March GBOMB

Honestly, I'm really glad I started doing these. They're cathartic for me and help me see how much I'm thinking about all the time. 

Good 

I got a new position at work as training coordinator. It’s a good move financially. I’m also having serious imposter syndrome and am overwhelmed. So maybe this should go in the “on my brain” section. But I guess I know this is a good thing even if it’s daunting. It will give me some teaching opportunities, which I’m excited for. 

AJ started taking steps at the end of March. He’s also clapping and trying to start waving. It’s so fun to watch him learn, but so sad too. The days are long, but the years are short. 

We have been weaning a bottle a week. Tomorrow 4/3 we will take away another bottle and be down to two a day! This saves so much time and energy as I don’t have to scramble for breastmilk, make as many bottles in the evening, or wash as many each day. He loves solids and purées, and I’m glad at the timing of this to be done or almost done with bottles by his first birthday. 

Adult interaction. I met some Precision Nutrition coaches at Gourmandise at the beginning of the month. I got together with my friend Kirsten. It’s just nice to get away for chunks of time and connect with adults, especially women.

Meal prep. I’ve been doing it consistently on Sundays for a few weeks. I’ve never liked meal prepping, but having breakfasts for me and AJ helps so much. I make an egg bake, banana oat muffins, and boiled eggs (for AJ). I’ve also been making myself lunches (usually teriyaki chicken) because soup has been making me sad. 

Ted Lasso. It just makes me so dang happy. 

Buy nothing groups. I got so many purées for AJ this month from my local group. Saved me so much money. Also so so helpful for off loading things quickly. 

Teaching. I led some professional development discussions at work, and felt really good about it. It was so good to be back in teacher mode. 

Duo Lingo. It’s been fun to jump back into Spanish. 

Doula training this month. I’ve been reading my book and listening to podcasts. I also have articles I need to read. I’m feeling overwhelmed but excited. 

Bad

AJ keeps waking up before 6. Honestly 6:00 is fine. And even 5:45 gives us a little wiggle room in the morning. But I can’t figure out if he’s getting too much daytime sleep or not enough since it’s an ongoing struggle. I often don’t get to bed until 11:00 for a multitude of reasons. It’s hard, and I just want to sleep until 8am one time. 

Nursing strike. AJ had a week or so where he would only nurse for a few minutes, sometimes only on one side, and one time not at all. I tried not to panic and am happy to say we pulled through and are still nursing. But it was a doozy. 

This was just a super emotional month for me. Almost getting T boned on my way back to work, the nursing strike, the cat clawing the baby’s face, me trying to make the right choice as his mom on if or how to address it, and the shitty lady who took free formula and turned around to sell it, all just was a lot for me. I’m emotional and tense and haven’t had a genuinely good cry about all of it.

Illness. AJ had a cold the last week of March. It seemed like allergies and wasn’t serious but was still sad. He was so whiny and sad and needy, and meeting his needs while working from home was really hard. Thankfully he’s feeling better now and is back to his happy independent self. 

Postpartum periods. Seriously they are rough. This month mine was super short, but I had one incredibly bad and hard day. These are so much harder than my periods have ever been. 

One upping. Why can’t my “tired” be valid? Why do we feel the need to message someone and let them know how our suffering is worse than theirs? Whether it’s insomnia or kids who don’t sleep through the night or whatever else. Why can’t my one baby be a struggle for me right now just because you have 2 or 3 or 4 kids? We all have different struggles in life. They’re all valid. We all have different capacities, and we grow to meet the challenges. Compassion is just the better way. I hope when I am a mom of two or three I can still have compassion for the mom adjusting to life with one. 

On My Brain

(*Edit on June 2* I understand better than most people that our word choice matters. I also understand that gentle education is the best approach, and that people rarely change their mind on things. I don't think that was the purpose of my rant--only that we continue to carry on a terrible custom and at the same time protect it with a medical sounding name, instead of calling a spade a spade. I stand by my thoughts and feelings below as valid, although I know they're not helpful to the conversation if I'm trying to change someone's mind.)

Circumcision aka genital mutilation. The more I learn, the more strongly I feel about it. And it’s hard because I want to keep learning, but it also breaks my heart. And it’s such a weirdly sensitive topic in America. I’m getting less concerned with stepping on parents’ toes, and more concerned with saving baby boys from the unnecessary trauma of removing a functional body part for cosmetic reasons. I don’t know how this got so engrained without even any religious beliefs or valid medical reasons to keep it so embedded (Kellogg, really?). But I hate it and want it to go away, and wish more Americans would question it and wish more doctors would speak out against it (do no harm, anyone?). Why are we outraged about female genital mutilation in other countries, but not about male genital mutilation here? How can you say babies don’t feel it, and how can you know their body forgets it? Why do we call it “circumcision” to protect people’s feelings? Why is it cut men who defend it the most? Why can’t people question their own biases and “arguments” and look at the data? How can we say we stand for body autonomy but don’t stand up for baby boys without a voice? I can’t process it. My heart can’t handle it. It needs to stop. 

PS if you do want to question your programming, start with Elephant in the Hospital on YouTube.

PPS if you are a friend who has circumcised their son, please know I love you and think highly of you. I know we all do what we think is best with the information that we have. This was a brain dump and not an attack on anybody. (But if you did feel attacked I would encourage you to explore that.)

Health. I keep learning more about all these things that are considered toxic or dangerous but are just part of every day life. Plastic. Detergents. How do we get away from it all? How did we get here? 

Still thinking about weaning. We have 16 more days until I’ve made it a year producing my drops. Still unsure how quickly I want to drop pumps and if I’ll still be able to nurse after doing so. Just don’t know what it will look like and am equally excited and anxious. 

Confirmation bias. We find the things and people that confirm our beliefs and opinions. Why not step back and examine why something rubs you the wrong way? If you sincerely curiously explore it and come out the other side still having your opinion, awesome. But what is to be lost by just asking “what if” you’re wrong? Abortion. Gun control. Other hot button topics. Step back and try to look at it how your polar opposite does. I try to do this often—see my first paragraph in this section. 

Yellowstone. Just really want it to come back on. 

Our medical system. I am so jaded. I can’t believe how quickly skills are lost (intact care, vaginal breech birth), how many things are done (particularly in pregnancy and labor) that aren’t evidence based, how worthy things don’t get researched or implemented because there’s no money in it, how doctors don’t have the time or energy to care for the whole person (e.g. my OB telling me that I’ve been reading too many blogs when I asked about pelvic floor physical therapy), and how siloed everything is. I just am wary of medical professionals and so tired of the way things are. 

Saving. For a car or for a home or for both. I just can’t decide what the bigger priority is. I do want to move though, that’s for sure. 

Spring cleaning. Just feeling the urge to purge and organize and minimize. A 1200 square foot condo doesn’t help this struggle. My home feels cluttered, and yet I feel like I don’t have a place for things I want to put away. 

Home improvements. I want new carpet/flooring. I want to paint my cabinets. I want a cuter home. But the work and the money of it all are outweighing my desire.