Janae Says...

So as Raytch (and pretty much everyone else) is well aware, I like making lists. Every year for as long as I can remember, I've written down/typed out everything I've gotten for Christmas. It's my way of remaining grateful for a long time. Here it goes! Christmas 2008 From Tanner: A box of See's chocolate A certificate to get a massage! Yesss... The Ultimate Michael Jackson collection From Raytch: A cute "to-do list" pad (I'm going to put magnets on this for the fridge) A Listography book From Cara: A Cookie cookbook (see this blog) From Cody: A dream jar From Amber: An old fashioned parchment stationery set From Jason: A cute card A gold-plated heart necklace From Jake: A jewelry box with picture spots From Jared: A homemade and painted apple-shaped pencil holder It says #1 Teacher on it :) From Christmas: Cute black bead bracelets From Parents: A portable salad shaker bowl thing (it's cooler than it sounds) Victoria's Secret jammies and matchin...

Raytch and Cody tagged me. 8 Favorite T.V. Shows-- 1. American Idol 2. So You Think You Can Dance? 3. House 4. Dog the Bounty Hunter 5. Criss Angel Mindfreak 6. Gene Simmons Family Jewels 7. Dexter 8. Extreme Makeover Home Edition. Dang that show--makes me cry every time. 8 Favorite Restaurants-- 1. In-N-Out 2. Zupas 3. Red Robin 4. Outback Steakhouse 5. T.G.I. Friday's 6. Olive Garden 7. Carrabba's 8. Cafe Rio 8 Things to Look Forward To-- 1. Sleeping tonight 2. Going back to Provo to my apartment and my loves 3. Kissing Tanner 4. Christmas tomorrow! :) 5. Marriage 6. Delivering Christmas trays 7. Opening and unwrapping things tomorrow 8. Graduation 8 Things I LOVE about winter-- 1. Uh. 2. Hot chocolate 3. Christmas trees 4. Wood burning smell 5. Snuggling 6. Blankets 7. Baking 8. Sleeping 8 Things on my wishlist- 1. Chocolate 2. Clothes 3. I 4. don't 5. need 6. or 7. want 8. anything. Now I tag these people: 1. Cara 2. Bri 3. Aunt April 4. Tracy 5. Tanner 6. Ashlee 7. Aun...

I got into it with somebody close to me today. I made a comment regarding men who go to serve the Lord at age 19, all-the-while funding themselves and trying to share their happiness with others--devoting themselves to Someone else. In response I got, "Everything is church with you. there is almost nothing else in your life." I will take that as a compliment. I've never been the kind to consider myself to be defined by a group that I'm in. I've always just wanted to be me, doing what I want, believing what I want. But this comment has made me realize that the gospel is what I want people to see when they know me. This comment has also shown me that I've changed immensely in the last three years. If "everything is church with me," I guess I'm on the right track. I want the gospel at the center of my life, and I do want it to define me. And I am OK with that. Where I draw the line is in self-righteousness. I hope to set an example by being loving a...

For as long as I can remember, I have helped my mom with our Christmas baking every year. We usually make See's fudge, Chinese chews, chocolate chip cookies, and sugar cookies. We then use these goodies and make plates to deliver to neighbors and friends. Slowly but surely, my mom has let me take over this whole thing completely. I love baking, but this is a LOT of work all on my own. This year, we made Chinese chews. Thankfully, my brother helped. We also made fudge. I say we to involve my mom in the minuscule activities like chopping the nuts. I made sugar cookie dough as well. And I made Nestle Toll House chocolate chip cookies (minus the walnuts). I decided, though, that it was time for more. Cara got me an amazing cookie recipe book for Christmas this year. I've made a lot of use of it so far. In addition to baking all of those things, I tried a new peanut butter cookie recipe for my dad called Chewy Choco-Peanut Pudgies. I made Oatmeal Coconut Chocolate Chip cookies--whic...

I've got finals coming up next week. I should probably be studying for those. But let's face it, it's the last day of class. I can't concentrate anymore. Plus, I already took my religion final, and I have an A in that class. One down, four to go! So while I'm hanging out at work for the last couple hours of my 20-hour work week, I thought I'd write about my grandpa Gabe. For those who don't know, he's my dad's dad. Now, since my grandpa is 77, I could write an epic blog post about him. He has lived a pretty extraordinary life. I intend to have a record of it someday. I've gotten some on my digital recorder. For now though... My grandpa was born and raised in Hawaii. He watched the bombers fly over Pearl Harbor in 1941. He got in bar fights. He helped raise his siblings. He joined the Army and the Marine Reserves. He worked on the H-bombs. He had two sons with my Mimi. He invented barbecuing utensils--he invented lots of things. He worked in tool ...

All right, so I have lots of studying and other assignments I should probably be doing. It's been hard to justify writing blogs and spending time that way when I have too much else I should be doing. But I am just in such a good mood today (in spite of the fact that I look like a complete mess). I have a lot to be thankful for, and I can't wait until Sunday to tell everyone about it at the pulpit. So I figured I'd do it here. Funny that my Aunt April emailed me today that she wanted another update. I had intended to write one today. Good timing, Aunt April! Speaking of... That baby is going to be here in 6 days! Anyway, so I'd just like you all to know how grateful I am for my Father in Heaven and for how mindful I know He is of me, especially lately. I haven't been slacking too, too much. I've been doing my normal things, praying regularly, you know. But there have been some things I've left out of my prayers, and my lack of asking has resulted in some trou...

I've realized recently that I love to save money... Perhaps to a ridiculous extreme. I'm addicted to saving money and getting free stuff. This addiction isn't like, "Oh, I love to get free samples at Costco and in the mail." This addiction is real. Let me tell you how bad it is: Since I was 12 or so, I have taken online surveys for Harris Poll Interactive. I get point for taking surveys, and these points rack up and can be redeemed for loads of good stuff--ranging from books to DVDs to magazine subscriptions to kitchen supplies to iPod covers. My first prize was an Ever After VHS tape. That should tell you how long I have been doing this. I've also gotten and a sleek touch-sensitive alarm clock radio. I think I've gotten one more thing, too. I enjoy taking surveys, so I figured I might as well get rewarded for them, right? Anyway, I love looking through all of the "Folios" with prizes that I can get and saving up for good ones. Fortunately, my m...

Mornings are darker now even though it gets darker earlier. I'd think it'd get lighter earlier at night, but I guess I just don't understand our solar system. I wake up initially really anxious that it's still dark outside. I don't want to go to school. I want to keep sleeping. When I walk outside I'm reminded of how much I like cold, dark mornings. I remember being maybe ten years old. My daddy would come in on Saturday morning at 4 AM when it was dark and cold outside, to wake me up to go fishing. I'd get dressed in my ugliest clothes--for fishing was not a "cute" or "clean" activity. I'd jump in my dad's white F-150, and we'd head to AM/PM at the Chevron gas station. If my brother was with us, we'd all go in and get hot chocolate and pick something out for breakfast. I always liked going with my daddy because he would spoil us. We could get whatever we wanted, and he always seemed happy to get us everything we chose. We...

The consumer in me is excited about my most recent trip to the mall, where I used a coupon I got in the mail for a free pair of panties from Victoria's Secret. I'm sure you all want to know what kind I got. But I'll never tell. After having searched the mall for shoes several times in the past two months, I decided to try Payless this time. Journeys failed me, Zumiez failed me, Vans failed me. It just wasn't happening. But Payless to the rescue! They were on sale for $14.99 but it was buy one, get one half off. So they were $7.50. And dang cute. So I also got these: Just kidding guys. Those are probably the second ugliest shoes next the ones I saw this girl in my American Lit class wearing in Fall 2006: They were light blue suede Converse heel boots. Is that descriptive enough? I'm pretty sure I can't do their ugliness any justice. I actually got these for the gym and for work, because my gym/work shoes are killing me. They're over two years old now. They...

Five things you didn't know about Janae 1. She once recorded a video with her friend Allyn to Fall Out Boy's "Dance, Dance," wherein she and her friend danced in crazy-like manners. 2. She got caught eating boogers by her mother when she was probably 3 or 4. Yep, she was one of those . 3. She gave herself an 8:30 bedtime in sixth grade. 4. She remembers every word you say and every face you make. She's even more likely to remember those things if they were negative. 5. She used to be so obsessed with the color blue that she spent $20 on a blue wig from Claire's because her mother wouldn't let her dye her hair blue.

I believe I've made it pretty clear that my boyfriend and I are pretty opposite in nearly every way we can be. He is an ESFP and I am an ISFJ . These are really general things and neither of us fit these descriptions to a tee. Our hope in being attracted to our opposite is that we will "become a more well-rounded, functioning unit." There's more stuff about it here . I am a very structured and organized person. This is the way I thrive and enjoy my time, and I find myself happiest when I can check a lot of things off of a to-do list. Tanner is not so much this way. He will play and play and, as his personality profile says, "trust in his ability to improvise in any situation presented to him." In other words, he knows he can get it done a minute before it is due. He has helped me to learn to play, to learn that there is more time to get things done than I think. I have helped him to see the value of organization and completing reading assignments to get the...

Tanner's sister BriAnn asked me about school the other night. I realized I had been so caught up in the dramatic, emotional part of my life that I hadn't let anyone know how the more fundamental parts are faring. While I have you at the beginning of this post, I'm going to ask you to click on the right side to follow my blog. I hear about people who have read my blog who I never even would have fathomed. It really doesn't bother me, and it certainly doesn't freak me out. I wouldn't put my life on public display in my blog if it bothered me, would I? I'm glad people care so much! Or maybe you all just think I'm a fabulous writer. ;) Either way, I want to know who is following, whether I know you or not! So click it, blog stalkers!! (just teasing). Oh school... How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. School stirs up so many thoughts and feelings within me that I am not sure how best to encapsulate my thoughts. First of all, school has always been my lif...

Tanner and I spoke last night for a long time. His dad came in at some point and I explained more or less the things I talked about in my last post. He seemed very supportive of my goals and showed confidence in opposite people's ability to work things out. He said that it seemed like I had thought a lot about it and that I was being very rational. He told me I need to have a real appreciation for the opposite approach, a respect for it, and told me that Tanner cannot be changed through criticism. He said a lot of good and valuable things and made a lot of sense. So Tanner has agreed to let me try to change the things I want to change. We are officially dating again and will let things play out however they are going to play out. On one hand we're picking up where we left off, and on the other we're not rushing anything. We have to see if this really is possible and are aware of the possibility that things may not work out. The problems that were there before are not just g...

I want to take another look at the blog I wrote last Wednesday, which as you know was to get things off my chest—to alleviate some pressure and pain. The downside of sharing these things in a blog is that people take every word you say to be valid and true and lasting. I’m saying this is a disadvantage because if I change my mind, everyone can look back and say, “But Janae, you said this, you felt that, you did this, remember?” Yes, yes I remember. I remember I said that nothing, from dating to picking our bed set, felt right. I remember saying that we are too opposite to make things work. I remember saying I could not obtain peace from prayer about our marriage. I remember saying I felt like something was missing, that I felt angry and anxious. I remember saying our happy days were fewer than bad days. I remember our non-matching cores, our opposite passions and approaches to life. I remember saying that no matter how hard Tanner has tried, I have been impossible to please. I remember...

I'm feeling OK and have felt OK for approximately 4.5 hours now. I hope these feelings are accurate. Time will tell. See paragraph 21 of Wednesday's post.

I won't be angry at him anymore. I'll change. Please just let me have him back :(

I keep thinking we could be happy together and work things out... That after this we'd really be able to be happy and just enjoy our time together. I keep seeing him getting back from Powell and seeing myself rejoin as part of the family for dinner on Sunday. And then I remember all the times where I wasn't mad at him at all, and he thought something was wrong. I remember doing the dishes a couple Sundays ago, and him walking in and apologizing for not helping sooner because he was helping his dad. He was afraid I was mad at him. And I wasn't. But I was mad so often that he was in constant fear of upsetting me. And that makes me feel like the worst girl in the world.

You know, writing is everything to me. It helps me organize my thoughts. It helps me communicate much better than I could ever do verbally. It also provides balance in my life as I am able to experience catharsis through getting my thoughts and emotions out into the universe. I've been putting off writing this because I knew I'd be a wreck while doing so. I am at work, and I actually DO have work to do, but I'm entirely unfocused while doing it. And I realized that this has to happen right now. Yes, right now. I have to write it while my emotions are fresh, and while I have the energy to do so. I can't MAKE myself do it, and now feels like the right time, so now it is. A little over a week ago, last Monday, I woke up in a funk. It was after a Sunday night conversation about wedding plans. We talked about how difficult it was to pick a date that worked so that people could come. The possibility was brought up that maybe we should just get married in Utah and not my dream...

Rewind – 220 *Speak – 197 Finding Daddy – 165 Cut – 168 *The Giver – 180 Sometimes I Think I Hear My Name – 139 *Unlikely Romance of Kate Bjorkman – 183 Holes – 233 True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle – 215 To Cross a Line – 154 Then Again, Maybe I Won’t – 164 Are You In The House Alone? – 172 *Hope Was Here – 186 Lucy Peale – 167 Prom – 215 Where the Red Fern Grows – 212 The Black Pearl – 140 Lisa, Bright and Dark – 143 *What My Mother Doesn’t Know – 259 Dancing with an Alien – 134 Romeo and Juliet, Together (and Alive) – 122 Devil’s Race – 152 S.O.R. Losers – 90 The Dark Pond – 142 The Fighting Ground – 157 A Place Called Ugly – 134 On My Honor – 90 *Missing May – 89 Driver’s Ed – 184 *Story of a Girl - 192 Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone – 384 Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets – 433 Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban – 547 Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire – 734 Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix – 870 *Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince – 652 *Harry P...

bahaha. Here you thought I was going to post a blog about that sappy movie that I can watch maybe once every two years. Don't get me wrong, it's a great movie, but it's a little over-the-top in a few ways so I can't handle it very often. Actually, I wanted to write about my walk to work today. Sounds random, I know. I park in the same parking lot five days out of the week for about 45 weeks in a year. It's about a 7-8 minute walk to my work. I also go up 101 stairs. I always feel a bit stranded at my office because if I ever wanted to leave, it's a long walk to my car, and I'd have to hope there is parking when I returned, then I have another long walk back to work. It's a little annoying. Where I park! In any case, I love the spring and summer terms when "my" parking lot is super empty! I was most excited when summer term finals were over this past week. I drove to work on Monday morning thinking, "Yes, the parking lot will be SO empty!...

I cannot believe how difficult it is for me to even consider writing this blog. My heart is beating rapidly, and I feel the tears behind my eyes welling up and getting ready to fall. I'm realizing something about myself--a very bad thing. These moments of self-reflection, when you take a careful, honest look at yourself and are not happy with what you see--those are difficult moments. I figured because this issue involves a lot of people, I should probably just put it out there. Also, writing always helps me feel better. But this is scary, so bear with me. I don't know if it has to do with being the first child, or just that it deals with the personality that I have, but my whole life I have been a perfectionist. I'm very hard on myself. This also means I have to be the best at everything I do. I'm not very competitive; I don't want to confuse you. Or maybe I am competitive and am afraid to lose. I think that's what it is. This is a really horrible predicament f...