Knowledge, Willingness, and Skills
Conversation Excerpt 1:
A: "I'm sorry. I should have come over tonight. I assumed from your texts that you were OK."
B: "Well, I wasn't OK. But I didn't communicate my needs to you, so I'm not upset with you."
A: "But I am apologizing anyway."
Conversation Excerpt 2:
A: "I was reading the Eight Dates book and realized that I'm not great at asking open-ended questions. I know relationships take work, and I'm willing to do that, but I feel like I sometimes don't try very hard. I want to be better."
B: "I appreciate that. Thank you."
These are both real bits of conversation between me and Matthew that occurred last night. I hope it doesn't surprise you to read that in both excerpts, he is person A.
He is reading the book. He is apologizing. He wants to do better.
I know it doesn't surprise anyone who knows me that I'm a self-help and relationship improvement junkie.
My favorite lectures (that changed my life at age 21) are from Dr. John Lund, called For All Eternity. I've sent them on to several people, and those who have chosen to invest the time have also told me how much the lectures have positively impacted their relationships.
In the lectures, Dr. Lund says that there has to be knowledge, willingness, and skills for a relationship to be successful. If only one person is willing to work, the relationship won't succeed. Knowing what to do is great, but knowing how to do it is important. Of course, learning and practicing skills won't happen if someone isn't willing.
I've done so much over the years to learn, relearn, and practice the skills needed for a healthy romantic relationship, and good relationships across the board.
I am by no means perfect, and I still have a long way to go.
One thing I struggle with is expressing my needs when I don't want to inconvenience someone, or when I feel like our needs contradict one another. For example, I very much wanted and needed Matthew yesterday. It was a hard day emotionally and physically for me. I was affected by the earthquakes in ways I didn't expect. And I'm carrying a lot of anxiety with all of the Corona business going on, of course.
And there's a part of me that's been independent for so long, that I tell myself, "I'm fine. I'll be OK." And I know that Matthew probably needs or wants time to himself. So I don't ask him to come see me. I'm afraid to be needy, and don't want to be a burden (thanks to a lifetime of societal female training, I am sure).
One thing I've learned and done well with over the years is to take ownership of my words and expectations. If I didn't ask Matthew to come over, how was he supposed to know that I wanted him to? He does not read minds. And if I don't communicate those things to him, then I don't allow myself to be upset with him. If I say nothing, it's on me, 100%.
The thing I love about last night's conversation is that Matthew apologized even though I wasn't upset, even though he didn't feel great, and even though he wasn't obligated (and hadn't committed) to come see me.
All of this is not to mention that he celebrated my run pace with me last night via text (I was pretty excited about it). He validates and sympathizes with my sometimes petty complaints; he is always on my side. He reassures me and comforts me when I struggle, instead of telling me I'm being too sensitive or dramatic. He tells me often that he loves me and wants to be with me.
Neither of us is perfect, but I love that we both have a desire to do and be better--that we are both willing to work, and that we're trying to gain knowledge and skills. I am grateful he's mine.
A: "I'm sorry. I should have come over tonight. I assumed from your texts that you were OK."
B: "Well, I wasn't OK. But I didn't communicate my needs to you, so I'm not upset with you."
A: "But I am apologizing anyway."
Conversation Excerpt 2:
A: "I was reading the Eight Dates book and realized that I'm not great at asking open-ended questions. I know relationships take work, and I'm willing to do that, but I feel like I sometimes don't try very hard. I want to be better."
B: "I appreciate that. Thank you."
These are both real bits of conversation between me and Matthew that occurred last night. I hope it doesn't surprise you to read that in both excerpts, he is person A.
He is reading the book. He is apologizing. He wants to do better.
I know it doesn't surprise anyone who knows me that I'm a self-help and relationship improvement junkie.
My favorite lectures (that changed my life at age 21) are from Dr. John Lund, called For All Eternity. I've sent them on to several people, and those who have chosen to invest the time have also told me how much the lectures have positively impacted their relationships.
In the lectures, Dr. Lund says that there has to be knowledge, willingness, and skills for a relationship to be successful. If only one person is willing to work, the relationship won't succeed. Knowing what to do is great, but knowing how to do it is important. Of course, learning and practicing skills won't happen if someone isn't willing.
I've done so much over the years to learn, relearn, and practice the skills needed for a healthy romantic relationship, and good relationships across the board.
I am by no means perfect, and I still have a long way to go.
One thing I struggle with is expressing my needs when I don't want to inconvenience someone, or when I feel like our needs contradict one another. For example, I very much wanted and needed Matthew yesterday. It was a hard day emotionally and physically for me. I was affected by the earthquakes in ways I didn't expect. And I'm carrying a lot of anxiety with all of the Corona business going on, of course.
And there's a part of me that's been independent for so long, that I tell myself, "I'm fine. I'll be OK." And I know that Matthew probably needs or wants time to himself. So I don't ask him to come see me. I'm afraid to be needy, and don't want to be a burden (thanks to a lifetime of societal female training, I am sure).
One thing I've learned and done well with over the years is to take ownership of my words and expectations. If I didn't ask Matthew to come over, how was he supposed to know that I wanted him to? He does not read minds. And if I don't communicate those things to him, then I don't allow myself to be upset with him. If I say nothing, it's on me, 100%.
The thing I love about last night's conversation is that Matthew apologized even though I wasn't upset, even though he didn't feel great, and even though he wasn't obligated (and hadn't committed) to come see me.
All of this is not to mention that he celebrated my run pace with me last night via text (I was pretty excited about it). He validates and sympathizes with my sometimes petty complaints; he is always on my side. He reassures me and comforts me when I struggle, instead of telling me I'm being too sensitive or dramatic. He tells me often that he loves me and wants to be with me.
Neither of us is perfect, but I love that we both have a desire to do and be better--that we are both willing to work, and that we're trying to gain knowledge and skills. I am grateful he's mine.
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