To the Singles: I See You

Last night, I was going back in time in my journal to see the history of Janae and Matthew. It was January 23 when I sent a meme to him, trying to reopen conversation that had halted in the summer of 2018.

I was flipping through and came to my entry on Sunday, January 27, just five days after my breakup of my previous relationship.

Here’s a picture of what I wrote in my journal. Apologies for the sloppy handwriting.

Here’s the deal.

I had a boyfriend for all of high school: summer of 2001 to Christmas 2004. He cheated on me I believe three times. It involved a lot of lies and a lot of sneaky behavior. I was wrecked and lost around 15 pounds from not eating. It was the most painful heartbreak of my life, and it happened when I was 17. Do you know how much more I would’ve cried if someone had told me I wouldn’t be married until after age 32?

Buckle up, young Janae. You got a lot of heartbreak left.

After that, I dated a boy for a few months before his mission. He was a good dude, but I had no intentions of waiting. He dated an ex of his after he got home.

In June 2005, I went on an alternate prom date with a man who was 10 years older than me. We met online. He came to visit from Portland. To this day, he’s one of the best guys I ever dated. We were together until early 2006, if I remember correctly. (This is why you need to keep a daily journal, friends! Even a sentence a day would be helpful and useful.) It was a really hard breakup, but it needed to happen because he wanted things I wasn’t ready for at age 19. I couldn’t take up more of his time.

After that, I got into a relationship with a boy on the other side of the country. He came to visit me in CA over a winter break. We went to Universal Studios and Warner Bros and did other fun CA things a kid from Maine would want to do. We spent tons of time talking and Skyping; we even watched movies together with me in Utah and him in Massachusetts (at school).

In spring 2007, I started hanging around a new group of people. I had some flirtations going on with one of the guys in the group. And the kid from Maine wasn’t handling it well. Craziness and threats ensued, and that situation ended pretty terribly.

In July 2007, the flirtations had advanced, and I started dating the person who would become my first fiancée in April 2008. We struggled to get a temple date and ended up breaking things off a few months later. But then we were off and on again for several more months until spring of 2009, if I’m not mistaken. I need to disclaim: I’m leaving out a lot of very painful moments and details. I’m giving a very brief summary of my life, but suffice it to say that I was madly in love with this guy. It was extremely difficult to make the break: we were in a limbo state, he was seeing someone else while still seeing me, and when I found out I didn’t handle it well at all. This whole thing shattered me, needless to say. And I was only 21.

Still 11 years to go, young lass. Hang in there.

In 2009, I wrapped myself up in teaching middle school in Provo for my internship. I don’t know that a lot of dating happened in that time. But once again, KEEP A JOURNAL because when you’re 32 and your brain is broken and can’t remember things you will be happy you have the information!

I started teaching middle school in Kearns in 2010. I had also started talking to a corrections officer in California via a dating app. He invested a lot of time and effort in getting to know me. He called often, and we would Skype. We had considerable drama. We were off and on for quite a long time. I was also madly in love with this one. He was the last person I truly, madly, deeply loved for another few years.

In the turmoil and lack of clarity of that relationship, I still went on other dates. I dated one guy casually in the spring of 2011, and then another one for a few months in summer up to Christmas 2011. I even went to his work Christmas party. But that corrections officer was always looming in the background. He’d resurface, apologize, tell me he loved me, send me flowers, and promise things would be different.

But they never were. I finally got tired of his crap and decided to try to move on. He hurt me so bad I eventually sent him a six page (maybe longer?) letter explaining all the things he had done to hurt me. So I just talked to guys and went on dates, and had a series of doozies in between.

The corrections officer won't be the last to wreck you, Janae. 

In summer 2012, I met my second fiancée. We had a very slow start. A couple months after we met and went out, he moved to Delaware for work. Things got progressively more serious after a point where I told him I wasn’t one of those girls he could text when he got lonely at midnight. He invested a lot of time and effort. I went to visit him in July 2013 and in August 2013. We went to Baltimore, NYC, Philadelphia, and Washington, D.C. He moved back in the fall of 2013, not without a bit of truth disclosing on his part that resulted in some drama. But I gave him another chance. We dated all of 2014, and he proposed on May 10, 2015 (5-10-15. That’s why I remember that). We had plans to marry in August 2015, but the day after I sent out announcements, I found out he had been having some kind of online/phone relationship with a woman in Idaho who had found me and reached out to me. He and I were off and on until July 2018. In all, I invested about five years there, for someone I eventually decided was [never going to be able] to give me what I wanted and needed. We made a clean break last July and have touched base via text a couple of times since.

And that was that. I was 31, engaged twice, never married, and done hoping. You think you find a good one, but then your world falls apart.

I could go in a hundred different directions with this story. I could tell you how I became really bitter, frustrated, and a little angry with God for not delivering on certain promises even though I was doing my damnedest to keep up my end of the deal.

I read self-help. I tried to find hope. I tried to erase the “false stories” was telling myself, per Jen Sincero’s instructions. I kept putting myself out there—kept trying to date.

From September 2018 to January 2019, I dated the guy you saw all over my blog during those months. He was respectful and kind and consistent. He was emotionally distant. He didn’t want much to do with an intentional relationship—didn’t want to have open or deep conversations about our relationship or any serious topics, really. Self-help wasn’t his jam. Conversations weren’t his jam. I knew these things and wasn’t sure I saw a future with him—at least not the kind I wanted and felt I deserved. He was a good guy, just not right for me. Realizing he couldn’t give me what I wanted and needed, he broke things off on January 22, 2019, right before my 32nd birthday, and Valentine’s Day. It was hard. I shed quite a few tears, felt lonely, and had grown attached over recent months, even though I wasn’t optimistic about our future.

After all this, and so many details I didn’t share in between, so many horrifying experiences, so much awful heartbreak, can you see why I’d ask all those questions in my journal on January 27 this year?

While dating and while in between all these guys, there’s one thing I did that I think is incredibly important—maybe the most important: I worked on myself.

I worked on being deserving of the caliber of person I wanted to end up with. I’ve worked on myself, setting and achieving financial, physical, mental, spiritual, and relationship goals. I’ve continued to learn about a variety of things. I own a home.

The problem with this is that by 32, you don’t technically need anyone. So anyone who comes into your life needs to have something to add to it. I have worked to be a whole, complete, happy person on my own. So wanting more than mediocre in my relationships was a result of my lifestyle.

And I’m very sorry for any men who feel personally attacked (if you do, I guess this is for you) by this, but there are just not a lot of men on my level—at least not in Utah, and not at church. And I don’t mean this as an egotistical statement. This same thing applies to most of the women I know. I know amazing, beautiful, intelligent, self-sufficient, spiritual women.

And where are the men?

At home with mom and dad? No degree? No assertiveness? No drive or direction? Floating around? Trying to decide whether to finish school or not? This has been my experience and the experience of most of my female friends. There seems to be a pattern of women who are making excuses for and settling on men, or women who are single late in life because they refuse to settle.

I mean, if men are willing to step up their game, if they feel inspired by a woman they date, that is certainly not a bad thing. Bless the patient women! I do wish that more men didn’t have so much catching up to do, and so it goes.

For real though: I get it. Ladies, I’ve been through the ringer. Through. It. 

I’ve sat and had countless conversations that go like this:

“Where are they? Where are the good, hardworking, honest men? Are there good, hardworking, honest men who also are working on themselves, who take care of their health, who aren’t awkward, and who are attractive?”

I’ll be honest, I still don’t see the number of quality men matching up to quality women.

The point of all this is just to say this to all the single ladies: I understand. I understand the heartbreak, the frustration, the hopelessness, the exhaustion, the loneliness. I understand it. 

I see you.

The only advice I have is this: keep doing you. Keep taking care of yourself, so you’re the happiest and wholest (that’s a word today) version of yourself, by yourself.

Someday, a man might come along, drive in a snow storm to see a movie with you, and the next night sit and talk with you in his car for over four hours, and have a light bulb moment where he sees what is in front of him, and will chase you with an assertiveness you’ve never seen.

And that list you wrote in your journal about whether you’re asking too much? He’ll check off all of those things, and do it gladly, because he knows and values what he has.

He will bring you flowers.

He will tell you why he likes you and misses you, and give you words.

He will ask you on dates.

He will open doors.

He will call you on days he doesn’t see you (and sometimes on days he does!).

He will want to see you 3-4 or more nights per week.

He will give you the best, most insightful conversations of your life.

He will want to and work hard to give you all he can, and all you want and need.

He will bring up problems and serious topics more readily than you.

He will work in steps to take care of his health, and will be willing to learn from you.

He will have already done a lot of work on himself and his flaws, and will continue to consciously do so.

He will be consistent in his communication with you.

He will make sure you know you are not just his priority, but his reason.

And the reason a “man who treats you well enough” isn’t enough for you is that you’ll find someone who treats you better than you might deserve at your worst moments.

And it isn’t enough to know they care because someday someone will be happy to tell you how he feels, and do so often.

And two nights a week doesn’t have to be enough when he wants to see you too.

Don’t lower your expectations. Maybe things would be “easier,” but you will not be happier.

This post is coming at you from a happy, healthy relationship of equals—a relationship with a solid and bright future. I’m humbly recognizing the blessings I’ve been given that I’ve worked and waited so impatiently for. I’m humbled to look back at my January heartache in my journal to see that I’ve found someone who fills in all the spaces and checks all the boxes, and meets my needs in ways I never expected.

And sadly, maybe some of you won’t find what I’ve found in this lifetime. It’s not that you’re any less deserving. It actually is probably the opposite (get it together, dudes!). I just need you to know that I see you, single friends. I see you.

I really do think that as you keep working on yourself, and living your life in the way that makes you happy and fulfilled, finding a partner will just be an added bonus in your already awesome life. Don’t pass the time or “wait” for someone to come along. Live your best life. Enjoy every day. Keep an open heart and a strong back. You might feel an occasional sting of emptiness—an occasional lack where a partner would add fulfillment. And you can be sad. But then you’ll remember you deserve so much more, and you’ll lift your chin up and get back to living life the best way you know how.

My love to all of you, and to the man who stepped forward when I was sure I’d be alone forever. I love you for being exactly who I need: you.