Sunday, December 6, 2015

A Summary of My Life

(Disclaimer: Please don't take this post as me being negative or ungrateful. I have so many blessings in my life, so many simple comforts and conveniences, and so many supportive friends and family. I have my health, and that's so important. I am grateful, always. Just struggling. And I'm just reviewing the past few months in brief.)

I have a lot of blog ideas typed into my phone but figured I would need to write some kind of catch up or summary post. I've actually intentionally avoided blogging because of how many things have happened in the last few months. But here goes.

You already knew Patrick and I had been house hunting. I closed on my condo on July 7--financially it was all in my name. We couldn't go in to the condo for a while after closing, as a courtesy to the sellers who still needed a place to stay. It was pretty horrific when we finally got in. It took us over a week to clean it completely. I could write an entire post about that. Maybe I will.

Patrick moved in pretty quickly, like July 18, and worked on projects throughout the condo. He only ended up being in it for maybe a month.

As most of you know, we sent out our wedding announcements on July 28. Then on July 29 I found out some very surprising and heartbreaking things--life shattering things. As I got more information over the following 24 hours, I was quickly able to decide that there wouldn't be a wedding. Obviously, I could go on and on about this. I could give details. I could make others look bad. But I won't because I've grown up in the past seven years and realized people can and will make assumptions, and I don't need to be tacky and air other people's dirty laundry on the Internet.

I've been in hard situations before and haven't dealt or responded very well with what happened. But I will say that this time, I think I've carried myself very well. Granted, I felt like I was going to die. And I was upset and bitter and all kinds of things. But I never called names. I never was degrading. I never yelled.

I'm not trying to pat myself on the back here. I'm trying to recognize growth. I feel bad at how I've reacted in the past in other ugly situations. I wish I had been more composed and rational. I guess the difference this time is that I knew I'd survive, and I knew I didn't want to feel bad later for my cutting words.

I had searched all summer long for jobs. I had applied and redone my resume, and written so many cover letters I can't even count. But I guess nobody wanted me, and it's probably a good thing. Because on July 28 at 11 at night, I texted my principal and asked if my position was still open. He texted the next morning saying it was, but that I should apply online just in case, and the posting was set to close the next day. So this was a huge blessing--now being single in a financially difficult position and having resigned from my job in July. You've figured out that I got my job back, and it's been my roughest year of teaching in five years. But I'm trying to have a good attitude about it.

My summer wasn't relaxing since I spent the whole thing planning a wedding that didn't happen, and looking for jobs. Going back into teaching after not having a break has been really rough. I escaped home to Glendora for a couple of days before the school year started. That helped a little bit. I got to go to the beach, albeit alone.

Since we broke things off at the end of July, Patrick stayed in the condo for another couple of weeks to finish up projects and other things that needed to be done. He didn't want to leave me with the burden of unfinished things. He moved out on August 14, found himself a room for rent around the corner, and got a storage unit for his stuff. I moved in on August 15.

I made a posting for roommates on an LDS housing group on Facebook. He was still around finishing projects while people came to look. We kept it amiable and not awkward for the girls who came to look. He even helped me pick which ones he thought I'd like. So at the end of August I had two girls move in to the extra rooms in my house.

He helped me put up some decorations in my living room on Labor Day, after my grandma took me to Hobby Lobby to get some stuff. It makes a huge difference. After that, we didn't see each other for eight weeks, and only messaged on Sundays. Sundays are always the hardest days.

We've seen each other a handful of times in the past few months. We had a sushi making class. Once was for Home Depot and home repair assistance he gave me, plus to buy me a new laptop. Another time was for him to drop off a new FitBit for me. We went for dessert once.

It's been hard. I can't lie and say it's been easy. It hasn't. I've been weak and texted him, even after saying I wouldn't. I haven't really moved on, and I don't know if I've seriously tried. Because I don't really have the hope that anything will ever work out for me. He has started getting out there and meeting women. And that's good for him. He actually signed up on a dating website just a few weeks after we were broken up (which I might have freaked out about). He told me last night that the more he thinks about it, the more he believes everything happened for a reason, because I would have been unhappy in our marriage.

I hope I can just focus on the fact that he said that, the next million times I'm tempted to text him or tell him I miss him.

In November, I did National Novel Writing Month, or NaNoWriMo. I ended up with over 55 thousand words by November 30. It was a good experience, and I'm glad I did it. I added even more to it this morning (hence my last post).

I've been working on building up my Beach Body business in the past couple of months. Having just ended an engagement, I jumped into the 21 Day Fix  during August as planned because I felt I owed it to myself. I lost five pounds doing it, and felt awesome and proud that I did it. If you need help or want a program, let me know! And as I said on Friday, I am in the process of starting my personal trainer certification.

In September, I completed a Beach Body Coach Training boot camp sort of thing to improve my knowledge and abilities as a coach. I took four classes on t-shirt cutting. And I got a hair cut.

I constantly try to stay busy, challenge myself, and become better because that's who I am. But sometimes I feel like I just want to give up on everything. I'm tired of being the girl who has to be strong. I am ready for things to just work out for me for once. And right now it's impossible for me to think that they will.

I've decided that sometimes, good people finish last.

1 comment:

Linda Nowlin said...

Hi Janae,

Just checking up on you. WOWZA! You have been through a LOT! If you ever need to just chill in the warm desert, you come right on down to Phoenix and we'll climb some trails in the mountains! Nothing like a desert vista to make you realize there are all kinds of possibilities out there for YOU! As you know, what doesn't break you (and nothing will) makes you stronger. Small comfort I'm sure as you're back in the classroom teaching (no harder work ANYWHERE!)this year, but you are making plans and moving in another direction, hopefully one that will bring you joy and peace. I'm sorry things didn't work out for the wedding, but there is another plan for you. Isn't that EXCITING! You don't even know what it is yet! I'm proud of the way you held your tongue and are still processing what happened. There is a book I'd like to recommend to you. Take it or leave it, but I think you'll be hooked by the introduction. Title: Against An Infinite Horizon by Ronald Rolheiser. It is a book that has brought me a lot of comfort when seeminly NOTHING was working out as planned. Love to you! Linda