April GBOMB

Good

Pumping. On April 23 I dropped from five pumps (2+ hours pumping) to four. On April 30 I dropped from four pumps to three (about 90 min). AJ continued to nurse through four pumps. I'm interested to see what happens this week with three pumps, I just so badly want to know when our last nursing session is. We could have our last one, and he could refuse the next day, and I wouldn't have known it was our last. It's exciting to have so much time freed up, but is also a big source of anxiety. It is hard to explain, and I think only pumping moms fully get it. Breastfeeding moms of all kinds understand the bittersweet of weaning. But the anxiety of not pumping is so weird too. 

Bedtime. AJ is in bed by 7:30 most nights. It gives me time to get ready for bed and wrap up, straighten up, do dishes, and more. I miss him while he sleeps (as all moms can attest), but his schedule is so helpful for my mental health. 

Alternative medicine. AJ's ears have been a wreck since the Saturday we got back from CA. Matthew put colloidal silver in his ears a couple times a day, and he's doing much better. (The doctor didn't want to do antibiotics, thankfully. So I am glad the silver has helped him!)

Doula training. It was just so fun to be in a room with women who share this passion for birth and for women's choices. I love to learn, and I felt so comfortable and in my element being back in a classroom. It was a doozy only having Sunday off, though. I still haven't recovered. 

Electricity. Having it go out on April 18 was rough. I rely so much on electricity. A modern miracle I try not to take for granted. 

TSA Pre-check. So nice only spending 5 minutes in security. Our whole first flight with the baby was a breeze. AJ did SO well, on the shuttle, in the plane, and just in general. He was such a trooper. 

Coupons. I use digital coupons and Smith's mailed coupons religiously at the store. I've been able to keep our grocery trips more manageable this way. 

Sunshine. The weather lately truly is doing my heart so much good. 

Bad

Busyness at work. Like, I cannot get any traction. My list grows every day, and small items get piled on top of an already long list. Training a person, no matter how adept they are, takes SO much time in this particular role. Every workday lately just feels like a lot. 

Medicalization of birth. I am grateful we have interventions available for emergencies. I just wish the medicalization of birth didn't CREATE so many emergencies. I want better for women. I want doctors to learn and embrace physiological birth. 

My phone. I need to figure out some kind of fast or detox from it. 

Allergies. I cannot figure out if I'm sick or have allergies or what. But I'm tired of having sinus issues constantly (since 12/9/2019), and then having them get worse at random times each month.

Commentary. People commenting on the way we manage AJ's sleep and how we navigate events. It's frustrating and obnoxious. We do things in a way that works for us, so I could do without the feedback, frankly. 

Postpartum body. I don't mean this in the way it probably comes across. I am grateful for my body and all it has done. I'm even comfortable in it, mostly. But all my clothes fit so strangely. I feel like I have nothing to wear. It does not make me feel my best. I just want to feel comfortable and like my clothes are flattering. 

On My Brain

Marriage. Lots of great advice was given to Matthew's niece at her personal shower while we were in CA. I should have been taking better notes. A couple of women talked about the importance of going to bed together or at least lying down together at night, to catch up on the day and connect. It's something I want to do better at with Matthew. 

Work. I really don't want to be working for all the early years of my kids' lives. I never wanted that, and thought that getting married a little older might make it more likely that I could be home with my babies. It's looking more like that's not going to be the case. I'll have to figure out how to make peace with it, because I don't see it changing in the next 4-6 years, which is when I want to be home (now). Just something I think a lot about and struggle with. 

Doula work. I would love to jump in and implement what I learned, to help birthing families. I have such bad imposter syndrome with this and everything else in my life. Also it's hard to jump into this work when you have a full-time job and can't really be on call for someone's labor. A fellow doula recommended being a backup specifically on weekends. I'm rolling that around a little bit. 

Downtime. Getting 2.5 hours of my day back is going to be a huge shift. I already almost don't know what to do with myself, which causes me even more anxiety. I also want to come up with a plan to get back in the gym or back on the pavement, which means I'll need Matthew to start taking some mornings. I've exclusively handled the mornings with the baby by myself basically since going back to work. So I think a lot about what I want mornings to look like, and what would make my mornings easier. Can't believe how much easier it already feels not pumping at 7:30 while AJ has breakfast. 

Ageing. Lots of white hairs are on my head and have been for a while. I have never cared enough about my hair to dye it regularly or even cut it regularly. I want to do something to embrace the white but am not sure when the time is right since I still have a lot of dark hair. It makes a transition to more white kind of hard to navigate. 

Development. I still have so much to learn in helping AJ with motor skills and language. So many things I want to learn and do better. I think about it a lot. I know he's doing OK, but I just want to do more for him, make his room more Montessori style, etc. But I just feel very limited by our space.