On Dreaming Big
Lately I’ve been feeling a little bit like any “dreams” I have are on hold.
I’ve never considered myself much of a dreamer anyway. I guess I have always been satisfied with the notion of a steady, emotionally fulfilling life: a husband, kids, a dog, vacations.
I don’t need the big mansion on the beach, and it definitely wouldn’t be as fun to live in it alone.
So while I never thought I was “one of those BYU girls” who came to school specifically to get married and have babies, I guess in actuality, that really was all I’ve wanted my entire life.
I got engaged at 21, and went on and off with him for another 5-7 months after we broke it off.
Then I had a long stint of learning how to be happy just doing the things I enjoy doing. And I feel I’ve done a really good job of that. I’ve worked and supported myself and traveled and challenged myself, all without a husband.
Another long relationship followed when I was 26 all the way up until age 31.5. We broke off the engagement when I was 28, but were on and off for a few years after that. I’ve written about that loads of times, but to have a relationship end when you’re 30 or 31 and “ageing out” of young single adult wards at church is pretty devastating. Also, the outlook is bleak in mid-singles wards. I know; I have had lots of trusted friends attend them.
Working, learning and certifications, exercising, going to church, and maintaining friendships have often felt like ways to improve myself, but largely to fill time that is passing until I can have what I really want.
Honestly, it’s a terrible way to feel. It’s not that I feel like any of the above things aren’t a good use of my time. Obviously, I love my life and the things that I do and the people I know. I’m proud of the things I’ve done. But I guess I just want a really deep connection with someone to fill a hole that is always there, regardless of what I do. Having someone support me in my goals, someone to accomplish them with me, someone who inspires me to be better—that’s what I really want.
Nothing will satisfy me like a relationship will, like parenting will. And please don’t come at me with “relationships are a lot of work,” as if I don’t know that, as if I’m some kind of idealist. At this point in my life, I feel like I know this fact a lot better than married people do. I’ve been in enough relationships and witnessed enough relationships to have a pretty realistic grasp on how things really are.
That’s the thing though, I’m not afraid of hard conversations with someone who’s important to me. I look forward to being with someone who wants to do that work, who wants to discuss what needs changing, and who loves me enough to get uncomfortable with me.
Maybe finding a deep connection isn’t considered a big dream for a lot of people. Maybe others dream of mansions and business ownership and the Boston Marathon, or of notable charity work and luxury travel and fancy cars. But as a single woman going on 32, finding the kind of man I want feels like the biggest dream I can muster up.
I’ll have the ordinary life with the extraordinary relationship, please. With some adventures on the side.
I’ve never considered myself much of a dreamer anyway. I guess I have always been satisfied with the notion of a steady, emotionally fulfilling life: a husband, kids, a dog, vacations.
I don’t need the big mansion on the beach, and it definitely wouldn’t be as fun to live in it alone.
So while I never thought I was “one of those BYU girls” who came to school specifically to get married and have babies, I guess in actuality, that really was all I’ve wanted my entire life.
I got engaged at 21, and went on and off with him for another 5-7 months after we broke it off.
Then I had a long stint of learning how to be happy just doing the things I enjoy doing. And I feel I’ve done a really good job of that. I’ve worked and supported myself and traveled and challenged myself, all without a husband.
Another long relationship followed when I was 26 all the way up until age 31.5. We broke off the engagement when I was 28, but were on and off for a few years after that. I’ve written about that loads of times, but to have a relationship end when you’re 30 or 31 and “ageing out” of young single adult wards at church is pretty devastating. Also, the outlook is bleak in mid-singles wards. I know; I have had lots of trusted friends attend them.
Working, learning and certifications, exercising, going to church, and maintaining friendships have often felt like ways to improve myself, but largely to fill time that is passing until I can have what I really want.
Honestly, it’s a terrible way to feel. It’s not that I feel like any of the above things aren’t a good use of my time. Obviously, I love my life and the things that I do and the people I know. I’m proud of the things I’ve done. But I guess I just want a really deep connection with someone to fill a hole that is always there, regardless of what I do. Having someone support me in my goals, someone to accomplish them with me, someone who inspires me to be better—that’s what I really want.
Nothing will satisfy me like a relationship will, like parenting will. And please don’t come at me with “relationships are a lot of work,” as if I don’t know that, as if I’m some kind of idealist. At this point in my life, I feel like I know this fact a lot better than married people do. I’ve been in enough relationships and witnessed enough relationships to have a pretty realistic grasp on how things really are.
That’s the thing though, I’m not afraid of hard conversations with someone who’s important to me. I look forward to being with someone who wants to do that work, who wants to discuss what needs changing, and who loves me enough to get uncomfortable with me.
Maybe finding a deep connection isn’t considered a big dream for a lot of people. Maybe others dream of mansions and business ownership and the Boston Marathon, or of notable charity work and luxury travel and fancy cars. But as a single woman going on 32, finding the kind of man I want feels like the biggest dream I can muster up.
I’ll have the ordinary life with the extraordinary relationship, please. With some adventures on the side.
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