Janae Says...

Words are so, so important to me. Words can lift me up. Or they can destroy me. And I'll remember them forever. I can forgive. But I can't forget.

I recently read a book whose language made my mouth water. I literally had to stop and gather myself before I could continue reading because I was just so enthralled by these words. They drove me crazy! (in a good way). For my own sake, I'm transcribing some of my favorite parts. (If the end quote isn't there, it means it goes on to the next paragraph, just FYI.) Feel free to skim through them--this blog is not for you. It's for me! :) Oh, delicious words... "Love makes you see a place differently, just as you hold differently an object that belongs to someone you love. If you know one landscape well, you will look at all other landscapes differently. And if you learn to love one place, sometimes you can also learn to love another." "'Look at me, look at me' to convince me of his goodness, he couldn't know how he terrified me, how meaningless the words. If truth is not in the face, then where is it? In the hands! In the hands." "I embrac...

My current celebrity crush is on Robert Schwartzman, frontman for a favorite band of mine, Rooney. He is so darling, especially in The Princess Diaries. Yeah, I said it. Princess Diaries. He works on Mia's car in that movie. He can work on my car whenever he wants, tell you what. She needs a new paint job. Something about that Luke Skywalker hair cut. And skinny white boys. What is my deal?

I just had a flashback of when I had food poisoning which seems not too long ago. It was a year and twelve days ago, to be exact. Feels like yesterday, and I kind of wish it were for a few reasons. It's funny what happens in a year. And thank heaven I went into such detail . What would you all have done without it? A lot happens even in just a few weeks... Because it was just over four weeks ago that some things didn't go very well at all for me. Four weeks is not a long time at all. Neither is two. It's just interesting how fast life moves, especially when you don't want it to. And it's interesting how slowly feelings fade, especially when you do want them to. I digress. Because I know you all loved my detailed bathroom experiences of a year ago, I thought I'd share another. Let's say that you live in an apartment with three people, two of which are your friends. The other one you share a bathroom with and therefore can't be as open about certain things...

I re-read a blog today that someone wrote on March 4th of last year. It made me cry. And it made me feel like it was worth the struggle. I thank heaven for blogs, sometimes...

A beautiful excerpt... From Mister Pip by Lloyd Jones.

I can't concentrate on any of my responsibilities. 64°? Seriously? And you expect me to read textbooks? Come on. I want to go fishing, dang it!

It's hard feeling like I'm being talked about by people who have a very limited understanding of a situation...of me. It's hard knowing my mistakes, wishing I could go back and fix things, and not being able to, or wanting to explain something when I'm not given the chance. What has been done to me and what I have done to others have both made me learn a few things in these last couple of months... I'm learning to be careful about my thoughts about others. I've learned that how I perceive people is from a very limited perspective. If people haven't shared their deepest thoughts or feelings or experiences, then I haven't any understanding of them, who they are, or what they have gone through. I'm learning this because I'm feeling terribly misunderstood and misrepresented. Negative actions do not accurately reflect the whole person. People are multi-layered and have motives. I'm learning that true love is knowing all of those layers, good and b...

Things that make me happy today... Feeling comfortable with and excited about the junior high where I will be spending the next year plus of my life teaching seventh graders! Seeing the moon over the mountains to the west this morning. It looked so awesome. I wish our eyeballs could take pictures. My dad--for being encouraging and offering perspective. My brother Jason--for making me laugh and being supportive. Yoasis. It is delicious and healthy. May as well keep off the weight that I accidentally lost. AMAZING weather--clear blue skies and 43°. Friends and family who love and accept rather than judge and reject. Fantastic music. Those old rock 'n roll classics that made up my childhood put me in a good place in the morning. As does Joshua Radin. A good new picture for my new BYU student ID card. Finally. The old picture was indescribably terrible. Scriptures and prayer. Several hours straight of confidence and determination. Reminiscing. Edna--She's a grandma, but she's a...

Love is bringing each other food--surprise picnics at work. Love is taking care of someone when they had food poisoning. Love is not being able to imagine life without someone. Love is laying on a bean bag, looking into each other's eyes and smiling because there are no words. Love is clipping someone's toenails. Love is trying to think of something great to get them for their birthday, Valentine's Day, your anniversary, or Christmas. Love is not being able to squeeze hard enough. Love is making photo albums. Love is emails, letters, cards, and poetry just because. Love is compromising on which movie to watch. Love is going on dates even after being engaged. Love is smelling each other unshowered and seeing each other unappealing and still thinking they smell and look great. Love is wanting to always be better to make someone happy. Love is laughing on road trips to stand-up comedy. Love is inside jokes, phrases, words. Love is knowing everything about each other and loving...

I went private with my blog for a grand total of 14 hours. I am seriously considering going with it permanently. It's only public right now because it's a lot of work to try to email everyone who I want to be allowed to read my blog. I'm making a disclaimer, though. My blogs are my feelings, my perspectives, and nothing more. All I know is how I feel and how I see things. If I don't feel it is appropriate for me to discuss why I feel a certain way, then I won't do it. Thus, my last (and now deleted) blog. I never felt that on my blog I should have to justify my feelings. I don't like feeling like I have no right to feel a certain way. And therefore I don't like feeling like I should censor myself. I do have a right to feel and think as I do, and if there's one thing I'm learning right now, it's that everyone has a motive or a reason--reasons for thinking, feeling, reacting, and living in certain ways. I think it's easy to forget that--easy t...