Self-Worth

Well, I promised that lots of blogs were on their way, but I probably can count the number of free hours I've had recently to do anything that I want to do on just one hand. In that same entry, I mentioned how I have too much to say about everything. It's weird and sad interesting how much my lack of expression affects my state of being. It's like if I don't get my thoughts down somewhere, they're just rolling around in my brain waiting to be released.

Consequently, I'm feeling terribly psychologically unbalanced as of late. And in order to fix that, I know that I can do two possible things. One is that I can write (in this case, on my blog), and the other is that I can go to a shrink. Ideally, I'd do both. But I don't have money to go to a shrink. This is a contributing factor to my psychological imbalance.

Here are some other contributing factors that I can think of:

Men
Things men have said--or I guess what they've said makes them boys, not men
Spiritually not doing my part
Having a too-long to-do list/work
Starting up a class

So for my sanity's sake, I'm writing this blog. It probably will be boring for most of you. You've been warned. Do not read on if you are not interested in the rants that are necessary for my sanity.

The first three topics have affected me in a very negative sense--taking a serious toll on my sense of self-worth. I don't say this lightly, because in all honesty, when's the last time I wrote a blog about something like this? It's been a pretty long while. And normally I'm a pretty confident young lady. So let's discuss...

I have had some dates with some great guys lately. Some have been really interested, and some not so much, and some for totally the wrong reason.

Let's examine the last situation for entertainment's sake, shall we?

First, one person I haven't heard from in the last two days claims to love me and wants to be serious with me. But he's always too busy for me. It's just as well, because I need to stop repeating my mistakes, and his selfishness just makes it easier for me to move forward. I am pretty sure the only reason he cares about me is because I care about him. It doesn't feel good.

Another guy, after two dates with me, got slightly carried away. I was able to muster up what little self-respect I have left in order to keep things at an acceptable level. There were some seriously awkward moments in there that even I am not sure I want in the public realm of the interweb. Seriously weird. Here's the part I can share. This guy told me, and I quote, "You are a very attractive girl. And you have a very tempting body."

Seriously? Who says something like that? This totally made me sick and sent me into a spiral of self-loathing for the next couple of days. Let's be honest, everyone wants to be attractive. But let's be honest again, no one wants to be told that being attractive is the cause behind someone else's disrespectful acts. In that moment, I felt like every inappropriate gesture or violation against me by a male was my fault, for looking how I do. I think that describes it pretty succinctly. I was honestly struck with the desire to inflict physical pain on myself. Don't go calling the cops or whatever. I'm fine. But that's how bad that night and next few days were.

Shortly after that, a guy who had told me he just wanted to be friends also got carried away. Again, mustering up my determination and self-respect, I asked him several times to stop what he was doing. Several times. He was rather forceful, and my physical resistance wasn't much in comparison to his strength. This situation actually traumatized me severely, to the point where I don't really want to even sit close to a man. I feel like they're all a threat somehow. And after what the other guy had told me, I felt like I had unintentionally asked for it, or like I deserved that kind of treatment, or like I have some immoral invitation written on my forehead. A scarlet letter "A," if you will.

Then a few weeks ago I met a guy on a spur of the moment. We watched a movie. He had a hairless cat. He also took off all his clothes the first time we hung out "because it was hot." Uh? It was the first time we met. And we didn't sit near each other or anything. But what the crap?  Obviously I was pretty flabbergasted by that occurrence. Anyway, a few days later I was chatting with a former student about this guy I had met with a hairless cat. It ended up that my student knew Captain Underpants. Student said that Mr. Underpants was a d--k. I said that I could see that that might be possible, which was weird because it's not as though he's super hot. Well, Captain wrote me a message on the website on which we met. I wasn't able to read the message until a couple of weeks after he sent it because I didn't have a paid membership. I finally did. It said:

"Love how I hear things through the grape vine.

Talk %$#!% more fatty.

I'm to much of an %$#!% for how unattractive I am? Are you kidding me? Get fat, and ugly, and please smell more like BO.

Don't talk %$#!% when you're a fat %$#!% and smell.

Me an %$#!%? Yes.

Me unattractive? Ha Ha Ha.. please.. i could of had you if I wanted, but no thanks chubs."

Naturally, being the internally emotional girl that I am, I let all of those nasty words sink in. Fatty, smelly, ugly, fat-ass, and chubs. I'd be lying if I said I had gotten over this message. I've been thinking about it every single day since I read it. This last weekend which I spent fighting illness was as a result of reading this message. I give myself viruses when I stress out about this kind of stuff--not lying.

Now look, the sensible version of me knows that I should disregard the opinion of an obviously insecure, douchey, wants-to-be-naked, hairless cat owner. Clearly, his opinion should not matter. But I can't help but be upset by it. I got an even nastier email than this about three years ago, and I still think about that one on a pretty frequent basis, actually. Words just affect me way too much.

So on top of thinking about his words every day for the last week... I got some texts from my brother today. He said [sic]:

"You are so not my sister... dead to me."

"Your a moron."

"Whatever you closed minded moromonized un loveable person. I can see why you have no relationship."

"Your a little rat. A snitch with no love for me whatsoever."

"Your an idiot."

"Your pathetic."

"Ok moron."

Now I'm not getting into self-injure mode over these texts. But I will say it is salt in the already huge wound. Naturally these texts are out of context. He was mad at me. However, I didn't call him any names at all.

This week I've been trying to get back into regular praying and scripture reading habits. I've been in a good mood. I've treated my students well. I've gone to the gym. I would say I'm trying really hard not to perpetuate negative energy, but wow... I think it's too much to ask lately for someone (who knows me well) to say something nice to me, about a quality that matters. It does sound pathetic, like my brother said, but some kind words would go a long way for me right now.

As for the fourth topic... I just have a long to do list. I've been slacking off big time with planning my unit and objectives out for my students. I'm hoping to get on the ball this weekend and get some serious planning done. But we're three weeks into the school year, and I've still got no game plan. It's stressing me out. I also need money. I need to write some articles for Orange Soda. I haven't done that in a while, and some extra cash really would help me out. But I'm wondering when to do that since now (topic number 5) I have started up my class.

This semester we have to do a daunting case study, another big project, regular weekly readings and write-ups, and lead a couple of discussions. I bit off several of my nails in the first night of class because of the approaching work level and stress.

So now that I've divulged some of my deepest and darkest issues at present, maybe it's a little more understandable why I feel kind of like a psycho.

I think in my heart of hearts I know there's only one place (or Person) I can turn to in a time of so much sadness, discouragement, and stress. I just feel unworthy to approach Him and ask.

Enough serious talk... I am going to eat, shower, and go to the movies with one of the few men who has been respectful to me in recent months. Maybe it'll do me some good.