I Don't Have to Know
I don’t know what bothered me about it, exactly.
I was just standing there, minding my own business, watching
some kids throw apples away, attempting to enjoy the Dunkin’ Donuts latte lite
I had just gotten.
It is September, and I picked up a coffee habit around
last Christmas. That’s a lie. I had the habit also when I was in the eighth
grade but stopped drinking it, mostly under the threat of stunted growth. Too little, too late. I'm still five feet tall.
Dunkin’ Donuts has made a lot of money off me this year—more
than I’d like to admit. I even earned my Starbucks gold card in the past eight
months. I may have earned a drink or two from Beans & Brews as well. So you
could say I’m kind of a connoisseur of lattes.
When my LDS coworker came and stood next to me and said, “I
didn’t know Balibrea was a coffee drinker,” I denied nothing. I said, “I
shouldn’t be, but I am.”
He stooped over awkwardly, staring at my CTR ring on one
hand, and my latte in the other. He said, “I just have to know. Why do you
drink coffee?”
I was so taken aback by the question. He saw that I was
drinking it. I admitted I knew better, by church standards. I figured he would
just make his silent judgment of me, and we’d both move on. But no. I didn’t
even know what to say in response because I was taken off guard. I can’t be
sure, but I think I muttered something along the lines of, “I don’t know. I
just like it,” as my eyes wandered nervously away from the face of his judgment.
I guess that was good enough because he then proceeded to ask me for help
creating a Linux installation disc. (P.S. not part of my job description. Also,
no idea how to do anything of the sort.)
So, what is the real answer? Why have I been drinking this
glorious tasting nectar from the coffee plant? I have a few reasons, if you “have
to know.”
First and foremost,
Secondly, and this may sound silly if you’ve not indulged in
or enjoyed coffee drinks before, but it relaxes me. It has become a morning
ritual of sorts. I come to work, I get lots of things done. I make sure testing
is running smoothly. I knock out work orders. I reply to emails. I grade work.
I enter it into Gradebook. I make my classroom and desk organized and pretty. I
get things done. And then I take a break. My drink actually centers me for a
few minutes. I focus on that. And then I feel ready and energized to take on the
rest of the day.
Thirdly, you may call this justifying, but there are benefits
to drinking coffee. In this article from Runners’ Magazine a few months ago, I
read about the benefits of drinking coffee. Some benefits are mood improvement
(oh, what was my second reason again?), stress relief (huh? Reason #2?), boost in
antioxidants, decrease of diabetes risk, enhanced brain function, and lower
risk of heart disease. I dare you to find a similar study in defense of
drinking soda.
You could easily send me to an article like this one which
has some direct contradictions to the article above. And I probably wouldn’t
contend, because I think water is the best thing to drink always, which is why
I drink so much of it.
So now I’d like to get to the real reason I wrote this post:
why did it upset me so much that my coworker asked me that question? The long
and short of it is, it’s none of his business. Honest and truly, my decisions
don’t need to be questioned except by those closest to me who are concerned for
my well-being. My decisions are between me and the Lord. (Note: It could be
that I was automatically defensive because of my own guilt, but going by his tone, I’m pretty sure his
question was more due to nosiness and judginess than curiosity. And that bugs me.)
I have a problem when people who are overly concerned with
the decisions of others, and especially with those that are visible decisions. For
example, most church members don’t get tattoos. Some have them: some got them before they converted to the church, some during periods of inactivity, and
others while they were active! Since it’s a visible decision, would you walk up
to them and say, “Now, I just have to know. Why would you get a tattoo?” I
would guess that the person would probably have a few reasons for having chosen
that, but does it really matter? The fact is that it was their decision, period.
It really is none of your concern. Does a tattoo put some kind of damper on the
faithfulness of a church member? Are you concerned that they make you or other
church members look bad somehow?
When you see somebody not taking the sacrament, do you ask
them why not?
You can’t see somebody’s pornography addiction. You can’t
see the lies coming out of somebody’s mouth. You can’t see the premarital
relations couples are engaging in (I hope). There are lots of things people do that you
can’t see. If you could see these things, would you ask about them?
To be quite frank, many of us prioritize or assign levels to
commandments. We know the three greatest sins are those of perdition, adultery,
and murder. Not in that order, obviously. But I think we’re pretty safe in saying
that somebody who drinks or smokes or breaks the sabbath is probably not in as
much trouble as a murderer or adulterer. But I think from the smallest of
struggles to the largest, it isn’t our stewardship to worry about the decisions
of others. It has been commanded of us to love. Make people feel welcome and loved and hopeful that they can change and be forgiven.
As a common example of prioritizing, let’s look at
caffeinated soda. Some people were brought up being taught that caffeine is not
acceptable (see vending machines on BYU campus). “Gasp! Who brought the regular
Coca-Cola to mutual?!” Some people were brought up being taught that that’s
just not the case. “Love me some D.P.!” But do you see that it’s a big deal to
one group, and not that big of a deal to another? Our backgrounds are so
different. I don’t see the need to question why these people do what they do.
Be comfortable with your decisions, and live peaceably with the decisions of
others.
But I am not writing this to debate the “seriousness” of
sins or their consequences. I’m writing to remind you that the way you look at
something is not the way that everybody else does. If you have never drank
coffee in your life, hey! Good for you, man. I’m sure you have made some
decisions in your life I wouldn’t have made. But as President Uchtdorf so
eloquently reminded us, “Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you.” If
you don’t drink coffee, maybe you eat meat more often than in winter, cold, or
famine. Maybe you eat Hostess cupcakes instead of herbs, fruits, and grains. Maybe
you drink alcohol sometimes. Maybe you smoke. Maybe you stay up too late and sleep
in too long (nah, you’ve never done that).
What matters ultimately is the promise at the end of
Doctrine and Covenants 89:
18 And all saints who remember to keep and do these sayings,
walking in obedience to the commandments, shall receive health in their navel
and marrow to their bones;
19 And shall find
wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures;
20 And shall run and
not be weary, and shall walk and not faint.
21 And I, the Lord,
give unto them a promise, that the destroying angel shall pass by them, as the
children of Israel, and not slay them. Amen.
I think these verses speak for themselves. As with any
commandment we choose not to obey, we’re simply depriving ourselves of
blessings. We know that when we make sacrifices to improve ourselves and our
spirituality, we are blessed. Please rest assured that I know that. I don’t need
you to be concerned with my decisions, or the sometimes complicated reasons why I make them.
I’m in a very good place right now spiritually. My faith is
strong. My gratitude is high. I make a lot of good decisions—mostly good, I
think. I believe the Lord is proud of me and how far I’ve come recently,
however weak I may be in some areas.
Maybe you have some serious, invisible struggles. Maybe you
have smaller, visible ones. Whatever things you do struggle with, trust that
the Lord will bless you as you try to overcome them—if or when you decide you
want to receive more blessings. And know that, unless it comes from a place of genuine love and
concern, I do not consider it my place to ask you about them. I don’t have to
know.
Comments
I am also a crazy abuser of caffeine in the form of poisonous Diet Soda. Yes, I've read studies going both ways. Yes, I need to drink more water. Yes, I still drink it pregnant. No, I don't believe I'm breaking the Word of Wisdom, but if I am - sorry? I really don't think something that small is worth judging my salvation over. That being said - would I let something as small and silly as my diet soda keep me from the Celestial Kingdom? No Way! And if it ever comes down to that I can and will change the habit.
The Word of Wisdom is being broken by overweight, unhealthy Mormon moms everywhere. The GAs could never say something so offensive, but it's true. We are supposed to eat healthy foods, get exercise, take care of our bodies. That huge soccer mom in my ward abuses food way more than you or I abuse caffeine. I'd never say anything to her. I'd never say she's a bad Mormon for that. But if we're gonna look at and judge every facet of every commandment - step on up, fat Mormon moms!
I like that you recognize your guilt. And unfortunately we have to accept that fact that every human being performs judgments every second of every day. We can't control that, and we can't act affronted when they see us/our actions and make a conclusion. They are accountable for those judgments and deductions, not us.
And as you so succinctly put it - I don't have to know. :)
"Jesus went unto the mount of Olives.
And early in the morning he came again into the temple, and all the people came unto him; and he sat down, and taught them.
And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst,
They say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.
Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?
This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not.
So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.
And again he stooped down, and wrote on the ground.
And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst." John 8:7
How true is it of the people of today? I always pray I will never be a person who looks down on another no matter what their sin is. Who am I to look down on anyone when I too have sinned great? I have been forgiven of much. Our job is not to judge, that belongs to the Lord. Jesus was constantly rebuking the Pharisees and Sadducees (the "Religious" people of His day for this very thing. The very people who put Him on the cross and condemned Him also.) When we look down on others, how will that win people to Christ? No, it's the unconditional love and kindness of Christ being formed in us, that allows us to pick up people when they are down; to lift them up, brush them off, reminding them that when they continue to look towards Jesus, sin and hopelessness fades away in the Light of His truth and love. We are called to love.
Thanks for sharing and I just wanted to let ya know that I love my Nae Nae! Big HUGS!!!