Saturday, April 21, 2012

Mid-20s Crisis

Well there are about a million and a half things I could blog about because I haven't blogged in forever. For a while there I was pretty busy. I had spring break, which turned out to be good and bad. I've been writing a lot of articles and stuff to bring in some extra money. I put in my 60 days notice at my apartment complex. I'm having anxiety about moving. I went to boot camp today at the gym. I spent hours and hours cleaning and trying to remove stains from my clothing. I planned lessons. And now it's 9 PM and I'm finally trying to take a deep breath.

On the plus side, my apartment smells and looks nice. And I have a delicious chocolate lovers' bundt cake calling my name.

I don't know how many times I have said this, but honestly, I'd rather have someone just

A) Tell me no instead of give me a maybe
B) Not even mention something without having the intention of doing it.

A): I waited all spring break to hear about something that I expected probably wouldn't happen. But there was just that waiting and hoping that it would. I'd rather have heard a "no" on day 1, then I could just move on mentally. You know?

B): Someone recently mentioned making a "regular thing" out of talking on the phone. Needless to say, that has not happened.

I just am tired of feeling like I do not matter to people, like people forget about me, or like they don't really give a rat's about communicating with me. I go out of my way to do certain things. I put in energy and kind of risk a little bit and realize that they're not going to do the same. Good intentions are great. But where's the follow through?

Anyway, as negative as all of that sounds, I'm not in a grouchy or angry mood. I just am tired and frustrated by how everybody is the same.

I'm having a bit of a crisis right now besides. I'm wanting to GTFO of here. I don't know where "here" is, though. That's the problem. Do I want a new job? Do I want to move into another city or state? Do I want to stay here and buy a house?

The answer to all of those is yes. I'm 25. I'm single. I have no kids and no ties to anything here. I can pick up and go anywhere I want. But that part of me that loves stability and consistency, that loves knowing that there is a job to go to, that knows her way around town just does not want to take that kind of risk.

I've been seriously considering Teach for America. I figure now's as good a time as any to try it out. They make you do your masters. And will train you and place you in one of your top 3 or 5 preferred areas. How cool and scary would that be?

I just don't really see any reason to stay here besides that it's safe. I don't think I'll find anyone to marry here, either, to be honest. And that's a huge reason I am in Utah anyway.

Honestly, I have had a lot of ideas for a bunch of blog topics, but haven't written any of them down. And I'm exhausted now. So "write a blog" was just another box on my checklist for today. Now it's done. I'm going to eat cake and watch a movie. G'bye.

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