Wow, I'm Dumb

Never in my life have I had an issue with constipation. Never, that was, until I took Imodium on Saturday night to stop the incessant bathroom trips given to me by my food poisoning. I don't know what happened, but since that point, my bathroom trips have been few and minimally productive to say the least. In other words, I can't freaking poop.

I've been so hungry and at the same time have had no desire to eat because I felt it all getting stuck. I knew there was no place to put my food anymore.

I don't like taking medicine very much. I would like to do things as naturally as possible, so logically I Googled, "natural laxatives" yesterday. My resolve in this sad bathroom period? Prune juice.

That's right.

So Tanner and I went to the store after 10:30 last night. Yeah, don't know why so late, but anyway. I almost forgot why I needed to go in the first place. I remembered how hungry I was, and how I still felt like I couldn't eat. "Oh yeah! Prune juice!" I yelled to Tanner. Duh. So I got some. I decided I would drink it Friday afternoon, after school... Tanner insisted, however, that I drink it tonight. So I did. I had a glass and a half of repulsive, black-licorice-equivalent prune juice. Five minutes later, I started to feel the effect. It felt like a jacuzzi's jets went on in my stomach and started moving things around. Oh, it did not feel good. But I was so excited to go potty.

Tanner and I went home. I talked to my mom on the phone for a long time and felt some processing going on in my system--a whole lot more than I expected. I was still OK. I went to bed around 1:30 probably. As soon as I laid down, there was an insane bubble fest in my stomach. I had to get up and run to the bathroom.

You'll be most satisfied to know that this happened all night. ALL night! I got up, I laid down, got back up 5 seconds later, wanted to lay back down... around 2:40 I went into the bathroom and realized that if I tried to lay back down I'd have to get right back up again. So I sat on the toilet for a good 20-25 minutes. And it did not stop. Wow. It was the most disgusting, loud, and weirdest digestive experience I've ever had. I never realized I was capable of such things. The bathroom trips went another time, and then again around 5 AM.

Since I had been up all night in the bathroom, I decided I could sleep in until my first class (where normally I'd come in early to work) at ten. My lovey called me at 7:20. I felt bad. I was supposed to call him to wake him up for a meeting, and I thought I hit snooze so I could call him, but it never went off. He told me to go back to bed. I reset my alarm for 8:40. At least, I thought I set my alarm.

A while later I woke up and looked at my alarm clock: 9:56 AM. WHAT THE! Stupid alarm clock. I hurriedly got up and jumped in the shower. I decided not to wash my hair because it would take 20 minutes to do it. Thank heaven for shower caps. I got in, rinsed off, and got out. I got dressed and threw on some eyeliner and mascara, and did what I could with my unwashed hair. I was ready to go by 10:10. I walked quickly out the door and called Tanner. I hadn't looked at my cell phone clock when I called.

I drove to school, and heck yes! I got a relatively close parking spot considering it was after 10 AM at BYU. I pulled out my phone to try to call Tanner again to tell him how crappy it was that I woke up late. This time I looked at my phone's clock. 9:07 AM. "Are you freaking joking me? I am a tard!" I thought.

Looks like in my half-asleep and newly unconstipated state, I reset the TIME on my alarm clock, not the ALARM time. Awesome.

So here I sit at work, half an hour before class with unwashed hair and writing a blog about my all-night bathroom trips (you are so lucky I didn't go into detail!) and my ridiculous false alarm-induced panic.

For the record, drink prune juice when you've got a book you really want to read and can't seem to find the time to read. It will MAKE time.