Friday, March 21, 2008

Wow, I'm Dumb

Never in my life have I had an issue with constipation. Never, that was, until I took Imodium on Saturday night to stop the incessant bathroom trips given to me by my food poisoning. I don't know what happened, but since that point, my bathroom trips have been few and minimally productive to say the least. In other words, I can't freaking poop.

I've been so hungry and at the same time have had no desire to eat because I felt it all getting stuck. I knew there was no place to put my food anymore.

I don't like taking medicine very much. I would like to do things as naturally as possible, so logically I Googled, "natural laxatives" yesterday. My resolve in this sad bathroom period? Prune juice.

That's right.

So Tanner and I went to the store after 10:30 last night. Yeah, don't know why so late, but anyway. I almost forgot why I needed to go in the first place. I remembered how hungry I was, and how I still felt like I couldn't eat. "Oh yeah! Prune juice!" I yelled to Tanner. Duh. So I got some. I decided I would drink it Friday afternoon, after school... Tanner insisted, however, that I drink it tonight. So I did. I had a glass and a half of repulsive, black-licorice-equivalent prune juice. Five minutes later, I started to feel the effect. It felt like a jacuzzi's jets went on in my stomach and started moving things around. Oh, it did not feel good. But I was so excited to go potty.

Tanner and I went home. I talked to my mom on the phone for a long time and felt some processing going on in my system--a whole lot more than I expected. I was still OK. I went to bed around 1:30 probably. As soon as I laid down, there was an insane bubble fest in my stomach. I had to get up and run to the bathroom.

You'll be most satisfied to know that this happened all night. ALL night! I got up, I laid down, got back up 5 seconds later, wanted to lay back down... around 2:40 I went into the bathroom and realized that if I tried to lay back down I'd have to get right back up again. So I sat on the toilet for a good 20-25 minutes. And it did not stop. Wow. It was the most disgusting, loud, and weirdest digestive experience I've ever had. I never realized I was capable of such things. The bathroom trips went another time, and then again around 5 AM.

Since I had been up all night in the bathroom, I decided I could sleep in until my first class (where normally I'd come in early to work) at ten. My lovey called me at 7:20. I felt bad. I was supposed to call him to wake him up for a meeting, and I thought I hit snooze so I could call him, but it never went off. He told me to go back to bed. I reset my alarm for 8:40. At least, I thought I set my alarm.

A while later I woke up and looked at my alarm clock: 9:56 AM. WHAT THE! Stupid alarm clock. I hurriedly got up and jumped in the shower. I decided not to wash my hair because it would take 20 minutes to do it. Thank heaven for shower caps. I got in, rinsed off, and got out. I got dressed and threw on some eyeliner and mascara, and did what I could with my unwashed hair. I was ready to go by 10:10. I walked quickly out the door and called Tanner. I hadn't looked at my cell phone clock when I called.

I drove to school, and heck yes! I got a relatively close parking spot considering it was after 10 AM at BYU. I pulled out my phone to try to call Tanner again to tell him how crappy it was that I woke up late. This time I looked at my phone's clock. 9:07 AM. "Are you freaking joking me? I am a tard!" I thought.

Looks like in my half-asleep and newly unconstipated state, I reset the TIME on my alarm clock, not the ALARM time. Awesome.

So here I sit at work, half an hour before class with unwashed hair and writing a blog about my all-night bathroom trips (you are so lucky I didn't go into detail!) and my ridiculous false alarm-induced panic.

For the record, drink prune juice when you've got a book you really want to read and can't seem to find the time to read. It will MAKE time.


Tanner said...

Haha, I was laughing pretty hard while you were telling me in great detail about this experience.

I'm just glad that you don't have to feel like poop now.

You'll feel so great today I bet!

Hambone's Hopes and Dreams said...

You make me laugh.

Rachel said...

Hahaha...your colon thanks you for the Roto Rooter.

Cody said...

hilarious janae. and kinda gross too. i would be SO MAD if i showed up to school an hour early and had been in a rush to do so. that blows! (i find that statement especially applicable to this blog.)