Sunday, April 25, 2010

Busy and Sad

OK, so even though I've been weirded out by the fact that I was graduating, I wasn't too excited.

I feel bad because everyone around me is excited for me, sending me cards, money, gifts, taking pictures. And I'm totally grateful. Don't get me wrong! I just am finding it really difficult to be happy or excited.

There has been a total pressure for me to feel happy, relieved, excited, and all of these good things. I've felt guilty for not feeling any of these good things. 

Also, I don't deal well with the unexpected. I don't know where or if I'll have a job in the fall. I prefer the security of knowing what's coming -- that I'll be attending classes like normal, or something. But that's not the case. So I'm scared out of my mind about leaving the security blanket of BYU, where I've been for almost five years.

Add to these things the fact that my dad's mother, my Mimi, passed away about a week ago.

Then add the fact that I'm not sure about the next time I'll get to see my parents.

Then add the fact that my mom's dad, Puffy, is also sick with cancer.

Then add the fact that both of my parents smoke. I feel like I'm starting to lose people all over the place.

Then add the fact that two years ago today I got engaged.

Then add the fact that I have not been sleeping well.

Then add the fact that it was RAINING on my graduation day. I don't do well with rain.

Then add the stress of finding parking.

Then add the fact that they spelled my name wrong on my name card: Janae Nicloe Balibrea. Nicloe? For real? 

Then add the fact that when I finally tried to get myself excited for graduation, when I finally reach that climactic moment where they say my name and I walk on stage... They say the WHOLE. THING. WRONG!

Jen-I. Nick-lo-uh. Ball-ib-ree-uh.


Then add the fact that I am dumb and didn't stop to tell him how to say it and totally should have since apparently he's phonetically challenged.

I had to try so, so hard not to cry when I went to my seat. I was so upset, and everything had accumulated.

Add all of this up, y'all. Seriously. I'm a mess right now. I'm a complete and utter mess.

I am blessed. I love church. I love the gospel. I love my Savior. I love that my screening interview went so well last week. I love everyone around me, my family and friends and how much they give. My grandparents are amazing for putting on this huge barbecue and doing so much for me. My parents allowed me to graduate without debt and with money to spare! I know all of the things that are good. I AM grateful, but I'm a hot mess at the moment.

Nevertheless, here are my pictures where I faked my way through the mood-swinging days with smiles.

1 comment:

amelia said...

Very proud of you girl. The future is scary - but so awesome.