Our Breastfeeding Journey

Our breast-feeding journey has been really challenging. To say it has been emotional would be an understatement. It has been an insane roller coaster over the last month and four days. I want to document it because doing that helps me see everything that I have done and tried in this process. Writing it out helps me work through things. 

We took a lactation class before the baby was born. I knew that this journey could be hard. But I’ve had to learn so much along the way that I wish I had known ahead of time.

We were off to a pretty good start when he was born. He latched with the help of the midwife. But he did have a tongue tie that they said we should watch or monitor.

Baby was born early on Monday. My milk came in on Wednesday morning, much more quickly than I expected. In retrospect, I wish I had pumped, not understanding how ineffective his latch and suck were, and how it would affect my supply. Even if I had pumped, I was not adept at using it, and I did not have the proper flange sizes. The pump came with 24 and 28 mm flanges. 

On Wednesday, our midwives advised getting some donor milk. Matthew reached out to Brionna, who brought us some milk that same day, and then she sent some more a few days later. I am so grateful to her. 

On April 21, we had his lip and tongue ties revised via sterile scissors. His tongue tie was actually super extreme. It's possible he still needs it lasered. But I'd like to try latching without shields before we do that. 

After having a lactation consultant come over on April 22, when he was four days old ($200), she told me to get a 21 mm flange. This was a guess on her part. I wish she had told me to measure. I ordered that size; it did not come until April 24, and it was still too big ($11.31).

She instructed us to use a supplemental nursing system (SNS) either having him suck on our finger or have him on the breast with the tube in his mouth. This thing was a lot of trouble with midnight feedings, especially with Matthew being super sick. We had to wake him up at 2:30 to feed him to help him gain weight. After a few days of use, the SNS broke.

I texted the lactation consultant the next morning after she came over. I told her that the midnight feeding (for his weight gain) was too difficult. We couldn’t get him to latch without hurting me. And he had 30+ minutes of gas before he would even latch. All of it together just was too much.

That day, April 23 I was able to pick up a 20 mm flange from somebody in the neighborhood, and she let me use her pumpin pals silicone kits. But I did not have the time or energy to figure those out. I have since tried these a couple of times, and have not really seen a difference other than comfort.

My sister-in-law came over in the evening of April 23 and asked if we had tried a bottle. I was worried because we still had not gotten him to latch very well, and I didn’t want the bottle to make him not want to nurse. But we did a bottle, and he downed it in like three minutes. I was a little worried because I wanted him to breastfeed. That night, my friend Mariah brought some frozen breastmilk and some bottles for us to use. Mariah had been sick, and her supply took a hit. So her sacrifice was huge. 

I texted the lactation consultant that evening to ask her about the bottle. I also told her I was pumping a lot, but not getting much at all, and that my breasts were not filling up like they had before. She said it would take two or three days of pumping before I would see an increase. She asked us to use the Dr. Brown’s bottle, and do paced feeding. 

For weeks, our routine has been to nurse (with a shield) both sides, feed him a bottle, and pump 10-15 minutes after. This is an hour long ordeal, depending on how efficient I can be. When he has to eat every 2-3 hours, you can imagine that I'm limited with my remaining time. Will he nap? How long? What can I do in that time frame? Should I start something, not knowing if I'll be done when he gets up? How fast can I eat right now? 

On April 24, I met with my midwife. I told her about my frustrations in breastfeeding. She had me try nipple shields again and nurse him using the koala hold. We had a really great nursing session at the Birth Center. I was so grateful. The midwives had already given me nipple shields, but I think I was just trying to get him to latch without it, and forgotten about the shields an option because of the lactation consultant. I understand the logic, since I don’t think he can create the best demand with a shield. But also, having him feed on me with a shield is better than not at all.

With Matthew sick and us both drowning, I had my mom come over on Sunday night. She kept the baby, and I got a stretch of sleep.

I sent a text to the consultant on Monday, April 25 with a photo of the new flange. She said it was still too big. I ordered some 17 mm silicone inserts ($16.07), and they came on April 26. (I think they are too small.) My supply seemed to dip that day, after my mom stayed the night. I spent a lot of time blaming myself, thinking that having him two rooms away for over six hours is what caused the dip. How dare I sleep.

I pumped a lot on April 25, and April 26. But reported to my consultant that I was not getting much.

It was April 27 that I started a supplement regimen with fenugreek and blessed thistle. Doing these along with antibiotics was actually really challenging. My consultant advised that I get some moringa instead of fenugreek. She said fenugreek could have the opposite effect in some women, but I took it anyway. I had my mom get me some Moringa and some Goats Rue.

That same day, I let the consultant know that AJ was falling asleep at the breast. She said it could be due to lack of milk flow. It was at that point that I felt super discouraged and kind of done with that consultant. I asked her how much a follow up would be. She said $175. 

It’s probably relevant to include at this point, that I did not get paid on May 5 (or May 20) because I had not properly completed the short-term disability paperwork. Matthew is commission based, not salary. So funds are and were incredibly tight. This journey has not been cheap, along with craniosacral therapy and chiropractic adjustments for the baby.

On April 28 I texted a few other consultants. I found one close by who was much more reasonably priced. I was able to meet with her on April 29 ($109).

April 29 I met with the new consultant. She was super nice, but wanted me to pump more than I already was. I resigned myself to just doing what I can. That evening I was able to pick up a manual pump from somebody in Millcreek. I thought maybe the manual would work better than the electric. I ordered a 19 mm flange and some goats rue ($39.10).

April 30, the new 19mm flanges came, and they still seemed too big. I stuck with them and still use them sometimes because my nipples swell when I pump. I drove to West Jordan to pick up some donor milk from a generous soul who pumped while her baby was in NICU. 

By May 2, AJ was almost back up to his birthweight, 6lb 8oz, just 2 ounces away. That was encouraging! Our efforts were amounting to something.

On May 6, my upstairs neighbor brought me some milky Mama Lactation treats. I added those to the regimen. I got blood work done to see if my thyroid medication needed to be adjusted. 

After May 5, I started having oatmeal every day in the morning. I had been eating it some mornings, but not consistently. 

May 8 my friend suggested cutting out the midnight bottle feeding and maybe some of baby’s bottles if he had reached birth weight. I asked the lactation consultant if that would be ok. In retrospect, stopping bottles wouldn’t have been the right move since he’s still under weight. We have stopped midnight feedings, and he sleeps like a champ from 11-5:30 most nights. I did stop giving him a bottle after our first morning feed where I know he’s getting a lot. But I haven't eliminated any more bottles. 

On May 9, I ordered a supplement from Legendairy milk. My doctor bumped my thyroid medication back down. I hoped being on the right dose might help things and was feeling encouraged. 

On May 11, I read about the importance of night feedings or pumps for milk supply, and how skipping them could really hurt supply--another failure on my part. So I’ve been getting up at 2:30 or 3:00am every night since then. How nice those 5 and 6 hour stretches were, and how I regret them. I wish I had gotten up to pump or feed him sooner.

On May 12 I had Matthew pick up an infant scale from a KSL seller so I could keep track of his weight gain.

May 13 I ordered 18mm flange inserts that came on May 15. These are the ones I have been using. I think this size is too small for my left side. But my left side swells up in the 19mm flange. I had another generous surprise this day when my friend Kelsey had her sister in law drop off some of her frozen milk for us to use. So many good, generous friends in my life. 

May 14 I got a milk blister. It hurt terribly.

May 15 I was doing some research about dark beer and lactation. I looked at nonalcoholic milk stout options. They are all pretty pricey, so I have held off. I heard it was the brewer’s yeast that made the difference so I explored that some more.

On May 16 I ordered brewer’s yeast online in the morning for lactation cookies ($12). I had a Guinness in the late afternoon just to see if it worked, before making cookies. I waited two hours after drinking it before feeding the baby. My breasts were full pretty quickly, but my baby did not seem to be satisfied that night, and he was a little fussy.

May 17 I spilled my pumped or collected milk three times that day. I met with the lactation consultant again ($50). He gained an ounce from me while we were there. I left there very tearfully, as my baby had not gained enough weight since his last check, averaging only 1/3 of an ounce per day instead of the minimum 1/2 ounce goal. And that’s with donor milk supplementing what I give him. Not being able to provide for my baby has been so heartbreaking. It was a hard, hard day. 

May 18 I made lactation cookies. They were a lot of work and really crumbly. My Legendairy supplement came.

May 19 I started taking the new supplement while finishing up my other ones. I thought I could feel a difference at least in how full my breasts were getting. I watched some hand expression videos in hopes it would help, since Legendairy said this can be a game changer for some women, especially done before and right when baby comes (once again something I wish I had known).

May 20 I tried hand expressing but found it hurt and made me sore.

I realized on May 21 that I probably should not suction on my Haakaa while the baby was eating on the first side. I think it was draining my breast before he even got a chance to feed from it. So I’ve tried to stop doing that. It has cut down on what I am collecting, but hopefully increases what the baby gets from me.

It probably goes without saying that I have also been trying to eat enough and hydrate this entire time; I’ve used Body Armor drinks, vitamin water, and liquid IV. I know that nothing helps milk supply like creating demand. I have continued to pump after his feedings as much as I can. Most days it’s five pumps, other days it’s 4 or 6. But I have truly been doing the best I can in this regard. I’ve tried pumping right after. I’ve tried pumping an hour after. I’ve tried it all.

I have tried 30 minute power pumping sessions because one hour sessions are really hard to squeeze in when he eats so often, and I have to feed him a bottle and pump after every feeding. This is one of the things I feel like I should add in, but I am already struggling with my current effort level. And if I skip a nursing session, we have to use donor milk which makes me nervous to run out.

I do breast compressions while I pump and while he eats, which I think helps drain me better and helps him stay sucking actively. But I haven’t noticed improved supply.

I have tried to learn hand expression, but I think it is harder than it looks, and it made me sore after the first day I tried.

I try to think positive thoughts of abundance when it comes to my body and my milk supply. I don't know that it's working, because I don't know how much my son gets from me at each feeding. I only see what I pump, which is rarely to replace a feeding. 

I have watched a bunch of highlights on Legendairy’s page while I’ve pumped. I have tried to implement a lot of what they suggest. I watched a one hour Instagram live a few days ago about common latching problems. I’ve read a billion articles trying to learn and see what’s normal.

Part of me wants to stop now and just do formula at least part time; I feel like it would be good for my mental health. But the formula shortage makes me feel even more pressure to continue trying everything I can.

I don’t get more than 1.75-2oz in a midnight pump. At this point, that’s the amount I should be able to pump AFTER he eats. And if I replace a feeding with a pump, I should be closer to 3-4oz. I’ve never collected close to that amount, and rarely even get a half ounce when I pump after he eats.

Power pumping consistently and trying to practice latching without shields are basically the last things I feel like I need to try. But even Legendairy says that some women have to power pump for two weeks before they notice a difference. I can't see how this is feasible for me right now. My whole day revolves around feeding my baby. I am having to make the choice between eating, napping (rarely the choice), showering, or going on a walk. 

Knowing that he needs more food, wanting to make every possible effort to increase my supply, and being anxious about burning through the donor milk are all weighing heavily on me all the time. It has been an incredibly emotional struggle, wanting to think positively instead of focusing on the ways that my body is inadequate. 

Documenting my efforts and expenses doesn't even scratch the surface. It doesn't capture the tears I've shed, the sleep I've lost, and the heartache I feel at not being able to provide for my baby. 

One of the things that made me nervous to have kids was my tendency to look at what else I could be doing, and always seeing how I am falling short. This is definitely the case with breast-feeding. While I look back on the last month and see how hard I have been trying, it still does not feel like enough. I feel like maybe there are some more things I should try. But also, with the shortage, there is not a safe place to land when I am tired of trying.

I don’t know where I go from here, but I wanted to get my thoughts out so I could start to feel like my efforts have been enough. Maybe in therapy on Tuesday we can talk about why this is so important to me. I think it's always just felt like the natural choice--with all the benefits of breastfeeding, and the bonding between mom and baby, plus just cost efficiency. It's just always been what I've wanted to do. To have it not work out the way I hoped is harder than I imagined it would be, along with the added pressure/stress of the formula shortage. 

I can only imagine what mothers did without the resources we have today, like formula, lactation consultants, shields, etc. If this were happening a century or two ago, my baby probably would have had to have a wet nurse, or he wouldn't survive. It's humbling and heartbreaking to me to think about. 

I could probably ramble forever, but I am so grateful that my body is making SOMETHING. I know that some moms don't make anything. So I will take what I can get. And I'm grateful for the sweet moments feeding my sweet baby, who doesn't care that there's not a lot of milk, and doesn't care how slowly it comes out. I won't take these moments for granted.