Thursday, March 31, 2011

My Love's Too Big For You, My Love

Seriously? Could I be any brattier?

Could I ask for better weather (68, clear-skied, and sunny)? Nicer furniture? A cuter apartment?


Could I ask for more security? More blessings?

No. I have a steady job. And I managed to land a guest speaker whose parents survived the Holocaust to come and talk to my students at the end of April.

And yet I can't get this frown off my face. And don't be asking me silently if it's PMS. That was last week--it's always really bad right before. I had a completely manic day, fully acknowledged that it was PMS, and moved on. Ask Rachel. She'll attest. I know when it's PMS. This is not it.

Really though, I feel like my face is sagging from this frown. I feel uglier because of it.

I mean, there are a lot of things contributing to it:

-Personal decisions--feeling like I'm totally off track 
-An angry parent email that I got yesterday
-My principal kind of backing what the parent said instead of backing me
-My 4th period being awful
-My self-image
-All the reading and homework I have to do this week and this whole semester
-The fact that I can't focus on getting any of it done, or my grading
-My tithing check was cashed more quickly than usual (before my check was deposited), so I got overdrawn in my account

I'm looking forward to General Conference this weekend to kind of put things back into perspective for me. I will listen intently.

The biggest thing contributing to it though is men, or lack thereof.

I will try to be concise and clear about the things that are bothering me most right now.

I don't understand selfishness. I don't get how people can take and take and take all that I have to give... Like, my time and my thoughtfulness, for instance. I send nice messages, emails, texts, packages, letters, things to let someone know that I am thinking about him. And I feel like I get nothing back. If I do get something in return it's only there for like a day or two--lots of attention, cute text messages, romantic words--like a lightning bolt. Then it's gone again.

When I address the issue, and I get a response like, "I just needed to get away from the world for a bit," how do I not take that personally? Am I so overwhelming and stressful that someone would need to "get away" from me? Because I thought that I was kind of awesome. And if someone really cares about me or misses me like they say, why wouldn't they show it? Why wouldn't someone say so when they miss you? Why wouldn't someone be concerned about you or ask you about your day, or how you're doing? How can someone who supposedly cares about you, say that they "needed to get away from the world" and not consider or care about what you need? I don't understand that level of "caring" at all. I guess I just care too much. But I don't even get factored in to the equation--it's all about what the other person needs; I'm not even an afterthought. Why can't I be more that way? I wish I could be more focused on my own comfort and happiness and my own needs, and not consider how it might affect someone else. That would be really convenient. But nope. No selfishness for me.

I don't like when someone does not communicate. How am I supposed to know what is going on with you if you don't tell me? How am I supposed to know how you feel about me if you don't tell me? How am I supposed to know what your reasoning is if you don't tell me? How am I supposed to know FREAKING ANYTHING if you don't tell me? All I can do is guess what's going through someone's brain. I can do my best not to take it personally when I don't get a phone call for five days. I can do my best not to get frustrated by sporadic (and selfish) text messages. Guess how well that works out for me? Well enough to write a crazy blog post like this one. I guess what's going through your brain is, "Everything except Janae." And I can do my best to accept the lack of phone calls when you are with other girls at Disneyland. And I can do my best to respond nicely to those texts that are pretty much all about you and your current physical discomfort.

So on that last note, I don't like inconsistency. Why can't someone text or call regularly? What is this 1-2 day talking extravaganza that leads into a 5-day long black abyss of communication? It's like someone needs this "Janae fix," then once they've gotten it, they do their own thing and "need to get away." Oh, OK. So we only communicate on YOUR schedule? Got it. Can I maybe get a layout of which days and hours of the night work for you? No? I guess I'll just have to take the moments I can get, however inconvenient they might be for me. Thanks, I appreciate that. Please give me some consistency and balance rather than this binging and starving pattern.

I don't like laziness. I don't know if that's the right word for it, but it really is frustrating to not have somebody put any time or effort into me. To make a comment like, "Whatever, you'd wait for me," just assuming that I will always be waiting around, is really asinine. Things like flowers are great. Good step. How about some wooing? Some sweet words? Emails? Letters? Texts? Voicemails? Phone calls? You know, all the things that I have given? And you know, when I've been VERY clear about those things that I want and need, and have divulged information on the things that make the biggest difference... And I see no effort or changes being made, what am I supposed to do? Wait around?

Not sure if anyone has noticed, but I've been burned way too many times in my life. Usually, it's after investing way too much time! So nope. I'm not waiting around. I'm putting no more effort in. I've taken responsibility for and ownership over the things I want. I have communicated them clearly. And everything's the same or worse.

It's time for me to demand what I deserve:

It's time for me to demand somebody who actually cares about me on the same level as I care about them.
It's time for me to demand somebody who can factor me in to their decisions.
It's time for me to demand somebody who can communicate what is going on in their brains enough so that I don't take their actions personally.
It's time for me to demand somebody who can and who WANTS to give back what I offer.
It's time for me to demand someone who can consistently express concern, interest, and love. 

Let's face it. If things are always going to be like this, I will not be a happy camper. I can't be in any more relationships where I feel like my love is too big for that person.

So, I'm out.


StacyB said...

Read it. No need to invest any time, effort, or hope into the unknown. Look at those that are there in front of you. The real people. Don't waste your energy. You are way too special for that. The Mother loves you...please listen.

Tanner said...

You don't deserve any less than what you've stated.

Don't ever sell yourself short, you deserve more than that.

You'll find Mr. right eventually Janae. Keep your chin up, stay close to the Lord, and everything will work out.

I know you might consider me to be one of the people who burned you; and I'll be honest, I hate the way it all ended. I wish it could have been on a better note. So maybe you couldn't care less about me commenting on this. But, for what it's worth. From an old friend: You deserve someone who will give you 110% of themselves, because I know you always gave 112%.

Don't settle for less than you deserve.

It's only harder for you to find, because you deserve someone who is up to your level, and that's a rare breed.

So, from one old friend to another. Put a smile on your face (Boys like those better anyway) and stay positive about your situation. It will all work out.