January GBOMB?

My friend Danica used to do these GBOMB (good, bad, on my brain) posts on her blog. I loved them, but I was thinking earlier this week about how she hadn't posted one in a while. And I was thinking maybe I should start doing them instead of a daily recap, which is fine, but I feel like "how we're doing" is probably going to matter more than "what we're doing," years down the road. I don't have much leisure time to write, I feel. My brain is always going. My evenings are monotonous and tedious, and all I want to do is veg out. But I know I do better as a whole person when I reflect and write. 

So after doing my January post, I think maybe I should write my own GBOMB. We'll see how good this is, since my baby will likely wake up in 30 minutes. 

Good

• I finally did my EverlyWell Food sensitivity test that Matthew got me for Christmas of 2021. It took me a year and two months because I thought doing it while pregnant didn't sound like a good idea. It came back with 5 moderate and 40 mild reactivity foods. Wheat, spelt, pistachio, milk, and yogurt with moderate reactions. How oddly specific (like, not ice cream, or cottage cheese?). I did feel better when I cut out most dairy for a long time, but lattes! :( I also want to try raw milk and feel like that probably would be processed a whole lot better by my bod. 
• Lifting. I always want to get three weight lifting sessions in per week because it makes me feel strong and good. I've given myself a lot of grace in how this might look as I typically do my workouts with a mobile baby crawling everywhere, and some nights are too rough for me to consider lifting. So I embrace the season I'm in but also try to do what I love when I can. 
• There's a lot of "mental load" talk in our house. Matthew tries to understand the mental load I carry, and tries to take things off my plate. I don't think a partnership can ever be equal, but I am grateful to have a partner who makes an effort to share the load. And I'm grateful he holds space for me and sees when I am struggling. All I ever wanted was an emotionally intelligent partner; it was a long wait, but I found it. 
• I got to go to a Yelp event on Monday decorating strawberries. A former student of mine co-owns Dipped Haus with her mom, and she said hello and remembered being in my class. It was a sweet moment for me. I loved getting to chat with a couple of other moms next to me, and loved hearing their stories. 
• I got a TON of audiobooks read in January. I loved it and needed it. 
• I love my Fridays off. They help me stay grounded and get errands done, as well as having a day to just enjoy my baby. 
• Baby's developments. It is so fun to watch him learn new things like standing and crawling. I love when he babbles and grunts. His smile lights up my life. 
• My breastmilk ring. I love it. 
• WE ARE STILL NURSING. Holy cow I did so much work just to be able to confidently breastfeed my kid just ONE time a day. It happens every morning, and I figured out if I take magnesium/calcium during my monthlies, he will still nurse (he previously refused). I'm so grateful to still be able to nurse him just once a day!

Bad

• My phone. I just mindlessly scroll WAY too much of the time. I want to be better in the evenings at putting my phone away and being with my boys. I only get 1.5-2 hours with my baby after work before bedtime. I want to be present with him. 
• I feel like I never know what is wrong with my kid. We seem to have a few really bad nights every couple of weeks. It wipes us out. Is it teething? Is it gas? Is it something else? He's inconsolable. And if there's any upside to sleep training, it's that it tells me something is wrong when he has a bad night. But I feel helpless, and we can't sleep through it. It's just hard. 
• I want to go outside. It's either too damn cold for me to want to bundle up the baby, or the air quality is bad, or both. I am a spring season human. This season makes me appreciate spring more. But does it have to be so long? 
• Switching insurance and having to find new providers. Plus, my thyroid meds got increased this past week after a blood test. That's after I had them taken down less than three months ago. I want to go to an endocrinologist and want to learn more about the thyroid, and what good levels look like beyond TSH. I'm in a group for it, and they use a book called Stop the Thyroid Madness as their foundation. I just haven't read it yet and really want to. 
• My damn sinus. It's been over three years of having to blow my nose all day every day. It got a little bit better for a second, but is about the same as always now, with a little more urgency when the need for a tissue strikes. I'm just tired of it, and tired of feeling like I'll never feel better. 
• Being in the middle floor condo. I am SO DONE living underneath (and above) people. Toilet seats dropping. Kids running and stomping. Doors slamming. Adults with disabilities yelling. My mental health is seriously struggling because of it. But we need a consistent second income to get a new place (and not sure if you've noticed, but this housing market is the worst it's been in decades). 

On My Brain

• I feel like I am struggling to find my footing in motherhood. I take it a day at a time, but mostly feel like my face is barely above water. I'm giving myself some grace, especially as my breastfeeding journey has been particularly challenging, and I'm now at a point I think I can make it to a year. 
• Career change. There's an opportunity within my company internally I am thinking about, and that my boss is particularly excited about. I'm both excited and overwhelmed by it. It's more up my alley of passions and skills. But it's a whole new position, and would be demanding in very different ways. 
• Tools in the toolbox. I'm always thinking a lot about labor and breastfeeding (still really want to become a doula). There are so many different scenarios to prepare for, and I am wishing I had prepared more thoroughly for breastfeeding and for a hospital transfer in labor. So much more to learn the next time around. But so many ways I can help save other moms some struggle. 
• Sleep training lets us sleep at night, and I love that. But it also makes me feel stressed during the day with outings and naps and not having any evening freedom. I was driving home the other night and just wished I could go see a movie in the evening. I knew those days would pretty much be gone after having a baby, so I was prepared. But I still miss just doing what I want and need to do sometimes. 
• These are the good old days. I think about this almost every day. This season of life has its challenges (see the last "bad" bullet above), but I know we will look back on this time and miss it. I take photos often and hang onto moments the best I can as they slip away. I can't stop time and wish that I could. 
• When to start trying for another baby. I'm so tired and still feel like I have no routine or rhythm or idea what I am doing. But I also feel like my window is much tighter than other parents, having had my first child at 35. Will having two under two kill me? Should we wait and space them more? How hard should we "try" when we decide to? Who knows? 
• I have imposter syndrome about breastfeeding. I pump 5 times a day, and only get drops--usually just enough to make one bottle and then an ounce or so of milk to give him at night time (extra melatonin). It's a lot of effort for a very small return on my investment, but I still struggle to call myself a breastfeeding mom, even after all I've been through and knowing that my body has done and is doing its best. I still somehow just feel like I'm a failure and haven't been able to feed my baby. My heart hurts over it, and I'm trying to do affirmations and give myself grace and accept my journey, but this has done a number on me if I'm being honest. 
• Sunlight. I need it. Baby needs it. But the sun still isn't up in the morning by the time I get to work. Then it's basically dark when I get home. I am just struggling to make it happen, but I need to even if it's just on weekends! 
• Laughter, comedy, meditation, and music. Things I feel I need more of in my life, just to feel better and happier over all. Who has the time? (I will have 2.5 extra hours after I decide to quit breastfeeding!)

I did this blog in 40 minutes and probably have more I could add, but I need to go wake up my kid so he can have a normal bedtime tonight. We're all happier with a sleep schedule, right? (Right??)