Be Who You Want to Be
Human nature is funny, and so terribly frustrating.
Because of the way our brains works, we like to compartmentalize, simplify, and put boxes around things. This includes people, unfortunately. Stereotypes abound because it is easier to think of people as part of a group of some kind. And stereotypes exist for a reason, of course. Culture is real! You learn this when you visit a different family, church, or country, or even a different region of one country!
While our brain function makes life easier to understand and comprehend, it also can be harmful for our relationships with others.
You probably have people who entered and exited your life within a certain period. Think of teachers you had for nine months of school and never saw again, or friends you had in clubs or in certain years of school. You'll forever be a kid, teenager, or college student to them. If you see them years later, after considerable change and life experience, you're still likely to have a perception you already formed about them, no matter how long ago it was. Those 8th graders I taught are all still squirrely disrespectful turds. Period.
But when I was teaching, I had some kids come back a few years later and blow me away with the growth they've undergone. (And thank goodness, because if we were all the same as we were at 14, Earth probably would've ceased to exist long ago. Heaven help us.) I have to remember that they're no longer the teenager I taught. When they were in my class, it was only one short snippet of their life, and I can't keep the same labels on them.
I feel like the people who know us through all of our "phases," often want to keep us in these boxes forever. The problem here is that these friends and loved ones aren't allowing us to grow or change. They're not letting us burst out of the boxes they've put us in. I'm sure you've all felt it at some point--someone bringing up something embarrassing about a phase you went through, insisting that you are or aren't a certain way, or bringing up a mistake you made.
Why bother bringing this up? Because it's happened to me--usually from close family members who find it easier to think I am still (insert negative adjective here). Maybe it makes them feel better to keep me in a small box?
But this woman doesn't stay in boxes, friends.
This woman is self-aware to a fault.
This woman lives intentionally--shaping herself into who she wants to become.
This is a woman who wrote her eulogy.
I was described in a recent comment on Facebook as being "a closet romantic clothed in the outward guise of cynical sarcasm." This was a comment from my 10th grade English teacher, who means the description affectionately. He feels that these are marks of my character, in a witty way. I believe intention matters, so I certainly wasn't upset by or hurt by his comment at all. But it did have me reflecting. Am I really that person?
I remember when I was first described as being cynical and sarcastic. While I wanted to embrace it, understanding that these qualities were part of my humor, it didn't sit right with me. And in these last few years, I've done a lot of work on deciding who I want to be, and how I want to be remembered. I'll tell you, "cynical and sarcastic," are not words I want used at my celebration of life service. So I've worked to eliminate those parts of my character.
I've been with my current company for almost 11 months. I asked two colleagues yesterday (after receiving this comment) if they'd describe me as "cynical or sarcastic." Without missing a beat, they both said "No." One even said, "Not even close. I am though!" Mind you, I really enjoy the guy who describes himself as cynical and sarcastic. His dry humor goes right to my heart. Maybe some small core in me is still that person, because I genuinely connect with and appreciate him and his way of being.
But to hear both of them so easily and quickly tell me, "No," when I asked that question was so satisfying to me--such a sweet victory of something I have worked so hard on.
This morning, my cousin sent me an Instagram post that said, "So many people from your past know a version of you that doesn't exist anymore."
I just wanted to give everyone a chance to reflect. Is there anyone from your past who you decided you don't like for reasons a, b, or c? Is it possible that that person has changed, evolved, or grown? Do you allow the people close to you to change, evolve, and grow? Or is it easier and less threatening for you to keep them small? Maybe they've hurt you, and it's hard to believe they've changed. That adds a different level of complication. But deeply consider the opportunity you give other people to redeem themselves, as you'd like to be redeemed.
Maybe you won't be good at this at first--maybe it's hard for you to forgive someone's past or allow them a future. But that's OK. You're allowed to become good at it. You're allowed to change. Just like the rest of us.
Because of the way our brains works, we like to compartmentalize, simplify, and put boxes around things. This includes people, unfortunately. Stereotypes abound because it is easier to think of people as part of a group of some kind. And stereotypes exist for a reason, of course. Culture is real! You learn this when you visit a different family, church, or country, or even a different region of one country!
While our brain function makes life easier to understand and comprehend, it also can be harmful for our relationships with others.
You probably have people who entered and exited your life within a certain period. Think of teachers you had for nine months of school and never saw again, or friends you had in clubs or in certain years of school. You'll forever be a kid, teenager, or college student to them. If you see them years later, after considerable change and life experience, you're still likely to have a perception you already formed about them, no matter how long ago it was. Those 8th graders I taught are all still squirrely disrespectful turds. Period.
But when I was teaching, I had some kids come back a few years later and blow me away with the growth they've undergone. (And thank goodness, because if we were all the same as we were at 14, Earth probably would've ceased to exist long ago. Heaven help us.) I have to remember that they're no longer the teenager I taught. When they were in my class, it was only one short snippet of their life, and I can't keep the same labels on them.
I feel like the people who know us through all of our "phases," often want to keep us in these boxes forever. The problem here is that these friends and loved ones aren't allowing us to grow or change. They're not letting us burst out of the boxes they've put us in. I'm sure you've all felt it at some point--someone bringing up something embarrassing about a phase you went through, insisting that you are or aren't a certain way, or bringing up a mistake you made.
Why bother bringing this up? Because it's happened to me--usually from close family members who find it easier to think I am still (insert negative adjective here). Maybe it makes them feel better to keep me in a small box?
But this woman doesn't stay in boxes, friends.
This woman is self-aware to a fault.
This woman lives intentionally--shaping herself into who she wants to become.
This is a woman who wrote her eulogy.
I was described in a recent comment on Facebook as being "a closet romantic clothed in the outward guise of cynical sarcasm." This was a comment from my 10th grade English teacher, who means the description affectionately. He feels that these are marks of my character, in a witty way. I believe intention matters, so I certainly wasn't upset by or hurt by his comment at all. But it did have me reflecting. Am I really that person?
I remember when I was first described as being cynical and sarcastic. While I wanted to embrace it, understanding that these qualities were part of my humor, it didn't sit right with me. And in these last few years, I've done a lot of work on deciding who I want to be, and how I want to be remembered. I'll tell you, "cynical and sarcastic," are not words I want used at my celebration of life service. So I've worked to eliminate those parts of my character.
I've been with my current company for almost 11 months. I asked two colleagues yesterday (after receiving this comment) if they'd describe me as "cynical or sarcastic." Without missing a beat, they both said "No." One even said, "Not even close. I am though!" Mind you, I really enjoy the guy who describes himself as cynical and sarcastic. His dry humor goes right to my heart. Maybe some small core in me is still that person, because I genuinely connect with and appreciate him and his way of being.
But to hear both of them so easily and quickly tell me, "No," when I asked that question was so satisfying to me--such a sweet victory of something I have worked so hard on.
This morning, my cousin sent me an Instagram post that said, "So many people from your past know a version of you that doesn't exist anymore."
I just wanted to give everyone a chance to reflect. Is there anyone from your past who you decided you don't like for reasons a, b, or c? Is it possible that that person has changed, evolved, or grown? Do you allow the people close to you to change, evolve, and grow? Or is it easier and less threatening for you to keep them small? Maybe they've hurt you, and it's hard to believe they've changed. That adds a different level of complication. But deeply consider the opportunity you give other people to redeem themselves, as you'd like to be redeemed.
Maybe you won't be good at this at first--maybe it's hard for you to forgive someone's past or allow them a future. But that's OK. You're allowed to become good at it. You're allowed to change. Just like the rest of us.
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