right now I need to write because I have a lot to be grateful for. Last Monday, I got a job at 24 Hour Fitness—doing a practice initial session with the fitness manager, and then interviewing with the club manager. My background check went through on Friday, and my employee number came through today. So I finally get to start tomorrow.

Last Wednesday, June 8 at 10 AM, I had a finalist interview with the CEO, President, and CFO of a local company. They had told me they were trying to build up a pool of final candidates. I thought there were at least a few people in the running. But later that day, I received a call offering me the position as executive assistant to these three gentlemen. I excitedly accepted the offer. It will be a great job--one where I get to put my best skills to use, and where teenage hormones are not a part of my day.

That night, on my “On This Day” memories in Facebook, I saw that I had been offered the job at Thomas Jefferson Junior High on the same day six years prior. That was a really cool full circle moment.

I went in on June 9 to resign my position at Jefferson.

I worked really hard on my resume for the position I received. I completely recreated it from scratch per my cousin’s suggestion.

I also worked really hard on my personal training certification since January, and consider it a huge blessing that I passed the test.

I’ve worked really hard in general to chase after the things I want.

I’ve felt beyond blessed lately as I look at all of these things falling into place—all of these changes that I’ve worked toward and wanted so badly so that I could leave the classroom confidently. I am so grateful for how everything has worked out.

And then…
- I make another mistake after having worked really hard to make everything right.
- I almost hit someone on the road on 900 east today in trying to get over to the right lane (I checked my mirror and honestly didn’t see her—complete accident—thankfully she saw me)

and that got me into a downward spiral of guilt, and then…
- I think about the things I’ve said, especially about others, either jokingly or in frustration, and how those things don’t line up with the person I want to be.
- I think about the motorcyclist in front of me last week who flipped me off, even though I hadn’t meant to do anything to upset him. I still am not sure why he was so mad, but I feel bad still.
- I think about the guy in the crosswalk six months ago who I didn’t see in the dark who yelled the F word at me. I honestly didn’t see him.
- I think of the grape tomatoes that spilled all over near the checkout stand at Smith’s, and how I should’ve stayed to clean them up because the cashier was so, so busy (I apologized the next time I saw him, by the way).
- I think of the people who I may have disappointed or hurt or frustrated unintentionally.
- I think of the things I get frustrated with in others (particularly roommates) and how at one point I didn’t know the things I know now (I put a chicken carcass in the kitchen trash instead of taking it to the dumpster and stunk up the apartment—duh, Janae!).

And it goes on and on and on—back to things I still feel bad about that I did as a teenager.

One thing I think is strongly relevant to this internal dialogue is that I consider myself to be an extremely considerate person. So when I do things that are inconsiderate or that have inconvenienced or hurt others, I feel horribly guilty. For example, I see people on the road who are about to miss their turn. Rather than continuing forward and turning around somewhere else, they decide to stop traffic so they can get over to make that last-second turn. The fact that this person has now inconvenienced a lot of people rather than figuring out another way to solve the problem just blows my mind.

There are some downsides to my conscientiousness.
1. I get extremely frustrated by and impatient with others who are not as considerate. I can’t imagine making other people suffer for my own errors. So then I make jokes or comments about their idiocy or how they’ve annoyed me. Then I feel like a jerk later. Like now.
2. When I make mistakes that put someone out in some way, even by total accident, I feel awful about them for days, weeks, months, and years (see the list above).

I am not sure what to do about the guilt that I feel about things that happened years ago. Does anyone have tips for the chronically guilty? I want counseling to be free.

All I know is that today I feel kind of worthless, and very undeserving of all of the good things that have been happening in my life. It’s like I get all of these blessings and then turn around and be an idiot again, and it feels a little like slapping my Father in Heaven in the face. And I feel like some kind of fraud for all of the good things people might think of me—like I’ve deceived or tricked people in some way, to think I’m better than I really am. Like if they really knew me, they wouldn’t like me or respect me.

The logical part of my mind tells me that I am trying. I am trying really hard. And I will always come up short because I am human. I have worth, even when I make mistakes. I remind myself that Heavenly Father rewards effort. But the other part of me is winning today—the part that says I am undeserving, and I can be so much better, do so much better.

So which side wins? The side I feed. I need to tell myself that I am the person I want to be. I am a kind person, a generous person, a person with integrity, a person who inspires and leads—and then I will become those things. With a little effort and a lot of grace, I will become those things.