Tuesday, March 31, 2015

I Believe in Tissue

I feel like it's a simple, courteous thing to do--have tissue available to guests. I've felt this way for a long time, and had intended to write a blog about it.

What finally pushed me over the edge was something Gretchen Rubin said in her book The Happiness Project: "I'm suspicious of buying things with very specific uses--suit bags, hand cream, hair conditioner, rain boots, Kleenex (why not just use toilet paper to blow your nose?)."

Oh my gosh. Oh my GOSH! So many reasons Mrs. Rubin. So many!

Toilet paper is for wiping your butt, not your face. For crying out loud.

Don't tell me you've never been at somebody else's house and had a disaster. You know the kind I mean: a runny nose, or a stuffy nose, or--heaven forbid--a gnarly sneeze. Disaster can strike with less than a moment's warning (see video)! Then you have to frantically look for a tissue because your hand (or your corduroy sleeve, or wherever) is covered in snot and spit, only to realize that your hosts hold the belief that you should "just use toilet paper." Come on!

Now junior here has to run all the way to the bathroom like that. 

You know what? On your way to the bathroom to find the TOILET tissue, you should make sure to touch their bathroom doorknob and sink handles with your mucusy hand. That's what I think. Leave it there for 'em. Thanks a mill, friends! Have some germs, on me!

And don't even try to tell me you haven't gotten a dry, flaky noseterior when you're sick from using toilet paper to blow your nose. And napkins? Forget it. You may as well be wiping your nose with wood chips.

Maybe I'm alone in this, but I believe in tissue. I believe in tissue on the end table in the living room, and facial tissue in the bathroom! I believe in tissue with lotion for the protection of my tender nose. I believe in personal tissue packages from the Dollar Tree to keep in your purse. I shouldn't even have to explain that one to female church-goers. amiright?

And speaking of church-goers, I know you've been up on that pulpit at church and had to use that tissue before. What if the church thought, "Oh, you don't need tissue. You can just use toilet paper!"? Huh? What then? Then you're dripping all over that podium, fellas. You'd be sniffling your way through your testimony, and everyone would be distracted by your excessive liquids. See? Even the Lord believes in tissue.

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