The Best I Can

I’ve had a lot of foot in mouth moments in my life. Like, a lot of them. 

I’ve had times where I’ve done the wrong thing and hurt people. I have the specifics in my brain from childhood and adolescence—things I have long since apologized for but still feel bad about. Especially fresh are my offenses in adulthood; I remember forever the times people are upset with me. 

In my own personal life, I put a lot of weight on people’s intentions. And I try to remind myself that people are doing the best they can (a philosophy shared by Brené Brown). Sometimes that’s really hard to remember, maybe more so with some people than others. I try to give a lot of grace up front because I know I’ve required a lot of grace from others in my life. 

But in the end, whether or not your intention was to hurt someone, people’s perception is their reality. So I’ve always tried to err on the side of seeing my own mistakes and apologizing, sometimes before I even know if offense was taken.

Sometimes I don’t know that offense was taken, but I find out later I’ve hurt someone. I feel especially awful at those times. Hurting those I love hurts my heart, even if I didn’t mean to, or meant something totally different than what was perceived. 

I like to think that my close friends or longest relationships give me the benefit of a doubt, that they know my heart and my intentions. I’m sure people have quietly forgiven me more times than I will ever know about. And I’m so thankful for it.

I recently acted in a way that reflected poorly on my character. It upset a friend, and she told me weeks later. I have apologized for it and feel bad about it. I’ve learned from it, as I try to do with all of my mistakes. This particular mistake I made wasn’t directed at her specifically, and certainly wasn’t something I did maliciously. But I guess I don’t get to decide how big or bad a mistake was. I definitely don’t get to decide how it makes others feel, and I don’t get to decide how readily I should be forgiven. 

This caused this friend to focus on our many differences—differences that have existed our whole lives. I genuinely feel that in recent years especially, our differences have been to my benefit. I have learned a lot from her perspective and point of view. I feel that everyone can add value to our lives in some way, especially those with different life experiences and perspectives. 

I like to think I’m a good listener. I try to have empathy. I try to add value. I try to share my own experiences vulnerably, to build connection. I have a lot of weaknesses as a friend, I know. But I am trying my best.

Sadly, it seems that this friend feels safer and happier at a distance, at least for now. And in spite of my apology, she has said she “just needs to process.” 

That hurts my heart. Maybe I am just wired differently, but to me, everyone comes to the table—comes into our lives—with good and bad, strengths and weaknesses, and with my friends, I try to do less processing and more understanding. I am friends with good people who have good hearts, and just like me, any one of them can be a pain in the ass on occasion; we all misstep. But because I know their heart, know their intentions, I can accept an apology, know that they add way more to my life than a single instance of subpar action, and move forward. I actually wrote a post about this years ago.

It makes me really sad that I’ve given a longtime friend a reason to step back, and a reason to question our friendship, and that I haven’t given her enough value or substance that she has so much to process after one of my missteps. I’d like for all of my friends, but especially long-term ones, to have a much easier time knowing my heart, assuming that I am doing the best I can, and forgiving me. 

But I also know I’m always going to fall short. And I believe in respecting the boundaries people set. So I’ll follow the Four Agreements and try to be impeccable with my word, not take anything personally, not make assumptions, and always do my best. 

The only thing I can control in life is myself. So I'll keep trying to assume that everyone is doing the best they can, hope the same grace is returned to me, and be grateful when it is.