Sunday, January 3, 2010

Ever Again? - A Bummer Post

I honestly don't know if I'll be able to love again.

To open myself and my heart in a way that it needs to be in order to sustain a healthy, reciprocating relationship.

I've been taken advantage of, walked all over, and lied to too many times by individuals whom I would have done (and probably still would do) anything for. What's more, I've had all of these things done to me multiple times by the same people.

I guess I'm the moron for ever having given so much to begin with--for not seeing what was actually there.

I don't want to trust. I don't want to love. I never get what I give in return. Never to the same degree. I only get hurt. The pattern shows that that's what will always happen. Anything in the future is only a risk to me. And we all know I'm not good at taking risks.

I'm not in a much better place at the start of this year than I was last year. I think that's what has me so discouraged. Repeat mistakes, repeat pain, repeat cycle. Reopening wounds, all the time, so that I have made almost no progress from where I was a freaking YEAR ago.

Because of my lack of progress I am losing more and more hope every day. It's really starting to get to me as I feel me getting down on myself for silly things. I'm mentally cutting myself down more and more as the days go by.

It's a new year, and I want to look at it as a new beginning and a time for more opportunities. And I'm sure there are some. I'm just a little short sighted right now, and instead of feeling excited and optimistic I'm feeling even more discouraged than I was several weeks ago.

Come on 2010. Come on, Lord. Bring me something good. I'm trying!

No comments: