Friday, May 13, 2011


I am a fairly satisfied person. I accept life as it is and don't usually expect things to be worse or hope for things to be better. I try to appreciate where I'm at, the blessings I have, and the people I love.

I am pretty independent. I don't mind doing things alone. I go to the theater alone. I get food alone (not to sit-down places... yet...). I do most things alone, really.

I fear that I am far too comfortable in my really selfish routine. I like doing whatever I want whenever I want to. I like not having added obstacles like children to factor in to my decisions. I like not considering too closely what I'm going to eat because I'm the only one to impress.

My life alone is what it is. I've been really satisfied with it for a long time. No one to put hope in. No one to expect things from. No one to keep me company, so loneliness is just not an issue because it's been the same for so long. And, of course, if I have none of these things, I have no one to let me down. No disappointments.

I think it's natural to hope that a relationship will add something positive to your life. It's like you've got everything you had before--everything good--but then you add someone awesome to do those things with. What could be better? Like the joy in it should double.

Except when things don't go how you hope... And when you thought things would be different, better than your life alone... But everything's the same as it was before. Then it becomes really, really upsetting. Because your life is the same solo routine, and it shouldn't be.

It makes my once satisfactory life feel really inadequate. 

It should be better than this.

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