Thursday, May 11, 2017

I Thought I Was a Cat Person

Growing up, my family had a lot of animals. Reptiles, fish, dogs, birds, rabbits, you name it. One thing my family did not love: cats. My parents weren't cat people. And then Shibbs showed up on our doorstep with his momma.

We loved Shibbs, and he loved us. I guess I thought this made me a cat person. But no. It just made me a Shibbs person.

Because back in September 2015, I adopted a cat. His name is Max. He's a bloody nightmare. Sweet. But super naughty and tragically needy.



I'm sure you all can take a stab as to why I picked a cat over a dog: not as needy. Doesn't care about your existence. Doesn't need walks. Doesn't bark. Doesn't need a yard. Could be left alone all day at home. Cleans itself. No picking up poop. Etc. Etc.

Sadly, Max doesn't fit any of your typical cat descriptors. Allow me to give a description of my cat and his behaviors (which you've likely seen on Snapchat or Instagram stories).
- He begs for food and stares at you while you eat
- He destroys and eats plants
- He scratched up the leather portion of my once perfect couch
- He jumps up on the counters and table and eats people food (Chicken I understand. But rice, people. He ate freaking rice.)
- He jumps on the fridge and on the highest cabinets
- He follows you even if you move just a few feet
- He loves to rub up against your legs constantly
- He stands behind you so you'll trip over him
- He walks directly in front of your line of motion so you kick him, and then he gets upset at you
- He chases you down the hallway
- If you're really lucky, he bites your ankles as he chases you down the hallway
- He rubs up on you constantly, especially when you're sweaty or wet so that his black hair gets stuck to you
- If you're not attentive enough, he will bite your knee--he'd rather be smacked than ignored
- He loves to rub up against your legs constantly
- He meows between 5 and 6am almost every day, but his favorite is on Saturdays
- He meows pretty much constantly
- He greets you at the door when you get home
- He loves anyone and everyone; he is not skittish
- He loses his toys under the oven or couch
- He runs outside but then gets afraid and upset and meows like he's dying
- He kicks poop out of his litter box (I clean it every day, so don't advise me)
- He loves to rub up against your legs constantly
- He once ate a roommate's drawstring and pooped it out while darting all over the house as it slowly emerged
- He once ate part of a raw packge of ground beef a roommate left out
- He leaves weird spots all over the couch; I'm not even sure I want to know what they're from
- He digs my blush brush out of my purse to play with and chew on (he's done this three times now)
- He will shove his head under your resting hand to force you to touch him
- He pretty much must be touched always if you are present
- He loves to rub up against your legs constantly
- He will crawl into any open door, cabinet, or cupboard
- He sheds a ton (I buy him expensive grain free food, so don't even start with that)
- He purrs loudly and readily
- He loves to rub up against bags and purses (and also get into them)
- He runs a little obstacle course every night, back and forth between the entryway and living room
- He has scratched up a brand new table I put underneath the window
- He gets paw marks all over the window
- He loves to rub up against your legs constantly
- He jumps into the kitchen windowsill if the blinds are up
- He jumps on your clean clothes as you're folding them
- He will try to jump into the dryer if it's open
- He does not think 3+ hours of snuggling is enough
- He tries to get in the fridge if it's open
- He loves to eat and tear up paper, especially tissue, and has gotten into the roommates' garbage a couple of times
- He has torn up a section of my carpet that apparently had a loose string
- Did I mention he loves to rub up against your legs constantly?

I seriously don't know why I still have this creature. He drives me absolutely insane. He honestly is fine to have around when he isn't being needy or naughty, but I'm not sure that occurs often enough for me to really appreciate his presence.

I know a lot of people really like needy cats and think this kind of excessive affection is cute. But I don't. Call me a heartless witch. I seriously don't know how much longer I can handle this guy. It's been almost two years, and while some things have gotten better, others have not. I feel guilty for keeping him when I know someone else would love to have his love. But I'd feel guilty getting rid of him because it's like a responsibility I accepted, so I feel like I'm facing the consequences. And I also feel like at this point I just have so much stress and damage invested, that it would have all been a waste if I give him away. I don't know if that makes any sense at all. It feels a lot like making excuses to stay in an abusive relationship. Does it sound that way to you?

Anyway, it should come as no surprise that the burden of cleaning a litter box is only icing on the cake when you have a cat like mine. So the best day of my month was the day I got this amazing thing:


A litter genie. I have hidden it in the utility closet next to his litter box. I no longer have to collect plastic bags or go to the trash every single day. I used it for the first time this morning, and it was awesome.

My other great animal investment was that $5 bed you see him sitting in above. It's on the couch and has really cut down on the amount of fur he leaves on my couch (not completely, but a lot).

I honestly do not know if I love this cat. I mean I think I'd be sad if he got lost or died. I'm pretty sure I would. Maybe. Mostly I find him incredibly obnoxious and only good company when I'm sick (which is like... never, so...). I know I need to devote more time to playing with him. But even when I do that regularly (or snuggle with him for HOURS), it's not enough. His behavior is the same. He makes me curse and yell about 5x more often than he makes me laugh. So I have pretty much resigned myself to a life of misery with the neediest creature that ever walked the earth.

Well, no matter what happens with this guy, at least now there is a blog entry devoted to his existence, so he's not like an omitted chapter of my life someday.

If anyone would like a super needy cat, let me know. Just kidding. But seriously...

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