Fear is Not My Friend

I cannot believe how difficult it is for me to even consider writing this blog. My heart is beating rapidly, and I feel the tears behind my eyes welling up and getting ready to fall.

I'm realizing something about myself--a very bad thing. These moments of self-reflection, when you take a careful, honest look at yourself and are not happy with what you see--those are difficult moments.

I figured because this issue involves a lot of people, I should probably just put it out there. Also, writing always helps me feel better. But this is scary, so bear with me.

I don't know if it has to do with being the first child, or just that it deals with the personality that I have, but my whole life I have been a perfectionist. I'm very hard on myself. This also means I have to be the best at everything I do. I'm not very competitive; I don't want to confuse you. Or maybe I am competitive and am afraid to lose.

I think that's what it is.

This is a really horrible predicament for me to be in. My fear of losing, of not being good at something, makes me stay inside my comfort zone, away from the things I expect I won't be good at.

I did not do sports growing up. I have realized that sports should be an important part of any child's life for so many reasons--social growth, personal growth and confidence, athleticism and health... But I did not do that. I was more the intellectual type and did not really care to do active things. Again, don't misunderstand. I was not a lazy child. I just was not an athletic one. I did martial arts starting at age 11, and I loved it. I love it to this day. But I remember being so afraid to start that, too. I was afraid a few years ago to go to the gym--to lift weights, to work out in front of people, to let people see that I had no idea what I was doing.

I remember being young and trying to learn card games from one of my best friends. I was no good. I'd lose. I'd forget the rules. I'd feel so uncomfortable and anxious about silly card games.

My family wasn't ever very active or out and about. We're into movies and music and conversation, but not super active things. So when I got invited on a hike with my fiancee's family, I was afraid of the challenge that faced me. I tried to just go full force into it and do my best and have a good attitude. I rocked that hike, by the way.

The thing I am grateful for is that in recent years I have been more willing to push myself outside of my comfort zone than when I was young. I was afraid TO GO TO THE GYM, for crying out loud. But I went. I did it. And I love it now. I have learned that it's OK to learn. It's OK to learn while others are watching. And it's OK to look bad while doing it. I know these things. But it doesn't make the process any easier for me. I get extremely uncomfortable and emotional about things I am nervous about and unfamiliar with.

I'm going to Lake Powell in a couple weeks:

-I am missing school--a huge focus in my life--and it is stressing me out beyond belief how I'll manage to keep up or what kind of consequences I'll face in my grade. I know it will all work out, but that doesn't make it easier for me.

-I am going with a really athletic, active family. They all know what they're doing. This scares me because I have never water skiied or wakeboarded or done any water sports like that. Trying these things is immensely scary for me, especially with people who are so good at these things. I get that it impresses people that you just make an effort, but for me, like I've explained, not doing well is really difficult for me.

-I am going with a very outspoken family. Oh how I love them. But it is very difficult for me to get a word in at any time because I don't care much to compete and am not confident that what I have to say is of any real value. They intimidate me a great deal. This frustrates me because, in a comfortable situation where I feel like the dominant personality, I am always the one doing all the talking and making all the jokes. When I am not the dominant personality and am uncomfortable talking, it makes me feel bad because I feel like I'm not letting people know me for how I really am.

Last night, I was told that I'd have to stay up late and play card games. How simple is that? For Janae, not so simple. Staying up late is not my thing to begin with, I get super grouchy and my body acts kind of funny. And I've explained that from a young age, I've never liked or been good at card games. I feel so silly and dumb even talking about this, but this is how serious my complex is. I had a dream last night that I was playing card games. You were supposed to end up with as few cards as possible. I thought I was doing well but somehow ended up with this two foot high stack of cards and had two people staring at me, like, "Wow, Janae," really confused as to how I had botched the game so badly. And I felt really stupid that I had done so badly. I HAD A DREAM ABOUT A CARD GAME, PEOPLE. What the heck?

OK, so now everyone knows that I am immensely uncomfortable with many factors. I am afraid to try things that I don't think I'll be good at. I'm afraid of being laughed at. And even if no one laughs, I just beat myself up anyway.

So there it is--one of my issues in a blog. And now it's all out, and I'll probably psych myself up for this trip and all of the intimidating things that come with it. I need to let go and be proud of myself for making an effort and for getting outside of my comfort zone. But any understanding and support and patience that I can get would be so helpful to me.

Thank you guys for reading... Hopefully I don't seem like a crazy person now.