November GBOMB

Good

The weather. In 20 autumns in Utah, we've never had a fall so mild and warm for SO long like we have this year. I've never felt so happy in the middle of November. It's awesome. 

Stranger Things. I've loved re-watching old seasons and loved watching the new season over Thanksgiving break. 

Thanksgiving. I'm always excited when dinner turns out well. Turkey, stuffing, and sweet potatoes that I made were all really good. 

Book truck. Happening upon the book truck in front of Sweetaly was nothing short of magical. 

Family photos. As always, I am SO happy with our family photos. Ali does such a great job, and AJ did so amazingly even though he felt yucky. 

California trip. The ride down was rough--AJ's worst trip yet. But our time there was so lovely. Such good weather and time with family on both sides. 

AJ's enthusiasm. His love for holidays, decorations, lights, and just about everything brings so much joy to my life. I love him. 

Bad

Provo. I don't like driving there. I don't like driving there and having to make time up at work. I especially don't like it when I get there and the doctor can't even meet with me because his patient went into labor. And while running out the door he basically said he doesn't recommend surgery. What a royal waste of time. 

Age 3. AJ has a lot of moments lately that are really testing me--making it hard to check myself and regulate. I expect it with his age. It doesn't make it easy. 

Soreness. With a week off between my meet and the next time I lifted weights, I was in SO much pain for several days. I took more ibuprofen than I typically take in a few months time. AND my massage gun won't charge. I can't find the charger; I bought a replacement I thought might be compatible, but it didn't seem to work. 

Illness. It feels like AJ and I have been sick for two weeks now. We went to California and almost got worse. My productive cough has continued into December. AJ still has some dry cough attacks as well. I feel like this is the first "cold and flu season" that we've really been hit by. Thankfully nothing severe, just mild and long lasting. 

On My Brain

Powerlifting Meet. I wrote about my meet on my November in Review post. But it just was such a rough experience for me. I like to think I am a pretty gritty person. I like to do hard things. I like to commit. I see things through. But I literally wanted to quit the meet after getting disqualified from "failed" squats. My coach encouraged me to stay and do bench and deadlift because I peaked for those. So I stayed, and I hit all my attempts. But it was a struggle to feel excited or proud about any of it--the start of the day really took the wind out of my sails. I kept it together until squats were done, and then I cried. I did not come to the meet with any expectations of winning--only to do on a platform what I've been doing all year long. Four workouts a week: 123 bench press, 83 squat, and 79 deadlift workouts since January 6. I was at the gym at 5am for three days a week most weeks; I went even earlier than that when I had early ultrasounds or blood work. I used my precious short workday Friday afternoons to be trained. I spent Saturday mornings and even holidays there. I missed ONE workout after attending a birth for over 24 hours. I found a gym to get it in when I was out of town. I showed up no matter how tired I was, no matter if I was sick, no matter how little sleep I got, no matter how worn out I felt. I did a calorie cut and lost 5 pounds for this meet. I went from a 95lb bench press to a 135lb bench press. I went from a 125lb squat to a 260lb squat. I went from a 150lb deadlift to a 275lb deadlift. I figured out kilograms (a harder transition than you'd think). I hired two different coaches. I bought gear to compete. I paid hundreds of dollars for programming and training. I paid a lot to join USAPL and to be in the meet. So to have judges be "in a mood" (that nobody else had ever seen before) and tell me that I couldn't do what I've been doing all year, was so much more disheartening than I expected it would be. There are no judges in running. After running six half marathons and a full marathon, I didn't have anyone sitting in a chair at the end telling me that I didn't actually run the miles, you know? That's what the meet felt like. So I don't know. Maybe doing a sport where I'm being judged just isn't for me. Maybe I continue to progress in lifting without meets or approval or recognition. I'm just really struggling to articulate how incredibly disappointed I am about how it went, and am struggling to figure out what to do next, if anything. I kind of want to crawl into a hole. I know nobody is judging me. I know my coworkers, friends, and family are all proud I did a hard thing. I know the real wins are in the gym. But it turned out so badly that I wish I hadn't told anyone I was doing it so I wouldn't have had to explain what happened. 

Fertility. It's nice to have next steps worked out. I'm in a decent headspace. Always cautiously optimistic. Hoping for the best but always expecting my spotting to start. Annoyed at a doctor telling me he thinks the issue is my age. Annoyed at a doctor telling me a second surgery doesn't support fertility. Just annoyed at the whole medical system really. All of it is on my brain all the time.