Janae Says...

"A person can be lonely even if he is loved by many people, because he is still not the 'One and Only' to anyone." - Anne Frank Well, as I've already discussed in my blog, being able to love and care for somebody is what makes me happy. So naturally, I've felt really lonely recently. It's especially worse during the winter. In times like these, I try to comfort myself by remembering the people that do love me. Though, like Anne Frank says, it's not the same, it does provide some reassurance. I found these pictures last time I was home. My parents, back in the day. Apparently they couldn't take good pictures because they didn't have immediate results to tell them that my dad's eyes were half closed. But hey, we're cute anyway! My mommy and me. Dad teaching me all he knows. "Hello?" This one is my favorite. It shows my dad in his most unrestrained state of love for me. Now that I'm 22 he can't real...

Those who know me know I love movies. I love them with an indescribable passion. If I go too long without movies, I get kind of moody and feel a little unbalanced. Today I went and saw Avatar in 3D. Alone. Because I'm used to that. It was by far one of the most amazing and spiritual film experiences of my life. The story, while predictable, was highly entertaining. The characters were sympathetic and real. The special effects, the creativity, the world (Pandora), the creatures were absolutely and breathtakingly beautiful. I teared up several times throughout that movie. While I was watching, before it was even the middle of the movie, I decided that it was amazing. I was trying to come up with the words in my mind to describe the experience. I came up with epic, brilliant, beautiful, and spiritual.  I was so floored and overwhelmed when it was over that I sat and watched most of the credits before I felt like I was going to burst out in verbal exclamation with how m...

This is where we stayed in New York.

Oh you know. I was just in upstate New York from December 19 to the 28th to celebrate Christmas with the paternal side of the family. It was fun. I'm too lazy to recap it all so I'll do pictures and captions. After some annoyances with Delta airlines, I arrived safely at the cabin. This is where we spent most of our time before noon and after 10. This is where I slept. Complete with bra. We cut down our own tree from the property. I was the designated camera girl. We decorated. Or mom and dad did, anyway. I did some baking. We did lots of eating. Lots of sitting around. We hung out with Uncle Marty and Bullet. And Mimi and PooBear We did Christmas. Self-photo shoots. Chinese food. And self-timed photo shoots.

So... I got a big Symphony bar. And a HUGE Symphony bar. And a box of Chocolate Mint Sandwiches. And an awesome sand dollar ornament. And a Cafe Rio gift card--20 freaking dollars! Seriously?! And a miniature loaf of banana nut bread. And a bag of candies and a cute card and Mango body butter (from one student). And a snowflake ornament. And a decoration that says "love many, trust few, always paddle your own canoe." Rings pretty true. And a couple of decorated candy canes. And a Tootsie roll canister full of Tootsie Rolls. And a canister of Whoppers. And (from another teacher) some hand soap from Bath & Body Works. Whoa. My kids are awesome. My roommate got me one of those liquid sticks incense things. My other roommate got me a Ghirardelli caramel chocolate bar. Rachel got me Bunness pajamas. Holly got me a cute polka dot fleece blanket! Brianne got me a gift card to In-N-Out and Red Mango! Yesss... The administration got me a $25 University Mall gift card. My mom got m...

Dear Miss Balibrea, Thank you for teaching me English. You are my best English teacher I've had. I think you are a great teacher. Hope you have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. - [Thoughtful Student]

A. I've eaten WAY too much food in the last 48 hours. B. I loved Ender's Game . C. I do not like liars. Hey everyone, want to see Janae get into a rage? Lie to her!

My last post was my 200th post. Whoa. Last Christmas my romantic life was a bit of a mess. This Christmas my romantic life is non-existent. I guess I'd rather have non-existence than sad drama. My day today was awesome. I let my kids do research in the library which saved my voice and stress. They did pretty good, a few students excepting. During my prep period, I didn't really have anything to grade or do. So I went to the faculty room where there lay an array of FOOD waiting for me. Oh the glories that were there. As always, the water warmer and hot cocoa, available--at my disposal. A slim long table containing chips and three or four different types of dip. A table in the corner with five or six crock pots containing various soups, ham, and little smokies. A long table in the middle with a variety of desserts, vegetables and dip, and chips. I loaded up a plate, got some hot chocolate, sat on the couch, and read Ender's Game. It was one of the most relaxed, fun, comfortab...

I'm becoming one of those people who says she's "fine," or "good," or "doing well," when it's not true.

This song makes me feel adventurous.

Sometimes I think that I'm not living my life to its fullest. There are things I want that I don't go after. Because I'm afraid. I am afraid of the unknown. Afraid of failure. I like a planned and structured life. It's where I'm comfortable. And my responsibility runs my life. "In the summer, I shouldn't travel or do something fun. I should plan for the next school year. I should have two jobs. I should work out every day." I wonder if I should make a New Year's resolution to be more daring. To run after the things I want. To stop caring about things I should be doing. And to stop worrying about what might happen.

I love Christmas time. I'm still having a rough time. But when I walk in my front door and see our tree and all our lights and decorations, I smile for a moment. Church was awesome today. The atonement is real. The Spirit is real. Its presence and impact on my life is real. Here is a video of my apartment.

I got up at 6:30 and got ready for work. I ran around at work trying to get my resume printed for my interview with Granite School District. I had essay conferences with students (or briefly lectured the ones without drafts) for three 80-minute periods straight. I took fifteen minutes to eat lunch--leftovers. I got my portfolio ready. I monitored the school party dance for 20 minutes or so while putting the portfolio together. I left at 2:05 PM and went to BYU. I got my letter of recommendation from my professor's office. I went to my interview, filled out a form, got interviewed, and left. I walked back to my professor's office to drop off the TWS. I walked back to my car and arrived back at work at 3:35 PM. I graded 3 periods of journals for an hour and twenty minutes, finishing at 5 PM. I graded and entered late work. I left work. I got home, updated my class website with homework assignments, etc. I got dressed for work at Blockbuster and left at 5:53 PM. I picked up food a...

Fact: As difficult as I know it will be, I'm yearning for a family and for motherhood right now. Fact: I miss all of my friends I used to celebrate Christmas with. We used to have a really fun time, and we were all really good at giving good gifts to each other. Fact: I love giving gifts. I consider it a talent of mine. But I only really enjoy it when I know people well and have put a lot of thought into something they'd enjoy. I have almost no one left outside of my family who I feel I can do that for. Fact: Someone stole my 3-hole puncher. Honestly? Why would you want to steal that? Fact: I was very mad at and mean to my students today. I feel bad. Fact: Almost no one came to Enrichment tonight. Fact: Elf is a funny movie, no matter how few people are there (and no matter how many times you see it). Fact: I'm finding joy in that it's December and there is no snow! Fact: My heart is still broken. I don't know what it will take to unbreak it. Fact: I want something...

This fabulous thing called PMS really does make me wonder what I'm genuinely stressed about. It amplifies everything, and so I don't know if I'm actually really depressed, or if I'd normally shrug these things off more easily. In any case, today has been rough. I'm still sick, and I'm tired of being sick. I read through my students' evaluations of my teaching. And most of them think I need to be nicer and be fair to everyone. They also think I am boring and don't make learning interesting. That's not to discount the portion of students who really enjoy me, my teaching, and my class. But I suppose it's a talent of mine to focus on the negative. I have a hard time connecting with people on my needed level. It's important for me to feel understood and heard and appreciated. And it's hard for me to feel that. So while I may have friends, I still spend most of my time feeling extremely alone and disconnected. I really miss home. I miss Califor...

A mustache should always be considered.

My students had a sub on Monday because I was sick. I should have stayed home on Tuesday, too. Because on Monday night I was feeling better, and I went to work on Tuesday, then got sicker. I currently have no voice--it's a squeaky tragedy right now. Thanks, sickness. I got back on Tuesday, though, and my students were suddenly very happy that I was there. They despised the sub, saying she was weird, random, arrogant, senseless, and annoying. Apparently the sub disregarded the comparison paragraph I left for my students, saying mine was "too confusing," and decided to discuss New Moon instead. She was really smart. She even told my students she was a certified English teacher. A certified English teacher who can't follow directions, wants to discuss New Moon, and who doesn't know how to write a comparison essay? My hopes are dwindling. But I did have many students tell me they were glad to have me back. They also were very concerned about my cough and wanted me to...

I'm engaged!!! Just kidding. Seriously though, what if I was? Passed cleaning checks the first time. I bought a terabyte sized external hard drive for one hundred rupees. I mean dollars. For the first time in a month, I don't have to go into work on a Saturday. My roommate bought me a pizza because she knows Fridays are crazy for me and wanted me to have dinner. How cute is she?! My apartment is clean. AND decorated. Thanks roommates. My kids loved Night. I have plans on a Saturday night, for once! My resume looks amazing! I have an interview with a school district in Salt Lake on December 4. I get to go home in four days Orem has an In-N-Out. I love my job. Almost every day, even! We have an Enrichment activity coming up that will be so fun. I love life.

First, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind . I love that. "I took a train out to Montauk today. I'm not sure why. I'm not an impulsive person..." I love that Clementine hates the word "nice" as much as I do. It's the most useless adjective I know. It's my favorite anti-romance. Second, my classroom. And how ugly my face looks in the initial clip of this video. Very cute. Duh. Third, Imogen Heap, with friends. This forsaken Mac is difficult so I decided to use Facebook pics. Please click for full effect. We're hot? uh... Opening act... Immi shoes behind the curtain. Opening act #2. Hot stuff. That's all I know. Oh, we's hot. Why she gotta be so cool? Cellist. The end.

A Saturday afternoon plus Few friends plus Broken computer plus Waiting for said computer to start up = What can I say? I'm special. I figured I'd make your neck hurt because I'm working on my Mac (work computer), and in spite of my efforts to rotate the pictures, they're not uploading with the rotations. In other news, I love Glee. I am seeing Imogen Heap tomorrow. I love my students. And I need more friends.

So as I said yesterday, I had overwhelming affirmation yesterday of my teaching abilities and of my decisions and policies. I adjusted my policy to an even nicer form than it was before, and my students were so excited. They were kissing my butt. In seventh period, which is pretty much my favorite, I said that I have lots to do, and that if anyone wanted to stay after school and help, I'd give them a candy. I had two sweet boys stay after to help me. One stayed because he had a club meeting after, which ended up getting canceled. He takes the bus home, but he was going to finish what he started quickly and then try to make it to the bus. I insisted that he just stop what he was doing and go catch that bus. He finally stopped. I told him I owe him a candy tomorrow (as he was running out the door) and he told me that he'd pass on the candy. I had another boy stay after and sort papers for me. This means he was bending over at an uncomfortable height to sort papers into st...

I've been praying desperately for assistance with the approaching onslaught of parents angered over their children's incomplete grades. (Incomplete is anything under a C-, gross, huh?) The answer came in a way I wasn't expecting. I was up front with my students today about the flack I've been getting lately regarding my policies being too harsh. Last week was a very bad week full of tears, breakdowns, venting, and significant reconsideration regarding these issues. So I revised my policies according to suggestions to help students succeed. They were all in a frenzy about this change. They hate it. They like my old policy better. They think I'm so "nice." They think I'm so "great." They think if students are doing badly it's because they're just not turning in any work. They started a petition to switch back to my old policy and to tell other critics of my policies to stop picking on me. Seriously? They were so defe...

Why, oh why do students use spiral notebook paper? Is it to make my life a pandemonium of unstackable papers?

Well, it's 12:13 and I'm going to wake up in six hours. That'll work out. I'll be tired, but six hours of sleep is better than seven to me, so I thought I might as well write this first. I graded for 10 hours yesterday. Two of those were journals and other catch-up grading and entering. The other eight were spent on the final essays I required of my students. I ran a timer, but it only let me do three minutes (no more or less), so the pacing was inconsistent. I had food near me and movies playing in the background to ease my stress. I was finally done at 9:30 PM and caught up on some homework that I had to do. Eight hours of grading, and I got three classes done. Wow. I left school at 10 PM. All of this is not to mention the TWS parts C and D, plus my lesson plans for this coming week which needed to get done.  I was very discouraged and upset because grades are due on Tuesday at 4 PM. And eight hours is a long time to finish up the rest of my papers. I was clea...

I've realized lately that I have what I deemed a "compensatory personality." It means I compensate for whoever I'm surrounded by, if I need to. I've been described by some people as shy. I've never considered myself shy. What I do notice is that I can take a front seat, or a back seat, depending on the personalities I'm near at the moment. Case in point, I was once friends with a group where two or three were very dominant and loud personalities. I was considered, "Quiet." If strong personalities dominate, I let them do it, and I don't go out of my way to be heard or known. Other case in point: I'm friends with a couple of really quiet individuals. Because they are quiet, it puts me in the front seat--making up for what they might not have or say or do. These quiet people would say that I'm very loud, passionate, funny, and opinionated. This might surprise the loud group of people who knew me. In Relief Society, I have to co...

Once in a while I say or do something, or even think something, that makes me feel really guilty. Sometimes they’re not a big deal. Other times they are. Usually it’s a big deal if it triggers something in my mind. If I have an epiphany like, “Wow I do this a lot,” or “I just did that recently, and now I’m doing it again?” that’s when it is a big deal to me. These guilt trips can last for minutes, hours, or days. The annoying thing is trying to fix the thing you did wrong to make the guilt go away. Sometimes it’s just giving an apology. But even that doesn’t completely fix the guilt, especially if the offended person is still upset with you. On other occasions, it requires a serious change of heart—a real commitment to not say or do or think that thing anymore. And since that’s more of a process, it makes the guilt kind of linger. It’s not an insta-fix sort of thing, as convenient and lovely as that might be. I don’t like these occasions. I end up crying, praying, and repen...

I spend nearly every hour concerned with my students. I spend over 6 hours with them during school, every day of the week. I stay after school helping them with assignments and letting them catch up. I spend hours grading. I spend hours and hours planning units, weeks, lesson plans, and activities. I am so anxious about how lessons will go, I even wake up dreaming I'm in the middle of teaching a class that is not going well at all. These kids are my life. I pour all of my time and energy into trying to help them learn. If I see blank faces, I call on students to pull their attention back in.  I come home from work exhausted, starving, and sore in my feet and shoulders from standing and teaching all day. What more can I do? What more can I do when I put so much time, sweat, stress, and thought into these lessons? And what can I do when I pour every bit of energy I can muster off 6 hours of sleep into teaching? What more can I do to satisfy the student who tol...

Oh man, oh man, oh man! I am so excited. Just bought two tickets for Imogen's concert on November 12th. I'll  be tired the next day for work, but oh freaking well. She'll be so worth it! On December 8th, 2006, I saw her live. It's been almost three freaking years. Way too long. This will bring back some difficult memories, but I have to go. Just have to. I can't contain myself! And this time, I'm going to bring a real camera, since obviously I was an idiot last time and used a cell phone camera. Here we go! A month away tomorrow.