Saturday, February 23, 2013


I am curious why people consider it their mission to describe to others the worst of their traits and faults.

I think when words of criticism are thrown at you, it might be best to wonder what the intent was behind the words. If the person saying them cares deeply about you, and you know they know you and your intentions, you can trust their intentions too. And accept and contemplate the words they say.

But when it's something like, "You are rotten,"

or "you are a snobby girl,"

or "you are superficial,"

or "you are self-serving,"

or "nobody will ever love you,"

or that "even God could not love you,"

or "you are an unstable and ugly person,"

or "what's the view like from up there, your highness?"

or "you are fat, ugly, and you stink like BO."

One has to wonder what good these kinds of observations were supposed to do.

I mean, any of the above might be true. I wouldn't say I'm not guilty of any of the above. I would say at times maybe I have even been deserving of such comments. I've had a bad attitude. I've been horribly rude. A majority of the time though, it wasn't ever on purpose.

Wouldn't someone who knows you, someone who cares about you, give you the benefit of the doubt?

I struggle enough in my life with negative self-talk. The worst part is the cavalierness with which I do it. I'll say things to myself jokingly. "You forgot to take your glasses to the movies tonight, Janae? You're so dumb!"

Not a big deal, forgetting glasses (besides that I have horrible vision). Not a big deal to call myself dumb... Right?

This is the sort of thought process I engage in regularly. It's a habit. It's normal for me to talk about myself like that.

I'm trying to fix it. I think that by recognizing the things I do well, the things that are beautiful about me... By focusing on those things, I can amplify them and multiply on them. Like a snowball.

"If you can't see anything beautiful about yourself, get a better mirror. Look a little closer. Stare a little longer. Because there's something inside you that made you keep trying despite everyone who told you to quit." - Shane Koyczan who made this amazing video. I watched it at the perfect time.

I showed it to my advisory kids at school. One girl cried.

I put Koyczan's lines as the background of my phone.

My lock screen says "You is kind. You is smart. You is important." (from The Help, of course).

I put this above my mirror. My grandma, recognizing my need for it, got it for me.

I'm struggling to stay afloat with the way I feel about myself. So when I get a beating with words, I hold onto all of it and engrave it in my memory--with much more ease than positive words, might I add.

I'll just have to remind myself that their intentions weren't to help me. Their intentions were to hurt me because I unwittingly hurt them. Or hurt them worse than I had intended, if I did, in fact, intend to.

I will recognize the good in myself. I will magnify it. Once I do that, somebody awesome will see it too, and will accept me and all my flaws and have every good intention and will only want to love me, knowing that his love will motivate constant change in me.

It will happen.

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