Janae Says...

Five things you didn't know about Janae 1. She once recorded a video with her friend Allyn to Fall Out Boy's "Dance, Dance," wherein she and her friend danced in crazy-like manners. 2. She got caught eating boogers by her mother when she was probably 3 or 4. Yep, she was one of those . 3. She gave herself an 8:30 bedtime in sixth grade. 4. She remembers every word you say and every face you make. She's even more likely to remember those things if they were negative. 5. She used to be so obsessed with the color blue that she spent $20 on a blue wig from Claire's because her mother wouldn't let her dye her hair blue.

I believe I've made it pretty clear that my boyfriend and I are pretty opposite in nearly every way we can be. He is an ESFP and I am an ISFJ . These are really general things and neither of us fit these descriptions to a tee. Our hope in being attracted to our opposite is that we will "become a more well-rounded, functioning unit." There's more stuff about it here . I am a very structured and organized person. This is the way I thrive and enjoy my time, and I find myself happiest when I can check a lot of things off of a to-do list. Tanner is not so much this way. He will play and play and, as his personality profile says, "trust in his ability to improvise in any situation presented to him." In other words, he knows he can get it done a minute before it is due. He has helped me to learn to play, to learn that there is more time to get things done than I think. I have helped him to see the value of organization and completing reading assignments to get the...

Tanner's sister BriAnn asked me about school the other night. I realized I had been so caught up in the dramatic, emotional part of my life that I hadn't let anyone know how the more fundamental parts are faring. While I have you at the beginning of this post, I'm going to ask you to click on the right side to follow my blog. I hear about people who have read my blog who I never even would have fathomed. It really doesn't bother me, and it certainly doesn't freak me out. I wouldn't put my life on public display in my blog if it bothered me, would I? I'm glad people care so much! Or maybe you all just think I'm a fabulous writer. ;) Either way, I want to know who is following, whether I know you or not! So click it, blog stalkers!! (just teasing). Oh school... How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. School stirs up so many thoughts and feelings within me that I am not sure how best to encapsulate my thoughts. First of all, school has always been my lif...

Tanner and I spoke last night for a long time. His dad came in at some point and I explained more or less the things I talked about in my last post. He seemed very supportive of my goals and showed confidence in opposite people's ability to work things out. He said that it seemed like I had thought a lot about it and that I was being very rational. He told me I need to have a real appreciation for the opposite approach, a respect for it, and told me that Tanner cannot be changed through criticism. He said a lot of good and valuable things and made a lot of sense. So Tanner has agreed to let me try to change the things I want to change. We are officially dating again and will let things play out however they are going to play out. On one hand we're picking up where we left off, and on the other we're not rushing anything. We have to see if this really is possible and are aware of the possibility that things may not work out. The problems that were there before are not just g...

I want to take another look at the blog I wrote last Wednesday, which as you know was to get things off my chest—to alleviate some pressure and pain. The downside of sharing these things in a blog is that people take every word you say to be valid and true and lasting. I’m saying this is a disadvantage because if I change my mind, everyone can look back and say, “But Janae, you said this, you felt that, you did this, remember?” Yes, yes I remember. I remember I said that nothing, from dating to picking our bed set, felt right. I remember saying that we are too opposite to make things work. I remember saying I could not obtain peace from prayer about our marriage. I remember saying I felt like something was missing, that I felt angry and anxious. I remember saying our happy days were fewer than bad days. I remember our non-matching cores, our opposite passions and approaches to life. I remember saying that no matter how hard Tanner has tried, I have been impossible to please. I remember...

I'm feeling OK and have felt OK for approximately 4.5 hours now. I hope these feelings are accurate. Time will tell. See paragraph 21 of Wednesday's post.

I won't be angry at him anymore. I'll change. Please just let me have him back :(

I keep thinking we could be happy together and work things out... That after this we'd really be able to be happy and just enjoy our time together. I keep seeing him getting back from Powell and seeing myself rejoin as part of the family for dinner on Sunday. And then I remember all the times where I wasn't mad at him at all, and he thought something was wrong. I remember doing the dishes a couple Sundays ago, and him walking in and apologizing for not helping sooner because he was helping his dad. He was afraid I was mad at him. And I wasn't. But I was mad so often that he was in constant fear of upsetting me. And that makes me feel like the worst girl in the world.

You know, writing is everything to me. It helps me organize my thoughts. It helps me communicate much better than I could ever do verbally. It also provides balance in my life as I am able to experience catharsis through getting my thoughts and emotions out into the universe. I've been putting off writing this because I knew I'd be a wreck while doing so. I am at work, and I actually DO have work to do, but I'm entirely unfocused while doing it. And I realized that this has to happen right now. Yes, right now. I have to write it while my emotions are fresh, and while I have the energy to do so. I can't MAKE myself do it, and now feels like the right time, so now it is. A little over a week ago, last Monday, I woke up in a funk. It was after a Sunday night conversation about wedding plans. We talked about how difficult it was to pick a date that worked so that people could come. The possibility was brought up that maybe we should just get married in Utah and not my dream...