May GBOMB

Good

Breastfeeding. Holy guacamole! I'm officially done pumping. It was a LONG year. It took me longer to cut down pumps than I anticipated. I had expectations that my tiny supply would disappear as soon as I dropped even one pump. I cried many tears, thinking it would be the last time I'd nurse my baby because he wouldn't want to anymore. How wrong I was. It is June 2, and instead of being totally done as I expected, we're nursing in the morning and at bedtime. He's happy and eager to do it! I cannot believe we are at this point, and I'm SO grateful to be here. I worked so insanely hard for so long. It's hard for me to say I am proud of myself until I've reached a goal. I never got to where I wanted to be, but I did more work for longer than I ever expected. So I am proud. 

Here's my post about it: https://www.instagram.com/p/Csh6zBSrDob/ 

My new job. I am actually really loving what I do. We've finally picked an LMS to use for our trainings. I have a meeting set next week with some team captains to outline a training path for our first group (the phone team). I spent all day yesterday in the learning platform in their courses to learn the ins and outs of it all. And I'm really glad to be doing it. I'm feeling a little more connected to myself and my natural abilities. I don't know if this is a honeymoon period, but I'll take it. I just get so many ideas about the possibilities with this position. 

AJ. I don't know how long he will be in my "good" category of these posts because I know toddlers and teens are hard. But I love him so much. His smile and his laugh bring me so much joy, I feel like I could burst. He is such a happy baby, and I am so grateful he is mine. 

My new favorite picture

Ted Lasso. I know this is a repeat. But I just don't think I've ever loved a show as much as I love Ted Lasso. I am so sad it is over. The first season is the best season, sure, and Ted almost felt like an after thought in season 3. But I loved it regardless. My sister-in-law who recommended it to us originally said it was "delightful." I haven't been able to come up with a better word. Also I genuinely think I'd get the "Believe" poster tattooed on my body. I'm considering it. 

Running and Unicorn Space. I listened to Fair Play after watching the documentary on Hulu. She spends a good chunk of the book discussing unicorn space--what are your passions in life that you want to share with the world? This must go beyond self-care like showering and exercising. But as I have taken AJ on walks or driven by people running, I've looked with envy at the people running, just wishing I were them. I'd think, "That looks so fun. I want to do that." So I finally ordered new (old model) Altras from Amazon, and got out on my first run. I was hoping to do two runs per week. But any run at all is a win for me. I'm so happy to be back out there. It just feels right, and fun, and like I can do anything. It feels like I am me again. 

Mother's Day. It was so nice to go back to sleep until 8:00, to have Matthew make me breakfast (and get me flowers), to go get some coffee and read by myself, and just to be a mom. I am so grateful for the privilege. I don't even need anything. But to have the morning off and not be in a rush to get back home to pump or anything just felt like such a gift, and it was a beautiful day. I just found joy in the small things that day. 

Bad

Me. I'm just feeling tired of myself lately. I can just be a really critical human with really high expectations for people. I work hard to remember that people are doing the best they can. But I still lose patience, and need to give a lot more grace, especially at work, but everywhere else too. I get so tired of myself that I genuinely wonder how other people can stand me. And then people who read my thoughts say kind and reassuring things, but I don't feel deserving, and I feel that if they really knew me, they wouldn't think those things. Just a struggle. 

My body. I work so hard at body neutrality. I work hard to take care of my health and physical self, without focusing on my physique. I firmly believe there are more important things in life than chasing a number on a scale, or a certain look. But I also am frustrated that no clothing seems to fit me right. It's hard for me to feel satisfied with my body when I don't even feel comfortable in my clothes. I finally ordered some new sports bras, and they're so great I'm kicking myself for not doing it sooner. Anyway. It's just all different, even on the inside. Having a baby has made intimacy more challenging too. Every aspect of my body is different, and I would be lying if I said it hasn't been hard. 

Trauma. Listening to The Body Keeps the Score was so incredibly hard for me, particularly the section about kids. The awful things people do to their own children just tear me apart. I want every baby to come into a world where they are loved, prioritized, and given the safety to develop the way they're meant to. It was such a hard book to listen to at some points. It's on my brain a ton, and I learned a lot, but it's in the bad section because I'm haunted by the stories. 

The confrontation at the dumpster on May 19 was not my favorite. See this post for an explanation. I just know things could've gone bad, and am grateful they didn't. Still wrestling in my brain with the what-ifs. 

On My Brain

AJ. Who is this child going to be? What will he enjoy? Will he value hard work and honesty? Will I be able to set an example of kindness, better than I do currently? I think about him a lot and how to do right by him. 

Feet. Wanting to help AJ's feet stay in the natural human shape they're meant to will probably mean spending a lot of money. So it's worth looking more into the effects of modern shoes and the benefits of barefoot-style shoes. 

Unicorn Space. I wish Eve Rodsky had called it something else. But she really has me thinking about what lights me up and what I need time for. Just been rolling it around in my brain a lot. Matthew asked me on our day date to Chili's and the movies what things are capturing my interest lately, other than birth and birth work. That's really all I could think of, and I've been thinking about his question ever since. 

Gilmore Girls. I'm in the second to last season, and never watched it consistently in its prime. There's so much immature and toxic low EQ behavior in this show, I want to shake a lot of shoulders. 

Gender and pride month. I don't want to go deep here, because I'd rather reserve these conversations with people who have unconditional positive regard for me. But I have some complicated thoughts and emotions surrounding posts like this one: https://www.instagram.com/p/Cs_ftqYLNct/. I believe all people should be treated with respect and kindness. They should be able to walk down the street or into a store without fear. At the same time, I don't know that I'm OK with all of the lines getting blurred, especially now that I am a woman who has known the full weight of her womanhood after growing and bearing a child. 

Designing the summer. I am going to dig up some old blog posts if I can to see what I did to maximize my summer time. With Fridays off, and this being my baby's second summer on earth, I want to take full advantage of it. I want to take him to splash pads, and we're going to the zoo this weekend. We typically do some campfires, but with a 7:30 bedtime and still doing two naps a day, that feels logistically challenging. When do experiences > sleep? 
- Adding: I just did a search and found that in summer I've done hikes, farmer's markets, CA trips, Taylorsville Days, Bees games, Draper Days, poke, food trucks, and peach cobbler (in August). Other possibilities include Harry Potter's birthday July 31, fishing, visits to Park City, Yellowstone, or other sites.