Our Approach Matters
I want to submit some questions and ideas for your consideration.
- When have you ever changed your mind about something?
- When you did change your mind, was it someone else who changed your mind? Or was it in your own due time?
- If someone did influence you changing your thoughts about something, what was their approach?
- Were they “face palming”?
- Did they say, "OMG" or "SMH" or "LMAO"?
- Did they tell you, “You’re wrong”?
- Did they tell you to “check your privilege”?
- Did they tell you, “You make me laugh”?
- Did they call you ignorant?
- Did they call you, “honey” or “sweetie”?
- Did they repost some passive quotation or meme that implied something about you?
My guess is that if someone did change your mind or got you to consider another view, it probably wasn’t done in any of the above ways.
Humans are naturally defensive. We put on armor when someone “comes at us.” We believe so strongly about things that we often have trouble understanding another perspective.
I’ve seen a lot of debate lately over a lot of topics (systemic racism, all COVID topics, etc.). Sadly, a lot of “discussion,” isn’t really respectful, and there’s little (if any) effort by one side to understand the other.
I’ve always felt very strongly that our approach matters. Humans are complex creatures with a yearning for connection and understanding, and a strong aversion to shame.
How, then, does anyone expect to “make” others understand their side by doing any of the above things? When did it become more important to "win" than to treat others with dignity?
Sadly, I can’t make anyone see how much better their lives would be if they
- Exercised regularly
- Ate enough vegetables
- Ate more protein
- Got plenty of sleep
- Practiced gratitude
- Practiced meditation
- Invested in coaching/accountability
- Went to counseling/therapy
- (insert any other awesome habit here)
But I can set an example. I can ask what goals someone has. I can be understanding about which health-related habits they struggle with. I can ask "why" they want or don't want something. I cannot make them change or choose differently.
In an effort to “convince” other people of an idea or a concept, all we can do is be loving and understanding and accepting. Rejecting someone for how they think or feel isn’t going to convince them to join your cause. Unconditional love and acceptance, though—that’s powerful stuff.
Other tools we can use:
- Listen.
- Listen more carefully.
- Ask questions.
- Ask more questions.
- Restate for clarity: “If I am understanding correctly, you’re saying _____” or “you believe ____”
- Ask: “Have you ever considered ____?” (careful with the phrasing/tone of this one)
- Ask: “What have you seen/read/experienced that makes you think/feel/believe _____?”
- Empathize: “I felt that same way when ____”
- Empathize: “I understand you feeling ____ about ____”
- Share: “When I saw/read/experienced ____, it made me realize ____.”
- Give examples and evidence.
- Use “I” statements: “When you wrote ___ in your post, I felt ____ because ____.”
- Communicate privately, in person, or via message, but not publicly in comments.
- Communicate love and acceptance, regardless of a difference in views.
The Gottman Institute posted recently on Instagram: Four Steps to Practice Empathy
- Listen without judgment
- Look for feelings
- Sit in the feeling with them
- Summarize and validate
The Gottman Institute also says that “Understanding must precede advice.” This holds true for basically anything. (Refer to the nail in the forehead video that went around a while back.) They posted on May 19 for speaker and listener roles:
- Awareness
- Tolerance
- Transforming criticisms into wishes
- Understanding
- Non-defensive listening
- Empathy
The first three are “speaker” roles, and the last three are “listener” roles. Something to keep in mind as you get into heated discussions.
The Gottman Institute posted on April 27 about the Four Horsemen in relationships which are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. And I have to say I see a lot of the first three going on in public discussions on social media. To what end? Will being critical, contemptuous, or defensive, convince anyone that you are “right”? (See April 21 Instagram post for antidotes to these four horsemen.)
[Here’s an article] from the Gottman blog about six skills of conflict management. It’s geared toward married couples, but I think it applies to conflict across the board. And if you’ve seen me get in any discussions on my own Facebook page, you’ve probably seen me accept influence, try to make repairs and de-escalate, and compromise.
There are so many resources out there on how to communicate better, how to have respectful (difficult) conversations, and how to empathize.
Overall, I think in these troubled times that we need to practice more love and understanding and be a little more patient with people whose views are different from our own—yes, even when it’s a deeply held core belief of yours. Ask more questions. Be gentler. Let’s be careful not to name call, or reject people who think differently, even if it’s clear they probably have a lot to learn. Our getting upset and outraged is a detriment to our health. It’s also bad for our relationships, and it’s unhelpful to whatever your cause may be.
Also: I don’t say any of this on a high horse. I still get more worked up than I should. I still hyper-focus on proving my point. I don’t handle every situation the way that my “higher self” would like to. But I am working on it, and I feel like if we all worked on it, the world could be a little better. Just know that if we disagree on anything (major or minor), I still love you and I still like you and welcome your thoughts.
Let’s all challenge ourselves to value our relationships more than our egos. Because when life comes to an end, we probably won’t remember a hostile online argument, but we will probably be proud and happy that we showed others love, kindness, patience, acceptance, and understanding, even when it was really, really hard.
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