Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Workout Wednesday: Real Talk--Gross Health Food

I have a bone to pick with the health world—healthy bloggers and Instagrammers and other people with a large following due to their healthy missions.

I’m afraid that the people who have made a habit of eating healthily have also lost their ability to taste food accurately. Don’t get me wrong, I love healthy eating. Vegetables are my favorite, and I usually don’t even need any kind of dipping sauce or seasonings to enjoy them.

The problem, I think, is mostly in relation to dessert. If you know me, you know I love cake, cookies, brownies, ice cream, shakes, and sweets in general.

You also probably know my favorite cookies are oatmeal coconut chocolate chip cookies. They’re made with (shh, don’t judge me) butter flavored shortening, brown and white sugar, flour, and all those things that make junk food junky. I love them. They’re delicious and flaky and fatty and so good.

It seems only natural that it would be difficult to find healthy alternatives that taste “just as good.” I think it goes without saying that if I were to substitute the white flour with oat flour, coconut flour, or almond flour, the consistency of the cookie would change entirely. It would be denser and not hold together very well. Replacing butter or shortening with coconut oil isn’t always so bad, but it’s just not doable in this recipe, or most of them, for that matter. It’s not.

Time and time again, I try to make “clean” recipes to no avail. Some I can read and just tell are disgusting, so I don’t even need to try them. Take, for example, all of these “healthy ice cream” recipes that consist of blending a frozen banana. Um, are you kidding? I don’t want BANANA flavored ice cream. That is nasty. I don’t care what any health nut says, when you use bananas to make something, that taste basically takes over the entire thing. I even ventured once to try Halo Top ice cream, which has these amazing macro counts to make ice cream a little less guilty. It was gross. The texture was gross (unless you’re into eating chalk, then give it a try). The taste was gross. Did I mention that the “healthy” ice cream was gross? Give me the Haagen Dazs at once.

In all honesty, I’ve made very few “clean” dessert recipes that were actually delicious (exception: peanut butter cookies by @jazzythings with almond flour and a ton of peanut butter—so good, even Patrick thought so). I’ve made baked (coconut!) oatmeal for breakfast and been super excited only to be let down by it. I’ve made flourless, oil-free cookies. I’ve done things egg-free. I’ve switched sugar to stevia and sugar to honey and sugar to coconut sugar. I’ve even seen people make “protein cookie dough,” and things. No. Just no. It is not the same as butter and sugar. It’s just not. Yesterday I made some baked pumpkin donuts. Nope. I’m telling you guys, for real, I’ve given many recipes a fair shot, and I will continue in search of one that is as yummy as it claims to be. 

In conclusion, I submit that after eating clean for a long enough time, all these health folks can no longer be the judge of any of these things that are supposedly “just as good as the real thing.” They need a normal junk food eater to be the judge of that. I volunteer as tribute. 

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