Well, in my generally happier, less dramatic, more eventful, non-single days, my blog was much better. I had funny experiences and observations to write about--like the vending machine eating my money for my Barq's today and having to get a refund! I didn't get very personal, and this wasn't too much like a journal except for the important events some people care to know about.
I'm getting back to it, folks.
How, you ask?
Chyeah! A journal! A really cute one, might I add.
This guy is my new best friend. I tote him with me everywhere I go--both jobs, home, wherever. At least that's the plan, and that's been the true story for the last few days, anyway.
I recently decided that I have a LOT of thoughts. I also recently realized that to keep my thoughts to myself is a fast track to major depression.
So instead of vocalizing my thoughts to others who may not care, instead of IMing it out, instead of relying on people who may misunderstand me, I decided to write it all down. My blog unintentionally evolved into a place for me to do that, which is fine, on occasion, but not as often as I find myself needing to express my innermost feelings. I realized it had become, for most, pretty boring.
I needed to find a cute one. That's how it had to start. It couldn't be a boring black notebook, people. I didn't want a composition notebook--so little character, so academically related. I found that cute baby at Big! Lots, where else?
I never have been a good journal keeper. I have always been a good "expressor." haha. I have a LOT to say, about pretty much everything. I think it gets on the nerves of some people. Because of my inconsistency in journal writing combined with my need to express, I decided instead of making a nightly "dear diary" routine thing, I'd just always have it with me to record whatever popped into my puny brain. This way, I'd be safe by not having people make assumptions, not letting them judge me, not giving them reason to dislike me, or even just not offending anyone else.
So there it is--the answer to my problems. Writing for myself. Not writing to anyone else. Not talking to anyone else. Not expecting anyone to care. Just me. Writing for me, for my sanity, and to help me think more closely about what I say aloud.
I'll share with you parts of my first entry. It's edited in some parts for privacy reasons. If you care to read it, please do. If not, just be sure you listen to my current song: "Sea of Love." It is fabulous.
July 8/9, 2009
"Scribble, scribble, scribble," Lisa whispers into Susanna's ear in one of my favorite movies: Girl, Interrupted. Susanna keeps her notebook with her all the time, recording every thought and observation her heart desires.
Recently, (someone close) and I have stopped talking in order for that person to accomplish some things. Apparently I stand in the way--try as I might to be an influence for good in their life.
So that's what this new guy is for: a place to record every thought in my brain and event of my day which no.one.else cares about in the least. That person did, but no one else does (or I'm safer to assume that they don't). I don't want a Twitter account. And I'm making my blog boring for others (probably) by letting it be a place for me to record details which are mundane to most. So if I put every thought, random verbage, lovely quote, biting criticism, emotional experience, detailed event, and casual complaint here, in writing, in a book which is neutral to my way of living and being and expressing, then maybe I won't feel so empty at the end of a day when no one else asks about it. A journal doesn't have to ask--it exists to hear my soul's complaint--as does the Lord, who I try to converse with rather frequently as well.
I wonder how consistent I'll be about this. I've never been good at keeping a journal--ever. I've started a few. I get impatient with writing because I can type so much faster.
And yet, there's something more honest about writing by hand. You can't just backspace a thought, or re-word something to make it sound better. It just is there in ink, forever, in your own hand, the way you first thought it. Interesting, kind of.
So I'm thinking this won't be your traditional daily journal. I'm thinking it'll be where I put down everything I think throughout a day and don't say aloud--maybe to make sure I keep some friends by not letting them witness the bad sides of me, but also maybe to find a friend in myself. If I do it this way, I think I'll only need myself, and only care about what I think of myself.
Two blogs I read recently (two different girls) discussed the importance of their journals in their lives. I thought it was awesome to so heavily rely on and enjoy (and commit to) writing so much. They inspired me to find a cute notebook to start this new phase of constant, random expression that I feel bursting out of my skin all the time. Even in 2 1/2 pages, I feel like I've gotten so much out. Hopefully, this will be the therapy I've needed for a while, since something has been badgering me to start writing like this. I've honestly felt like I can't make it another day without writing everything I need to get out. I've honestly felt a physical desire to do this. So here I am. Ready and willing to put an uncensored (or maybe slightly censored for future generations) Janae down in a cute journal, on the page, out of me, rather than to others, who I will never know for sure whether they'd care.
I want this to be fun, at times only fully understood and appreciated by me, and also totally boring. I want it to show how I think and what I feel, with quotes, lyrics, movie lines, drawings, pictures, stickers, CAPS, and all. And I do want to make sure I recognize the hand of the Lord in my life so I can recognize my blessings, and so my kids can know how very important it is to me. I could record favorite scriptures and quotes for times of struggle as a consistent and reliable reference place for myself, since I seem to need to look the same ones up over and over again.
Recently, I liked Jacob 3:1: "Look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto Him with exceeding faith, and he will console you in your afflictions." And with recent events I've found myself loving this: "If every husband and every wife would constantly do whatever might be possible to ensure the comfort and happiness of his or her companion, there would be very little, if any, divorce." - Gordon B. Hinckley.
Three best things about my day:
1. Nap before work.
2. Delicious Panda Express.
3. Sunshine without overwhelming heat.
(4.) Buying this journal guy.
Off to bed, trying to remember that tomorrow is "a brand new day..."
/End of journal entry.
So I'm probably a late bloomer in discovering the importance of writing and expressing in my life, as well as the helpfulness of a journal. But here goes, and hopefully back to a better blog. Goodbye, boring.