Your Feelings Matter

I feel like I’ve had a really easy time with this quarantine thing in comparison with a lot of people:

I work in durable medical equipment; a large portion of our business is oxygen delivery. During a nationwide respiratory illness challenge, oxygen seems to be pretty necessary for lots of folks.

That means I’ve kept my schedule the same.

I wake up.

I work out.

I shower and get ready.

I head to work.

I come home.

I am employed. That’s more than a lot of people can say. And I get to talk to people at work.

Most evenings, Matthew comes over, and we eat and watch shows. And so, aside from not being able to go eat at a restaurant, or go to the movies, or do anything else we want to do, life has been largely the same for me. 

Until Monday morning when I woke up to a bunch of texts and a missed call from Matthew letting me know that his cousin (and best friend) Alex passed away on Sunday evening.

By 9:30am, he was driving down to his brother Chad’s house to carpool with him to California.

Now, I could focus on the passing of Matthew’s cousin, but that’s a whole post in and of itself. And I know I couldn’t do justice to the pain and struggle of the loss that Matthew has been feeling.

Suffice it to say that in California, he has been hugging all the cousins, parents, aunts, siblings, and anyone else around.

Originally, his plan was to come home with Chad on Wednesday. Then he decided to stay until Friday and get a ride up to Utah with a different cousin.

I hadn’t seen Matthew since Sunday night. By Wednesday, April 22, I was already missing him something fierce, and was sad it was going to be pushed until Friday. But I could make it five days. It sucks, but I would live.

But then it occurred to me: he’s been hugging everybody.

I don’t even know who “everybody” is.

I don’t know where “everybody” has been.

I don’t know who “everybody” has been around.

Damn it.

So I sent him a text to ask if he should probably self-quarantine when he gets home, and push back our seeing each other even longer.

He agreed that he probably should. I looked up (for my questioner’s sake) the number of days in the Corona asymptomatic period. It said there’s a 1-14 day incubation period, with most showing symptoms in five days.

In an effort to be cautious but not overly so, I reached the conclusion that we could probably see each other the following Wednesday at the earliest. An entire week later, April 29. Then I realized today that he wouldn’t be back until Saturday, meaning we wouldn’t see each other until next Thursday. So it just gets better every day!

Now, I’ve expressed to Matthew multiple times how I’m not sure what I would do without him in this whole quarantine situation. And I’m still lucky enough to get to go to work and talk to people there! Having him with me isn’t something I have taken for granted. I've paid attention to the loneliness of others and appreciated what I had. 

On Wednesday, after realizing it would be ten days from the last time I saw him until I would get to see him again (and five days in quarantine is on the low side), I had a bit of a meltdown. 

I walked out of work for the day, got in my car, and cried most of the way home.

Not all of my sadness is from selfishness either. He has been with family this whole week; people who love him and care about him and knew his cousin and feel the loss too. I haven’t been able to help at all while he’s been gone—not even able to hold his hand or touch him. So I worry about him coming home and being alone without his family and without me. The little I can do (touch him and hold him), I can’t even do.

I texted my mom (because I’m allowed to feel sorry for myself to my mom) and said I’ve done fine up until this point of stupid COVID because my life has been mostly the same, with a few inconveniences of fewer options and more boredom. I told her how hard the previous few days had already been without Matthew in the evenings, and how I didn’t know what I was going to do.

She pointed out that I’ve always liked being alone but that now I’ve adjusted to being with someone.

It could be that. But we spend a couple nights apart a week. And I think it’s more that I am not allowed to do what I would normally do. Normally, I’d go to the movies by myself. Normally, I’d wander around a store like Barnes & Noble, Target, Big Lots, or World Market. Normally, I would run errands doing things I’d put off. I’d make dinner plans with friends. My loner activities are limited to my home. Yes, I am an introvert, but I am more of a busy body than a homebody.

Part of me feels dumb for even complaining. Oh, 11 days without your boyfriend. Big whoop. There are people who have been alone for well over a month. Legitimately alone. No coworkers to talk to in person. No roommates (even if they’re in their rooms). No partner.

The only time I really have to be alone is after 5pm until I go to bed, and the weekend. Not that hard, not that big of a deal.

I’ve often stopped my own complaining by acknowledging that there are situations much worse than mine.

But you know what? My feelings are valid too. Maybe my loss of connection, my loneliness, is coming a lot later than others. Maybe it’s less intense than others. Maybe it’s for fewer hours than others. Maybe it’s for fewer days than others. But it’s real. And there’s also the fact that I don’t think I’ve ever gone that long without being with Matthew since we started dating.

One can feel grateful and still feel sad.

One can talk to people at work and still feel lonely.

One can be an introvert and still need connection.

I’ve learned to have immense respect and empathy for what others are feeling. Regardless of whether someone’s experience seems like a big deal to you, it’s real for them.

And this is real for me.

And while I consider myself pretty good at touching base regularly with my friends, and have been trying really hard to do that this whole time, this has made me even more determined to reach out and check in with everybody.

So, if you’ve been doing this “shelter in place” or “stay home, stay safe” thing by yourself this whole damn time, I solute you. I feel for you. Please reach out to me if you need a Face Time or a Marco Polo. Four days so far without my person, and I am a train wreck.

After crying in my car, in an effort to not fall into a deeper hole, I asked myself, “How can I make this next week easier or better for myself?” So I put out an invitation on Instagram right then to do a 6 feet apart meet up for dinner. Thankfully, people have come to my rescue.

I’ll be alone tonight but have shows I want to watch.

I’m doing grocery pickup after work tomorrow (not going in), and will pick up dinner for myself.

I’m doing dinner with Ashleigh at the park on Saturday.

I’m probably going to stop at my grandma’s on Sunday.

I’m doing dinner with Joyce on Monday.

I’m doing dinner with Brionna on Tuesday. (This is Matthew’s friend’s wife, and new friend of mine)

I’m doing waffles with Brittney on Wednesday.

And hopefully seeing Matthew on Thursday, if he’s symptom free.  

Making plans is a big part of how I function in regular life, and is probably going to save me this next week in COVID life. So yeah, I’m struggling and have moments of feeling v sorry for myself as all this happened unexpectedly, but I also choose to do what I can to make it less miserable and less difficult. I’m blessed with good people in my life and I miss my Matthew immensely.

Please pray for him in this rough time, as a big part of my anxiety comes from concern for him. Fight the good Corona fight, my friends.