On Being Bold

What kind of person are you?

Are you the kind of person who steps in when someone is in trouble? Or do you get nervous and freeze? Do you worry about stepping into a situation that’s “none of your business”? 

I can say after being witness to or part of several uncomfortable situations in my life, I probably am more fearful than I care to admit. I freeze up in situations and feel like I don’t know what to say. 

It can range from the harmless situation of a man at church grabbing my left hand to ask the (basically stranger) single guy next to me, “What about this one? What's wrong with her?” to the creeper outside Starbucks giving me eyes and saying, “Helloooooo.” 

Or it could be a straight up emergency, where a car is flipped over, and people could be hurt. Do you call an ambulance? Or do you check on the people, if a car could explode while you’re next to it? 

Today I was walking back to my car in the Smith’s parking lot after getting a key copied for work. I heard a man (we’ll call him John) yelling at another man (we’ll call him Anton). When I looked to my left, an older woman (we’ll call her Jane), maybe in her mid-50s, was on the ground looking up with an expression of hurt and incredulity. It looked like she had been pushed to the ground. 

I kept walking but stopped short of getting into my car and continued to listen and observe. I heard John yelling things like, “What the f--- is wrong with you? You’re a piece of sh--. Don’t f---ing touch her. I don’t have to know the situation! I saw you do it! You think she wants you to touch her right now after what you just did? I should just call the cops right now. You don’t deserve sh-- when you put your hands on a woman like that!” 

He was verbally tearing Anton apart. I was so grateful John was so brave and stood up for a stranger so boldly. 

The woman parked next to the couple and in front of me was approaching her car and knew something was amiss. She asked Jane if she was alright. John said, "See! She saw it too!" She and I exchanged worried glances as she packed up her car. 

My head was spinning. I had no idea what the best course of action would be, but I wanted to help. I was on the front side of their car, looking into their front windshield, and the argument was happening behind the car. I could only hear the words but couldn’t see what was happening. 

While standing there unsure of what to do, I looked to my left at another onlooker who was watching quietly. I gave him a questioning look, hoping he would know what to do. 

Feeling like some action was better than none, I took a photo of the front of the car with the license plate. 

I saw John walk off toward his car. The couple hurriedly finished putting the groceries in their car, and drove away. I wondered if I should have chased John down to thank him for his bravery and get his info in case we needed to talk to the police. But I also felt a pull to mind my own business and go back to work. 

So what does any confused and helpless person with available parents do? I called my mom. She didn’t answer. So I didn’t waste any more time, and I found the non-emergency line for the city police. I told them what happened, and they took down my information. My mom called me back, and I told her the situation. She said calling the police is exactly what I should’ve done. Then I had an anonymous call coming in on the other line. I assumed it was the police, so I hung up with my mom.

A female officer proceeded to ask me what I saw, and wanted to confirm the type of car. I told her I didn’t actually see the woman get pushed, but that I was concerned if a man was willing to do something like that in public, then what was happening to her at home? She said she understood and told me they’d go check on her. 

Of course, I called my husband to tell him, and preceded the story with a “sensitive wife alert,” so he knew I was upset. He told me that he was sorry I had to see that. I also told the story to my bosses, who assured me I had done the right thing. 

And so I’ve been sitting here thinking all the things and feeling all the feels. 

-Did I do enough?

-Should I have asked if she was OK while John yelled at Anton?

-Should I have gotten John’s name and info?

-What would I have done if I saw him push her?

-If he does this to his wife in public, what does he do to her at home? 

-What if she tells the police she is fine? What if it’s not fine?

-If the police can’t just make their way into the home, how can they help her? 

-I’m so grateful for that stranger who was brave and confronted someone when he saw something unacceptable. 

-I’m so grateful for people who aren’t afraid to speak up in situations. 

-I’m so grateful to know without a doubt that Matthew would have stepped in if he saw what happened. 

-I’m so grateful that the men in my life don’t do this kind of thing to me or other women.

-I’m so grateful I’ve known a life without violence. 

-I’m so sad she experiences violence from someone who is supposed to take care of her.

-I’m so sad so many people have it so much worse than what I saw in the parking lot. 

The thoughts and feelings go on and on. I just am scared for her and disappointed that I didn’t do more. I hope I can keep learning from these situations and learn from the bold and vocal people. I want to follow my gut about if and when and how to step in. I want to be brave. I want to have the words ready when I need them. 

I know there are various roles for all types of people in uncomfortable situations. Maybe I’m not a disruptor like John. Maybe I can be a caregiver or a guide. And I’ll think more about what that role requires of me in uncomfortable situations. And in the meantime I'll hope and pray that this woman is OK, and that she has the self-love and resources and courage to walk away.