Monday, November 30, 2009

I Feel Ugly

This fabulous thing called PMS really does make me wonder what I'm genuinely stressed about. It amplifies everything, and so I don't know if I'm actually really depressed, or if I'd normally shrug these things off more easily.

In any case, today has been rough. I'm still sick, and I'm tired of being sick.

I read through my students' evaluations of my teaching. And most of them think I need to be nicer and be fair to everyone. They also think I am boring and don't make learning interesting. That's not to discount the portion of students who really enjoy me, my teaching, and my class. But I suppose it's a talent of mine to focus on the negative.

I have a hard time connecting with people on my needed level. It's important for me to feel understood and heard and appreciated. And it's hard for me to feel that. So while I may have friends, I still spend most of my time feeling extremely alone and disconnected.

I really miss home. I miss California. I miss my perfect weather and sunshine which I got to enjoy for the last four days. I wish I could still be there. I cried on the way to the airport last night and didn't let my parents see. But there's even less for me there than there is here, I guess.

I've realized I'm not happy unless I'm taking care of someone else. There was a recent possibility of my being able to do that, but no more. Life feels lesser to me when I'm not able to care for or love somebody. It's harder to find happiness and fulfillment. Lyrics of the moment: All at Once by The Fray.

I've also realized I'm not happy unless I have someone who cares for me and every little thing I care about. I love what I do. I like getting up for work every day. But when I have no one to share my joy with, or who feels proud of my accomplishments, I feel like everything's just not as good.

I feel ugly, inside and out. I am sad that my students think I am unkind and impatient. I am sad to be alone. I am sad to be imperfect at everything and not knowing where to start. I am sad not to be in California. I am sad.

I guess I need to write some things I'm thankful for.

I'm thankful for repentance. What other way could I make myself feel better? And what other way could I try to fix these downfalls my students have noticed about me, which I have also noticed about me? My Lord and Savior can help me, if I work hard enough to change.

I'm thankful for thoughtful friends. Amazing Stephanie brought me some soup and Zinc tonight because I am still sick. I am currently still full, but I am most looking forward to eating that soup. It meant so much to me that she'd stop by when I'm feeling so alone.

I'm thankful for my calling. Hopefully the activity this Wednesday will be what somebody needs in their week.

I'm thankful for Christmas decorations. I put up lights today and a couple other decorations. My roommates bought new stockings and also made some decorations. It's fun and festive, and I'm hoping that focusing on our twinkling lights will lift my spirits a little bit.

I'm thankful for my fifth period who left me a "get well soon" card on my desk today when I went to get papers after school. It made me smile for a couple minutes and meant a lot to me.

I'm thankful for writing and prayer and scriptures--the things that make me feel better.

3 comments:

Kirsten said...

Janae, you are awesome! I admire you so much! I always think about how much you are able to accomplish and do for other people, how smart you are, and how kind and full of integrity you are. It's so awesome that you are teaching and helping others, and not still stuck in school. You stuck to your goals and got through. Life has only just begun, sister, and it's gonna be great! I know it's more fun when it comes from a sweetheart, but I hope some genuine appreciation from a friend helps!

Cara said...

Get better so I can come back to your classroom! When I had my 276 class one of the high school teachers says that the best thing middle school teachers could do to help kids is to not baby them too much. She said that when they get to high school they expect the teacher to cater to their every need. I think you're doing a really good job of having high expectations of your kids and helping them to be more responsible.

makarios said...

Hi girl,

You don't know me and I don't know you but Jesus knows who we are, and that is cool beyond measure.

Reading your post has made me think of my youngest daughter so much, she is your age, and I'm old and I feel ugly too; not just one day but all days, I feel ugly and I don't have PMS, I feel ugly and I don't teach kids, I feel ugly and I don't have a Christmas tree; we have something in common, at least just for today, we both feel ugly.

If you have the Spirit of God inside of you, that makes you my sister, and that makes you beautiful; and we both are going to another world someday; a world of beauty, a painless world; we are not from this place, that's why we feel ugly.

Your Lord and Savior will help you regardless, even if you don't try to get better on your own; you are a work of art, a precious possession of the King, you are a daughter of heaven, chosen before the foundation of the world and nothing can separate you from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus; nothing will stand in the way of you fulfilling your destiny: glory with God forever.

Read Ephesians chapter one, you were created for the praise of His glory; and your inheritance is waiting. You are loved.