August GBOMB

Good

AJ. Always AJ. I feel like he learns a new word or two every day. He's so funny, like socially funny. He's such a trooper in all the ways--on walks, on errands, when his grandmas are watching him. He laughs so often. He's giving these tight hugs lately, with his arm wrapped around our neck. He squeezes, and I never let go first.

Work. It's not as consistent as I would like, just because of the nature of needing to be trained before I can create trainings. But things come together, and everyone is really happy with it, which is so satisfying to me.

Mornings. Matthew has agreed to take the monitor and the morning twice a week so I can run or do whatever. Of course AJ slept later for him both times this past week. (we had a solid three weeks of him waking up around 5:30 for me). But it was nice to get out for a run.

Running. I ran on August 31 and August 26. I am not fast. I am way slower than I have been in many years. But just trying to enjoy the process and be patient with my body 

The pool. We've been a lot this summer, which is so fun since we only went twice last summer.

Hard conversations. I don't love to have them. But I like when they're done, and it feels helpful and productive. 

Peaches. The best thing about August. 

Bad

Eliminating foods. The message I keep getting from the universe is that to feel better I have to make some dietary changes. I could write a whole post about this on its own. Everyone knows that I am not one for eliminating. I think it's healthy to include a moderate amount of all foods in your diet. But as I have been reading more functional medicine books and as I reflect on my food sensitivity blood test, the message I am hearing is that I need to try eliminating wheat and dairy. I've been really emotional about it because of all of the things that come with that. Ice cream with Matthew on the couch, pizza once a week with my family, peach cobbler in the summer, cake/cookies/brownies just because. Plus, Starbucks. I have cut out dairy before due to some gut issues, and I did OK but made exceptions for occasional ice cream etc. Maybe I should just eliminate one at a time? I'm just having a very hard time processing this, but I wonder if it would help with the general achiness I feel, my thyroid function, and my stupid four year long sinus saga.

Interest rates. I still really really want to move to a place with a yard. Even better if it had a garage too. I also don't want to sell our condo. Being on only one consistent income, interest rates being so terrible, plus the increase in housing prices the last couple of years just makes moving feel impossible.

Pain. I still have insane neck pain. For the past few weeks I have been foam rolling my mid back to get some more mobility to support my neck. I haven't felt a significant decrease in pain. I got a massage today; it was only mildly helpful. I'm just always in some kind of pain. 

Sleep regression. Maybe it's his last molar coming in, or maybe it's his fast language development, but AJ has been waking up at night a lot the last week, and needing help getting to sleep. When we go to put him down, he squeezes our neck and panics, refusing to be put down. I'm not sure what it's about. 

Darkness. The sun is coming up later and going down earlier. I try to embrace the change of seasons, and find the things I enjoy. But I just do so much better with more sunshine. 

On My Brain

Facts and Feelings. I talked about this in a previous GBOMB. With low supply, I gave AJ some formula (primarily breastmilk, but some formula too). It does not hurt my feelings or stress me out when people say breast milk is ideal for babies. I did my very best to give him all I could. I had AJ get the vitamin K shot. I learned later that there is a black box label on that shot. I wasn't pumped to learn that, and I'll probably do things differently for my next kid. But I did the best I could with what I had.  We sleep trained. I work full time outside of the home; I wouldn't survive or be a healthy person or stable mother if I hadn't sleep trained. I respond to my baby throughout the day, and when there's reason to be concerned at night. Are there negative effects to sleep training? Maybe. People share some things that I frankly haven't experienced. But am I offended at what they share, or do I feel defensive of sleep training AJ? No. The fact is that there are consequences to all of the choices we make. Permissive parenting vs authoritarian parenting. Sleep training vs not sleep training. Circumcising vs. leaving babies whole. Baby led weaning or just purees. Using a pacifier vs. not. Weaning from a bottle early vs. late. Parenting is full of choices. We have to make the choice we feel the best about, and accept that there are consequences for those choices. Getting offended or feeling "mom guilt" or "mom shame" just seems like a waste of time. We do the best with what we have, and when we know better, we do better. And if we are feeling guilt or shame, we probably didn't make the choice that felt right in our heart. 

Intention. I have thought a lot about this over the past decade and a half. I feel like with those in my life who matter, their intentions hold weight for me. Sometimes Matthew will use a tone or respond in a way I feel is short or rude. I get upset sometimes. But it does help me to remember that it probably wasn't his intention to upset me. At the same time, people's feelings are valid. The intention doesn't matter as much as the way the person receives the message. It's why, even when I don't intend to offend, I'm willing to apologize. I believe feelings are valid. What I think about a lot is that I am grateful for the people who give me grace, understand my intentions aren't to be hurtful, and appreciate the good things about me. I try to give those close to me the benefit of a doubt, and I appreciate when people do the same for me. 

Introspection. I've stepped on a lot of toes this month, if you hadn't noticed a theme in this section. Things I say that I don't mean at all to be hurtful or annoying, but were received that way. I'm a big believer that delivery matters--the way we say things matters. But I keep learning that sometimes I just need to keep my mouth shut. It seems to happen all at the same time, too. Like I make foot in mouth mistakes 4 times in two weeks, and completely question who I am and whether I am a good person. It sounds so dramatic, but it's honestly a huge struggle for me. I honestly kind of just want to take a temporary vow of silence and go live with some monks for a little while, without having to talk to anyone I know. I feel like I would come out better for it. But since that's really not in the cards, I just need to say less. Period. 

Obsessive thoughts. When I make a mistake (particularly with people), I ruminate on it to a point that I almost can't function, especially at work. Even if I wasn't in the wrong or stand by what I said and how I said it, the stress just overwhelms me. I replay it or reread it over and over. It's in my nature to carry a ton of guilt--I still haven't let go of mistakes of mine from literal decades ago. So when I take a lot of missteps in a short amount of time, I really struggle to get over it. Recently, I was sharing a story of one of my missteps with a friend (and hadn't communicated that I did not want feedback; I was just venting). In response she reiterated like three times, that she "would have been annoyed," by what I said. OK. Thanks. I heard you the first time. That was two days ago. I'm still thinking about it. And my brain interprets it as, "You are annoying." Then I spiral into: "You annoy people. People find you annoying. No wonder people don't like you. You don't know when to shut up. You suck at life," and so forth. As a result, I cling to any and all positive feedback I get. I got a compliment on one of my courses from a coworker. The same friend who said she would've been annoyed, told me recently that she appreciates that I am not a fair weather friend, that I respond when she is struggling. Several people reached out on Instagram recently to tell me they appreciate my vulnerability, and that it helps them feel seen. I cling desperately to positive feedback, because the noise of the positive feedback is like a subtle phone vibration in my purse on the floor in a movie theater loudly playing the negative feedback. It's hard. I'm tired of myself. 

Venting. At what point do you go from getting frustrations out to a trusted friend, to it violating the trust and relationship integrity of the person you're frustrated with? 

I have so many thoughts about the Barbie movie as well. But I just want to go be quiet now. I think for once I actually am going to go to bed early tonight; I'm tired of my brain and its thoughts.