Hey, Jealousy

Well, I clicked to post a new blog, but I had nothing to write about. Then I thought of what has been plaguing me a lot as of late: jealousy.

This is a really personally exposing sort of thing for me to write about. I have never been a jealous person. I was always secure and always felt like, "If you're with me, you're with me." I've felt like I have enough to offer in a lot of regards that some physical things I might be lacking might be shrugged off. I never REALLY struggled very badly with self-esteem. My understanding of the gospel and my place in Heavenly Father's heart has made those kinds of struggles much easier for me than for others.

And yet I'm finding myself in the place of that "green-eyed monster" a lot. It really doesn't do any good to get jealous. I've always thought that, so I've never been that sort of person. What good does it do to be insecure in a relationship when someone really does love you? It just hurts them to think that you don't feel their love. What good does it do to get mad if a comment is made about some girl who is likely a thousand times more attractive than you? The comment isn't going to get taken back. That individual is not going to suddenly become unattractive. And let's face it, the person who makes these comments probably isn't going to say what you want them to say in order to fully reassure you of your status in their eyes.

I think this goes back to what happened to me when I was seventeen years old. I had had a boyfriend for a very long time, almost 3 years by the time we started having problems. I was very secure and very in love, and it ended up being that he was wanting to "explore his options" and keep me around at the same time. Hopefully you get what I'm hinting at, and I'll avoid the details. I've written enough on this topic to have healed for the most part. But it hurt more than anything I had ever known up until that point. I think this has had a horrible effect on me as far as being secure with myself in relationships and trusting people, especially when they tell me that they love me.

I'm not saying I should blame all of this new found jealousy on him. The nature of the relationship that I'm in now was also a little shaky/sketchy at the beginning. It added a lot to my insecurity and took a lot away from my confidence. I am still battling with it a lot and try not to say much about it. Internally reminding myself that I am loved and that I am appreciated and respected and adored helps to some degree, and it keeps me from making any references to the past.

Why the heck am I exposing this battle with myself to all of you? Good question. I have no idea. I just felt like maybe writing some of it out and trying to understand myself through things that I have experienced might help. Because the fact is that I need to get over this.

I am going to be married this year! Marriage is not going to make me more secure or more OK with comments about how attractive another girl is. It's not going to miraculously fix things. I need to fix this before it becomes permanently damaging to my relationship.

I need to go back to my thought process from before and remember that I am a daughter of God. And I need to try to see the things that set me apart, that make me just as good as anyone else.

No, I am not tall and thin. No, I don't have DD cups. No, I can't sing or play the guitar. No, I don't play sports. No, I'm not simple and easygoing all the time. No, I don't have a funky eclectic style of dress. And no, I haven't done humanitarian work or gone abroad for any reason.

I am short, but I am strong. I am little, but I've got a lot to offer. I can't sing, but I do love music. I am not very athletic, but I love to exercise and watch some sports. I am complicated and difficult, but I work on it--and it makes life interesting. I don't have enough money to be super fashionable, but I can match! So I've stayed in the U.S. forever, but I am committing my education and my life to service through teaching.

I think it's important that we all hand it to ourselves sometimes and be sure we're amplifying the talents that God gave us. Maybe it'll help me to stop my ridiculous jealous reactions sooner or later.

Any tips to overcome these things I've never, ever wanted in my life?

Lastly, I really enjoy Shakespeare's 130th Sonnet. I think it gives a very real picture of love for those individuals who don't end up marrying America's Next Top Model. I love it:

My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damask'd, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.

So, while we're at this, how bout we all post this in our blog and indulge one another's egos? Comment and fill it out, please?

Your name:

What You Think About Me:

Am I one of your friends?:

Am I nice to you?:

HONESTLY do you think I'm Hot, Pretty, Cute, OK, Ugly,Disgusting?:

Do you ever think about me off-line?:

What do you like best about me?:

What annoys you most about me?:

One word to describe me:

Do you notice a strange habit I have?:

What is the nicest thing I have done for you?:

When you hear my name, what do you think of?:

What is my best feature?:

What guy/girl do you picture me with?:

Would you ever go out with me?(for the opposite sex only) :


Put An 'X' For Each One That Refers To Me

Outgoing
Shy
Caring
Nice
Sweet
Mean
Weird
Crazy
Smart
Stupid
Dark
Bright
Funny
Freaky

How Well Do You Know Me?

When is my birthday?:

My middle name?:

Who do I like?:

What grade am I in?:

My age?:

Any siblings?:

What color are my eyes?:

What color is my hair?:

What school do I go to?:

One Last Question...

Do ya love me?!: